To invite a new friend?

[Dearly89]

Hi all.
My friend Tara and I met a girl Kathy recently at a concert and we all got on well.
I have continued talking to Kathy through messaging, we have lots of similar interests, get on well and I am keen to make effort to see her and become closer friends with her.

Come Sunday, Tara and I have plans with our friend Sarah from school. We all went to secondary school together, Tara and I have stayed close friends since but we are only recently getting back in touch with Sarah. Sarah makes lots of effort to see us however multiple times the plans have been cancelled because either Tara or I have something come up. We also struggle to find a time when we are all free.

On Sunday, Tara cancelled plans last minute as she wasn't feeling well and the group considered rearranging to Friday (tonight) as it was the only time we were all free for the next few weeks. At this point, Kathy and I had already been talking about getting together Friday night, but nothing was planned officially.

I did not want to lie to Kathy and decline making plans or tell her I was going out with other people. I had already said I was free that night and didn't want her to feel I was choosing others over her, especially when I wanted to make the effort to spend time with Kathy.

I asked Tara and Sarah if they would be comfortable with me inviting Kathy for the later part of the Friday evening (drinks after dinner). As I was keen on getting to know her and didn't want to cancel. Both agreed this was okay and said it would be great to make new friends. Tara, who had met her at the concert already, even said it would be great to see her again.

Today, I double-confirmed with Tara and Sarah that is would be ok for Kathy to come and they said it was good.

When Kathy was on her way, I told both the girls and they both seemed to be disappointed and put off by it. This made me feel really awkward and like I had ruined the night when she arrived.

Both Sarah and Tara made Kathy really welcome and I felt we had a lovely night. Kathy was chatty, bubbly, interested in talking to them and was overall lovely. However, Sarah then made an excuse to leave earlier than planned and Tara decided to leave with her and get a taxi together. This was just after 9pm even though we had all planned to leave at 11.

I was quite worried as I didn't want Kathy to think they were leaving because of her, but I think they were.

Kathy and I then stayed out until I left at 11 and we had a great night just us but I can't help but feel that Tara and Sarah feel awkward I invited her. Am I in the wrong for inviting her? Should I have kept the two events separate?

They should've said no, but I wouldn't have invited a random, as it seems you haven't seen Sarah for ages.

If you hadn't made concrete plans with newbie then I would've said something's come up and rescheduled. If you had made concrete plans, I would've rescheduled the other lot OR told them "I'm already meeting with newbie. Do you two want to come or shall we rearrange?"

I presume you’re all old enough to understand the importance of clear and effective communication. Both Sarah and Tara should’ve been honest and said they weren’t entirely comfortable or Kathy coming along if that was genuinely the case, & you gave them ample opportunity to express this. If they wanted it to be just the three of you as you mentioned you hadn’t seen Sarah in a while, they should have said this! YANBU!

Have you tried talking to either Sarah or Tara? I have friends who are always happy to meet new people and expand the friend group and I have friends who would flat out say no to someone else joining an already existing friendship.

However, you shouldn’t feel obligated to people please and suit everyone, if you already had plans made you forgot about then you could’ve advised Kathy of this and offered to reschedule. I feel like you tried to accomdate everyone here i.e. dinner as three as planned, and then inviting Kathy to the later half! That can be hard on you to & put an unnecessary pressure on you to keep the flow going and make sure everyone’s included.

My former best friend became close with a girl I wasn’t overly fond of and I invited her along to my birthday meal, both girls were in their own bubble and not including anyone else (we went to a tapas restaurant and they only ordered for themselves and then asked if they could try some of our food without offering theirs) and I, along with my other two friends (there was 5 of us) ended up having a bit of a shit night. Everyone decided to leave early but my former best friend wanted to stay out and I agreed as we hadn’t spent much time together that night and as soon as we got into a bar, she was off with a man she had planned to meet the entire time. I learned the hard way about trying to people please & accommodating everyone, said best friend & I are no longer close.

Thank you both!
This is not the first time we have seen Sarah. We have got together every 4-6 weeks since October.
The original plan was to see Sarah and Tara last Sunday but when Tara cancelled, they suggested Friday. At this point I already had loose plans with Kathy so if anything Sarah and Tara got accommodated over Kathy. I agree I definitely people pleased but I wish they had told me they wouldn't be happy with it.
I have spoken to Tara who says she was fine and just wanted to get home and save money on a cab so went with Sarah. Not a big deal really but I was just wondering if I'd been out of order to invite her

You didn't do anything wrong but I agree it seems they didn't really want her there.

I just wouldn't repeat it. You probably should have said you were busy Friday

Given that you'd checked and double checked that it was OK to invite Kathy, I don't think you've done anything wrong. I guess you've probably learned not to invite her again and perhaps to be careful about double booking (I know you didn't exactly do this) so that you have to wriggle around trying to accommodate everyone.