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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I really unreasonable to want a relationship at 51 ?

34 replies

splitin3 · 05/08/2023 13:59

I have been single for a decade with 2 kids. Who were 11 & 9 when my ex DH had an affair and left . He has since remarried to the OW. All very amicable. Regular contact with kids/dad. As they have got older they organise where they stay themselves about 3 miles apart. (Rural) so close by. No set days - as and when it suits them.

I work full time . I am a recruiter for a chain organisation. This takes me away from home at least 3/4 days a week. Kids stay by themselves or go to dads as they wish.

I have had a couple of short term relationships in this time but nothing much beyond a couple of months. Last year I met DP and am head over heals. He is kind, generous and respectful.

My 22 year old DD is being a nightmare. Behaving like the worst kind of self absorbed teen. Really rude to my DP who has the patience of a saint. Screams at me that 'he's always here and I never get time with you anymore' .. which wouldn't be as awful as it sounds if it wasn't for the fact that she is away at Uni 75% of the time and has a huge social life back here - so this 'mum/daughter' thing is ENTIRELY at her say-so. For example if I am home all day by myself and suggest a shopping trip together (which she loves) but she has already made plans for later in the day - she will decline... However - if my partner comes over (bare in mind because of my work the most we get to spend together outside holidays is 2 maybe 3 nights a week..) she will yell and scream and kick off . Because of this I feel pushed out of my own home as I am embarrassed by this behaviour from an adult (an adult I have obviously made a terrible job of raising) .. and opt to stay at my DPs instead. I really don't want to do this as my 19 year old is still at home and without DD we have a happy harmonious household.

I have spoken to her about her behaviour and she just says that 'I am her mum and should put her first' .

DP proposed a month ago. Because of DDs hostility I have been in willing to tell anyone or celebrate which is crap for both of us. This all feels very wrong. I don't want to lose her but it seems Dad can remarry with out any issue - but I am just not allowed to have a relationship . (She did this to 3 other relationships I had in the last decade but I have in and stopped them. ) I will not be doing that this time.

How do I speak to her ?

OP posts:
Standingongrass · 05/08/2023 14:02

Of course you are not. Have you pointed out the sexism to your daughter?

Tell her you would love to spend time with her, diary it, but insist on your own life out of that too.

Summer2424 · 05/08/2023 14:33

Hi @splitin3 when my Mum had a partner it did cause arguments with my brother. Now he has his own family and my Mum has been single for 10 years, i wish she had someone, she has so much love to give. I think you need to speak to your DD, you're going to have to say things like, if me and DP end things i'll be on my own, i'll be lonley, i'll have no one, you will all move out and have your own lives. You're going to have to win her over with sympathy.
Hope things settle and things get better xx

Original poster
splitin3 · 05/08/2023 14:39

Thank you for your advice. Especially about trying to explain how her life will change and she will have her own family.. but screwing up my chance of happiness will leave me on my own in a few years.. I don't hold out much hope. She is very entitled and wants everything her way.

OP posts:
Dreambe · 05/08/2023 14:46

She is absolutely old enough to understand that her DM is entitled to a life of her own, and that includes having a relationship. She is behaving like a spoilt brat and needs to be told you love her but you will not tolerate poor behaviour. If you don’t butt into and interfere into her relationships, then she has no right to do it to you. Did she behave like this when your ex-DH left you for the OW?

You need to consider the ground rules for behaviour if she thinks she’s moving back home permanently after she finishes Uni.

My parents divorced when I was 6 and I had two step-parents by age 10 and I never behaved like this.

pigsDOfly · 05/08/2023 14:51

I think you need o speak to your DD, you're going to have to say things like, if me and DP end things i'll be on my own, i'll be lonley, i'll have no one,

I wouldn't say things like that to her.

There's no question of you and DP ending things because of her behaviour and she needs to realise that she doesn't have that power, no matter how badly she behaves.

