To feel a bit meh with life

[jazzyjane565]

Feeling very flat at the moment.

Life feels like a daily slog with very little fulfilment or enjoyment. Two kids, one a tween one a toddler. The age gap makes it tricky to spend time with both together so often the family is split.

Dh is lovely but not the most dynamic man. Never really wants to go out and do things. Always an excuse why we can't do stuff - not enough money, won't suit the kids, he's unwell, the list goes on. The past week he's had a cold and has walked around with the sad face of doom on. I get he's unwell but every time he's ever remotely ill it kills the mood in the house and it's just another excuse to do nothing and be miserable.

I have single friends travelling the world. Even my friends with dc seem to be able to have fun and do stuff without the effort it takes us.

I'm in a dead end job with no prospects and can't change it due to commitments with the kids. We have no help with them whatsoever. Everyday is washing, cleaning, school, clubs, meal, bed, repeat. There's never a break.

I try to make time for things I enjoy like reading or drawing but usually when the time comes around I find I just can't be bothered. My diet is appalling and I drink too much out of boredom so I'm overweight. I keep saying I'll exercise and eat better - another thing I can't stick to. I hate the way I look.

I just don't know how to improve things.

I probably could but I'm usually so knackered after all of the daily tasks that by the time the kids are in bed and I could actually go swimming or to the gym or whatever I just can't be arsed. It's my fault I know.

I just wish I could find a bit more joy in everyday life. I get no enjoyment or fulfilment from my work. My kids are amazing but it's hard work when you never get a break. And my husband, who is my only real support network, needs a rocket up his arse. He's quite happy to sit at home and let life pass him by. I'm not like that but I'm getting that way because I'm so uninspired and fed up with life.

No advice, I feel the same.

I think sometimes it's easy to fall into a slump and then every possible way out looks and feels impossible or more difficult than it actually is.

How old is your toddler and how close are they to the 30 funded hours or school?

What does your tween do in the house to ease your to do list?
What does your DH do in the house and on the 'life admin' list to ease your workload?

I've worked full time since DD was 9 months old, I have a strong career with lots of progression and a good salary. It really is possible to have a career with kids, you don't need to be stuck in a job you don't enjoy. What kind of thing would you like to be doing? What would it take to get you there? Are there any small steps you could take to build your confidence and motivation around that?

I always find that once I start making small steps, I feel better, that then motivates me to make the next one, and so on.

Thank you for this. I just feel utterly swamped by it. Dh and older dc do help to ease the load. Dh does a lot of cooking, tends to the garden, looks after the dog. He's not lazy at all, he just never wants to do anything fun. Holidays and days out are down to me to plan and I suffer from anxiety so could really benefit from someone helping me with this stuff or at least being a bit more enthused about it.

Work wise, it's just so hard with so little help. I have to be there for school runs because nobody else can do it. I work from home and never see anyone else, rarely talk to anyone on the phone. It's just miserable.

I would start with improving your diet as it's making you overweight & lethargic. With the right fuel inside you, you'll feel more energised to tackle the other aspects of your life you wish to improve. Start by cooking meals from scratch with seasonal & local ingredients.

@jazzyjane565 I WFH too, I'm lucky that my job is completely flexible, as long as I get the work done no one cares what hours I work, so generally I will do an hours worth of email replies really early because DD is up with the lark every day. Then get her sorted for school and into breakfast club for 8am.

That gives me a bit of time first thing to go to the shops, sit and have a coffee somewhere, go for a walk or a swim and I aim to be at my desk for 9.30am.

To avoid that feeling of isolation during the workday I have a few people I have a good relationship with at work and we've set up 10 min coffee breaks throughout the week so I know that everyday I'll have 10 mins of non-work random chat with a few people I like chatting with, like you would in the office.

There are a few other things work have set up to encourage stuff like that too which helps so if the option is there it might be worth making the suggestion. Things like using Virgin Pulse where activity challenges (most steps, do a strength exercise everyday, walk around the globe) are set and you form teams and then compete against other teams across the business.

There are courses online for loads of business skills development that just help widen your skill set and validate what you are good at. Microsoft do courses for all their products, Coursera have stuff covering almost every topic.

Could you and your tween do lane swimming for exercise while your DH looks after the toddler or takes her into the kids pool?

Trampoline parks often have softplay areas for littles so you and your oldest DC could bounce for exercise and fun and DH have the toddler in the softplay.

Anything like that, that allows you to spend quality time with your oldest while also ticking off your desire to increase your exercise.

Really appreciate the advice @FatAgainItsLettuceTime - some great suggestions. This is where I need dh to be a bit more dynamic. For example he'd go swimming if pressed and watch the baby while tween and I swim but he would do it begrudgingly like he'd rather be somewhere else and that attitude really gets me down. It's not like he does anything socially either. I hate to say it but he's got really dull as he's gotten older and i feel like any spontaneity or creative plans need to come from me. It's draining especially when I'm working, managing the house and battling my anxiety too. It's hard to summon the energy to be chief entertainer and the holidays are highlighting this even more. Also dh works full time in quite a high pressure job so isn't always available.

