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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to spill all the tea

18 replies

denpark · 05/08/2023 00:06

I'm going through a divorce and I'm getting to the stage where I'm fed up of trying to maintain a fairly dignified silence about the reasons why we split.

But recently I'm getting very annoyed by comments by family and friends about how we 'both messed it up' or 'you were to blame a lot too'. I've also had comments along the lines of 'are you sure you want to do this?'

My ex systematically belittled me, gaslit me and cheated on me for years. I've uncovered so much and I'm sure there's more. But he is the kind of character where everyone he meets is charmed by him and has the wool pulled over their eyes so they are blinkered to his true nature. I have had an horrendous time but none seemed to know or care.

I am at screaming point but I know that if I tell some home truths then people in his family that I care about will be hurt.

OP posts:

BlossomCloud · 05/08/2023 00:09

My ex had an awful temper which he turned on me. His family knew he had an Awful temper. His parents warned me about it the first time we met (I was too naive to realise the implications)

They still concluded he was absolute saint when we split and cut me out totally

(Noone else was involved, I just couldn't tolerate his abuse)

People are weird about what they refuse to see.

CherryMaDeara · 05/08/2023 00:09

YANBU. Tell the truth. And if people don’t believe you, then they’re not worth knowing.

It’s not your job to protect his family. Who they will choose? Him.

Merryoldgoat · 05/08/2023 00:13

I think that keeping stuff secret is unhelpful.

You don’t need to offer information all the time but a response of ‘I wasn’t prepared to put up with repeated cheating. That’s really not my fault.’

dudsville · 05/08/2023 00:15

Ah yes, but no. My ex is loved by all our colleagues. I've never said a word. Would love to tell.

Theunamedcat · 05/08/2023 00:15

It's my fault I refused to accept his cheating I hope for his sake he finds someone who will

Original poster

denpark · 05/08/2023 00:16

I'm so fed up of everyone making him out to be a saint. Surely they can see things? Some of them have even mentioned things he's done but then minimise them and make out I still messed it up.

It infuriates me. Yes, I've not been perfect but the things they mention are me being reactive to things that were being done to me for years.

OP posts:

Original poster

denpark · 05/08/2023 00:16

Theunamedcat · 05/08/2023 00:15

It's my fault I refused to accept his cheating I hope for his sake he finds someone who will

Oh I like this one

OP posts:

Original poster

denpark · 05/08/2023 00:17

BlossomCloud · 05/08/2023 00:09

My ex had an awful temper which he turned on me. His family knew he had an Awful temper. His parents warned me about it the first time we met (I was too naive to realise the implications)

They still concluded he was absolute saint when we split and cut me out totally

(Noone else was involved, I just couldn't tolerate his abuse)

People are weird about what they refuse to see.

I'm so sorry you went through that. It's disgusting what people pretend they don't notice

OP posts:

Original poster

denpark · 05/08/2023 00:18

Merryoldgoat · 05/08/2023 00:13

I think that keeping stuff secret is unhelpful.

You don’t need to offer information all the time but a response of ‘I wasn’t prepared to put up with repeated cheating. That’s really not my fault.’

Thank you x

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 05/08/2023 00:21

Tbh ive had this my ex told everyone that I refused to allow him a divorce I said he just needs to sign the paperwork I paid for and its done in recent years I've pointed out we are actually divorced his fiance (now ex) decided to give me a piece of her mind over me not signing papers I pointed out that a, I was the petitioner not him b, he tried challenging my reasons (before no fault divorce) and c, we were already divorced so she could marry him anytime she wanted....

Original poster

denpark · 05/08/2023 00:25

Theunamedcat · 05/08/2023 00:21

He sounds very similar to mine. I'm apparently stopping him as well despite I petitioned and he's the one who keeps failing to submit forms and is holding up the whole process.

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 05/08/2023 14:34

It's frustrating when they chat shit about you sometimes I wanted to lose my temper and scream at them YOU KNOW HE LIES WHY ARE YOU BELIEVING HIM YOU IDIOTS??

but I held my tongue

kept a copy of my divorce decree on my phone to show people when they would come up to me (fake sympathy) can we talk? I know you don't want to hun but you need to "let him go" it's over hun he has moved on....im like....we are divorced I had to wait five years to do this because he refused to sign the paperwork look see im the petitioner that means I applied first.....unless they were seriously thick they usually apologised and wandered off

Thelnebriati · 05/08/2023 14:50

YANBU but don't spill all the tea all at once. He's got the ear of people who should have your back, and they won't believe you. They should have asked you for your side of things, if they were going to say anything.At least you know now who is easily charmed, and who is a flying monkey.

Sigmama · 05/08/2023 14:52

I thought it was beans, msybe that's a regional thing, but yes I think you should

LifeExperience · 05/08/2023 14:52

There is a certain point where letting people believe an untruth is the same as lying. The whole truth is the only truth.

And I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Lavender14 · 05/08/2023 14:53

The truth can be a wonderful way of cutting all the dead weight out of your life. I'd be honest and I'd have nothing to do with anyone who sides with him. Family can be tricky, sometimes misguided loyalty will mean you lose people but then they were never really loyal to you in the first place. I wouldn't be sitting there and agreeing by silence that you were to blame and you messed it up when he was abusive and cheated. The only person that silence serves is him and allows him to go on assassinating your character.

Clarinet1 · 05/08/2023 14:54

I am sorry you’re going through such a bad time. Sounds to me as though you should look
elsewhere for friends!

afishcalledbreanda · 05/08/2023 15:45

Commiersations, OP. I'd kick over the tea table if I were you.

I have a reverse situation to what you're going through. A couple we'd known for many years are splitting up 'amicably'. All these years everyone's been able to see that he was controlling and that she had to do things his way or deal with emotional and sometimes physical outbursts. They bought a camper van, paid 50-50, but she was never allowed to drive it because he thought it was too big for her to handle. And they went where he decided they'd go in it. He decided he didn't want children and she decided to stay with him anyway. And on and on.

Now she's met someone new, someone who appreciates her, and she's divorcing her husband. But she — presumably because she feels guilty about meeting someone new — won't have a word said against him. So if anyone says anything about being pleased for her and she should have left him years ago she heroically defends her son-to-be ex.

People are bonkers.

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