She isn't a child, she needs to accept that your DP isn't going anywhere and that, whilst you are her mother and you want to spend time with her and have a good relationship with her, you are entitled to have a relationship with your DP in the same way she's entitled to have relationships.

Stop hiding the fact that you're going to get married, that's just enabling her unreasonable behaviour to continue.

AdoraBell · 05/08/2023 14:53

You put your children first when they are children.

She is an adult, tell her to stop swearing, shouting and behaving like a 5 yr old.

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/08/2023 14:53

She is being unreasonable but it is quite a primal thing and a lot of children struggle with their parents having new relationships.

I think you should take a hard line on any rude or disrespectful behaviour but also try to bear in mind it’s an irrational reaction which she may be struggling to contain.

Zanatdy · 05/08/2023 14:56

She yells and screams at 22? I’d be horrified if my 15yr old DD yelled and screamed at anything. Sit her down and tell her you’re a human being and want a life too, say what you said here about her only wanting you when she’s got nothing else. She needs to grow up

squirelnutkin11 · 05/08/2023 14:57

Congratulations op on finding happiness after so long !

Your DD is being a brat, no reflection on you at all.

I would sit her down and say
'DD l have put you and Ds first since ExDH and l split, you are now an adult with your own life which l am delighted about. ExDH has remarried which you have accepted happily, now it is my turn to have the same happiness.
I enjoy days out with you and want this to continue.
l will always love you, but it is very selfish for you to not want me to have the happiness l have found with DP, l hope that you would want me to be happy and not lonely.
l simply will not tolerate shouting, tantrums or any bad behaviour from you or you will not be able to be at home.
This is my home too and l will not tolerate this behaviour.

Summerhillsquare · 05/08/2023 14:58

"DP and I are very happy together, I know you want me to be happy. You will always be my beloved daughter. I don't feel the need to discuss it further". Repeat, ad nauseum.

olympicsrock · 05/08/2023 15:01

Actually does she just need to stay with her dad for a while in the holidays ? It must be so uncomfortable for your partner being around this kind of behaviour . You could loose another relationship if this goes on.

Darkandstormynite · 05/08/2023 15:11

Don't be bullied out of your happiness.

You need to have a long conversation with her about respecting you and your relationship. if she starts having a tantrum then suggest she spends some time at her dad's house.

don't back down or let her drive him away. She needs to learn a valuable life lesson here or you'll be setting her up for future unhappiness as well. life will not let her have her own way all the time.

RamblingRosina · 05/08/2023 15:11

This kind of behaviour is not just limited to children and young adults. I know much older adults who have kicked up a stink when one of their parents has died and surviving parent starts a new relationship. It's really selfish behaviour.
Ask your daughter will she be happy further on down the line when she has her own family and you are all alone? Will she be happy to take care of you?

BCBird · 05/08/2023 15:12

I remember when my mom started a new relationship when I was 17 not long after my dad died. I found it hard to accept. I did not shout and scream outwardly. I wouldn't have done it and it would not have been tolerated. Your daughter needs to grow up. If she doesn't like it then tell her to find sunwhere else or live with dad. Do not let her jeopardise your future happiness.

caringcarer · 05/08/2023 15:16

I'm sorry to say it OP but you have raised an entitled brat. If she kicks off at you, suggest she stays at her Dad's. If she's at uni she is old enough to know you are entitled to your own life too. Your D's who is younger understands. I'd gently tell your DD you do not have to put her first now as she is now an adult and will have her own life and you won't give up your chance of happiness for her selfishness. I'd be telling her when she is at uni you, your D's and partner all get on very well. If you get on well with exh could you ask him to speak to your DD too?

Silvers11 · 05/08/2023 15:22

squirelnutkin11 · 05/08/2023 14:57

Congratulations op on finding happiness after so long !

Your DD is being a brat, no reflection on you at all.

