Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going to tell him to leave. Help me stay strong.

17 replies

Bobby80 · 04/08/2023 20:25

My husband is a functioning alcoholic. Didn’t drink when I met him, not when we married 3 years later. Over the last 5 years it’s slowly slipped back. He’ll go months without drinking but then it starts….2 beers with dinner then wine then he’ll have a blow out when he disappears. He’ll then stop for months and the cycle repeats.

He has tried AA, counselling etc but always thinks he’s in control. I’ve previously worked with addicts and know all the signs, red flags etc. He went to a function at 11 this morning and I knew when I hadn’t had my usual call from him at 5/6 he won’t be back until tomorrow or Sun. Obvs not answering his phone.

I’ve suddenly realised that although he’s a truly lovely guy and I love him. His drinking makes him ab average husband and below average father (1 pre school child with him). One of the things I’m most sad about is how he can just not care about DS enough to stop drinking.

Financially I’ll manage, just. I have a professional wage. House is in my name and he pays me X amount a month towards bills etc.

Im sad but actually not distraught as I’ve had many ‘practise’ runs at this every other time he’s fallen off. It’s almost made the decision for me. Yes, I’m very close to tears thinking about it but I do think it’s the only way I can be happy.

I haven’t told anybody in RL. I’m not close to my family and I’ll feel a bit ashamed to tell this to my friends. I’m just not ready for that bit yet.

I don’t really have an AIBU. I just want a handhold and to be told it’ll be ok.

OP posts:
Magpiesalute · 04/08/2023 20:29

Sorry you’re going through such a tough time. Good luck.

LividHot · 04/08/2023 20:31

Hey. I divorced an alcoholic. No kids but still probably the hardest thing I ever did.

You can do this, and remember you can’t change him, no matter what you do.

You can only save yourself.

Dontknowwhyidoit · 04/08/2023 20:34

I was with an addict for 10 years and we had 2 children, ending the relationship was the best thing I ever did for my children and myself. You know you can do it as you have done it already. Your child does not need to grow up with him as a role model as it does affect them. My oldest boys have recently cut all contact with their father recently as they have had enough of his bull. They are in their 20's.

User37652 · 04/08/2023 20:38

I think you should speak to your friends. I understand that you think it’ll be embarrassing/demeaning but I can promise you they will not think any less of you for his behaviour and will be able to support you through this. It will also give you some accountability to do it once and for all, otherwise he might find a way to worm back in. Once you tell everyone then it becomes real and there’s no going back.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 04/08/2023 20:38

I also divorced an alcoholic so totally understand.

You say it’s your house, but unless you have a watertight legal protection set up, the face you’re married means it’s half his. Any other assets?

Original poster
Bobby80 · 04/08/2023 20:47

Marwoodsbigbreak · 04/08/2023 20:38

I also divorced an alcoholic so totally understand.

You say it’s your house, but unless you have a watertight legal protection set up, the face you’re married means it’s half his. Any other assets?

He won't make an issue out of the house. We have no joint assets.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobby80 · 04/08/2023 20:48

User37652 · 04/08/2023 20:38

I think you should speak to your friends. I understand that you think it’ll be embarrassing/demeaning but I can promise you they will not think any less of you for his behaviour and will be able to support you through this. It will also give you some accountability to do it once and for all, otherwise he might find a way to worm back in. Once you tell everyone then it becomes real and there’s no going back.

Accountability is one of the reasons I posted to here. The first step to making it real. I will eventually tell friends and I know they will be supportive and my lifeline, I just have to process it first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobby80 · 04/08/2023 20:50

LividHot · 04/08/2023 20:31

Hey. I divorced an alcoholic. No kids but still probably the hardest thing I ever did.

You can do this, and remember you can’t change him, no matter what you do.

You can only save yourself.

Thank you. The hardest thing is I genuinely think he can change and he is such a great person without drink. It's such a waste. Unfortunately it's now wasting my life.

OP posts:
pointythings · 04/08/2023 21:18

I divorced an alcoholic too, or nearly - he died 12 days before the decree nisi came through. He was also fully decent about the house, signed it over to me without a murmur. A waste of a good life because the man he became was horribly abusive towards his children and by the end, to me. That wasn't the man I married.

Life without him was like stepping into the sunlight.

DieselBlue89 · 04/08/2023 21:23

Sending you a hug and all the strength you need

ChronicallyUnhappy · 04/08/2023 21:29

Unfortunately, sometimes you just have to let go in the name of self preservation, and the preservation of your child.

It could be the wake up call he needs to finally stick to treatment, but even if it isn’t, you’re protecting you and your child’s boundaries, so it has to be done.

It hurts like hell, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this

Original poster
Bobby80 · 04/08/2023 21:42

pointythings · 04/08/2023 21:18

I divorced an alcoholic too, or nearly - he died 12 days before the decree nisi came through. He was also fully decent about the house, signed it over to me without a murmur. A waste of a good life because the man he became was horribly abusive towards his children and by the end, to me. That wasn't the man I married.

Life without him was like stepping into the sunlight.

I'm so sorry you went through this but I'm glad you found the sunlight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobby80 · 04/08/2023 21:43

ChronicallyUnhappy · 04/08/2023 21:29

Unfortunately, sometimes you just have to let go in the name of self preservation, and the preservation of your child.

It could be the wake up call he needs to finally stick to treatment, but even if it isn’t, you’re protecting you and your child’s boundaries, so it has to be done.

It hurts like hell, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this

Your middle paragraph is exactly where I am.

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/08/2023 21:53

You can be friends/co-parents without being married.

Good luck!

itsmylife7 · 04/08/2023 21:57

It's the right thing OP.
Or this will always be your life..waiting.wandering..worrying.

b0zza1 · 04/08/2023 22:38

I had a realisation - you can move away with love. Once I understood that, it helped separating from the addict father of my child.

cinzanoandcoke · 04/08/2023 22:44

Handhold OP. You're doing the right thing. No personal experience but my friend divorced an alcoholic 10 years ago and her life is transformed for the better xx

New posts on this thread. Refresh page