I agree that if I fuelled by body better I would probably notice a change in my motivation and mood too. I comfort eat massively. It's like I fill the voids with food I love but it's never healthy stuff, it's processed crap and carbs. I drink in the evenings when I could be doing something else because it changes my mood and I just want to feel relaxed and happy for a while. Obviously long term it isn't helping though.

It is hard to be with someone who is draining and inflexible. Would you consider counselling with your DH? Is there something underlying his low mood, like depression?

Do you know what you like to do? For days out and stuff I make sure to choose things I actually find fun. I do love the zip line at our local park 😂. I know it's hard with a toddler in tow because they're so full on.

As stuck as you are OP, only you can change this.
The first bit is the hardest and once you see results you'll be motivated to continue.
Might put a rocket up your DH's bum too.

OP- have you spoken to her husband about how you feel? He might feel exactly the same way.

Start with one thing, do one thing consistently until it becomes habit. Then do another.

No advice here, as stuck in the rut of life myself!

3 teenagers (one has moved out now) , a husband and a job, but it's all such a slog. We've had 1 night away from our kids since we met, even on our wedding night my DD was with us.

There is a part of me that is hanging on till the kids leave to see if anything changes

Start with some things you can change- progress is very motivating.
Like someone said up thread - start with changing your diet and maybe do some exercise.
Could you get a running buggy? Jog with your toddler whilst your husband walks the dog? Do parkrun/park walk with toddler in buggy. Running isn't easy to begin with, but you get fitter and see results quite quickly.

I walk every day, 5 or 6 miles, mainly because I have an energetic dog that needs the exercise. I do try to eat healthy meals but I'm a snacker and often succumb to a bag of crisps or something sweet.

Last weekend I fancied a day off from walking the dog so DH did it, and through the day I was constantly eating crap.

By Saturday night I was in a really low mood, felt as if I'd achieved absolutely nothing, and everything was meh.
Sunday morning I was determined to have a better day and so started off with a good long walk, and then had a few hours tidying drawers and cupboards, and felt great afterwards.

I know when you're busy or feeling low or tired the very last thing you want to do is exercise but I'd only missed one day and the effect on my mood was awful.
Even twenty minutes a day is better than nothing, just a walk round the block or get one of the walking challenges up on YouTube and have your children do it with you.
It's not going to solve everything but it's a start.

You can’t change Other people op but you can change yourself . Small changes walking is the best exercise for anyone and you feel so much better , drag the kids out and walk to the park anywhere you will feel so much better even 10 minutes a day . I sometimes go for a 20 minute walk on my lunch break I burn calories and feel so much better . Anyone can fit exercises in their life it’s just wanting to . You feel better you will start to want to eat better . You feel in control with yourself you feel much better I promise.

I think the world feels a bit Bleugh at the mo.

Covid meant we couldn't do things and looked forward to. Then we could do them but couldn't afford to. Then fuel prices and gas prices went crazy and now mortgage rates and cost of living. And now a summer with no sunshine! It's felt a bit relentless and I think everyone is in a bit of a slump.

I think other people are right. Start with a little exercise and some healthy eating/cooking and hopefully that will be the start of your motivation.

I went to an exhibition recently that explained the biology behind happiness and the impact of parenting.

Parenting removes many sources of joy from life. Sources that previously gave dopamine hits.
Children can be a source of joy but this is variable and as they get older, many of the dopamine hits that young children can give (cuddles, saying I love you etc) are few and far between.
Middle aged people are least likely to be happy.

Find dopamine hits outside of your family - whether it's exercise, seeing friends, a walk etc. If your partner doesn't want to go out then he can stay home and look after the kids. You don't have to be tied to spending all of your time at home with them.

Can you explain more abut the walking challenges?

The walking challenges are on YouTube, I like Get Fit With Rick but there are lots of others.
They might be 15 minutes, 20 minutes or longer and they usually tell you in the description how many steps you will take. They’re set to music and a cross between walking and light dancing, so best to pick one where you actually like the style of music. Rick does various themes like 80s hits, disco, Rock etc
You only need a small space, and no special equipment necessary. It might take 3 or 4 goes to pick up the steps to the routine but he says if you get stuck just march on the spot.

It sounds like you’ve got caught in a vicious cycle, only you can make the changes. Reduce or stop drinking to regain control of your enjoyment and to get out of the rut you’re stuck in, think about what else you could be doing with your time instead of ‘drinking too much’. It also won’t be helping your mood.

Get out on your wfh days for a quick lunch, even if it’s to nip to the shops or for a coffee. Fresh air and a change of scenery can really help.

Whilst you say you are the only one to organise holidays and days out, does this matter too much? Your DH clearly is not going to do it and you really want to go as this is important to you, planning holidays and events does take time but this is normal. Find a holiday you like and repeat if necessary to reduce future researching.

Book tickets for days out and pre plan parking etc so that your husband can’t give a reason of why not to go, but of course do not plan events for all of your free time - it’s good to have a balance and particular if husband likes being at home.

You can make the change :)