I would sit her down and say
'DD l have put you and Ds first since ExDH and l split, you are now an adult with your own life which l am delighted about. ExDH has remarried which you have accepted happily, now it is my turn to have the same happiness.
I enjoy days out with you and want this to continue.
l will always love you, but it is very selfish for you to not want me to have the happiness l have found with DP, l hope that you would want me to be happy and not lonely.
l simply will not tolerate shouting, tantrums or any bad behaviour from you or you will not be able to be at home.
This is my home too and l will not tolerate this behaviour.

@splitin3 This!! I would say something like this! She's 22 and no longer a child and you are well within your rights to take some happiness for yourself

CarbsAreNotMyFriend · 05/08/2023 15:25

You absolutely are NOT being unreasonable and I'm sorry your DD is behaving like this. You deserve happiness, do not keep letting her away with this behaviour. It's not about not putting her first, you simply have the right to live your life, which doesn't make you any less of a good mum to her.

I honestly think you need to be quite firm with her from now on and stop preventing your partner from coming round. It's your house and you have every right to live it in the way you wish. Don't enable her behaviour any further, you are doing her no favours.

Best of luck, and huge congrats on your engagement ❤️ x

thatsnotmylifeitstoocrazy · 05/08/2023 15:30

You need to have a frank discussion with her, if she is unwilling to stop being a bitch she will need to move out, time to grow up!

Coffeetree · 05/08/2023 15:55

22?!

Jesus, I thought you were going to say 12.

Unless there's some genuine serious reservation she has about him (like he's a creep to her or something egregious like that) then she is way out of order.

Definitely pull her up on it. She's entitled to her feelings but she needs to process them appropriately, and with someone else.

maddening · 05/08/2023 15:57

Could exh speak to her?

Standingongrass · 05/08/2023 15:58

squirelnutkin11 · 05/08/2023 14:57

Congratulations op on finding happiness after so long !

Your DD is being a brat, no reflection on you at all.

I would sit her down and say
'DD l have put you and Ds first since ExDH and l split, you are now an adult with your own life which l am delighted about. ExDH has remarried which you have accepted happily, now it is my turn to have the same happiness.
I enjoy days out with you and want this to continue.
l will always love you, but it is very selfish for you to not want me to have the happiness l have found with DP, l hope that you would want me to be happy and not lonely.
l simply will not tolerate shouting, tantrums or any bad behaviour from you or you will not be able to be at home.
This is my home too and l will not tolerate this behaviour.

I like this.

MrsMarzetti · 05/08/2023 16:02

You do not have kids, you have adult children, start treating them as such. Tell your Daughter that she is being a selfish woman and that you won't put up with her childish antics a moment longer. Point out she is happy for her father to have a relationship and ask why you shouldn't. You have been treating them both as children for far too long.

Grapewrath · 05/08/2023 16:02

I wonder what’s going on for your daughter? I am curious to know why she feels like this about you having a new DP and not making her the absolute priority.
I think op that you will hsvd to accept that DD won’t like it and will be angry. It doesn’t sound like she’s particularly reasonable and that’s unlikely to change. So, unless you are happy to be on your own forever I’d announce your engagement and accept that your DD won’t be happy but that this is entirely her issue. Sadly it may be that this is how life is for your family if DD isn’t willing to change

pikkumyy77 · 05/08/2023 16:08

I wouldn't say things like that to her.

There's no question of you and DP ending things because of her behaviour and she needs to realise that she doesn't have that power, no matter how badly she behaves.

Quoted for truth.

This is excellent advice. You really need ti be firm.
“DD my personal life is not up for discussion. You must be polite to me and DP whether you are pleased with us or not. Being civil to others is not optional. I would be very remiss as your mother if I accepted this shitty treatment from you because if you keep on like this and treat friends and others this terribly YOU will end up alone. You are 22 not 2. My love life increases my love for you. Its not a zero sum game.”

FuckNuggets · 05/08/2023 16:15

She's twenty fucking two! She needs to grow the fuck up and pronto! Stop tolerating her behaviour. Next time she kicks off tell you won't be spoken to like that in your own home and if it happens again she can find somewhere else to live.