Toilet anxiety, is it just random or do you know why it started?

[strongerthanyesterday]

Not a toilet troll and certainly not looking for any details. Just somebody at a time of life where I'm reflecting on some past dysfunctional family issues.

I know there is a fair amount of women like me on MN who have some anxiety around using the loo, for example can't go if there are other people in the house, or not being able to go at work or whatever, variations like that.

I have had a difficult realisation that when I was a very small child I was shamed badly and treated with absolute disgust at least a couple of times for going to the loo. Numerous other times ridiculed for needing to go, as if it's something unnessecary and preventable. Adult me thinks wtf who does that to a child, or anyone, for a normal bodily function? It's upset me tbh. It's just hit me what a mean thing that is to do to a tiny child.

Anyway it really annoys me that this is something I carry shame over when really it was not my fault and I did nothing wrong.

I can't talk about this with friends or even my partner but wondered if anyone else with variations of anxiety around this had similar experiences?

My ‘D’M would loudly ridicule me in front of other people for using, in her opinion, too much toilet paper. I had severe IBS for years before I left home, and funny how it lessened the longer I was away from her. Stress can be a contributor to IBS symptoms.

I have no qualms using any toilet for what it is intended for and as long as someone leaves my toilet clean after use, I don’t care that they use it as intended either.

I'm sorry you went through that and ended up with IBS until you left home, it just shows the amount of stress you were under.

Yes I don't care who else uses the loos wherever I am, don't give them a second thought.

I used to be a bit like this (not sure of the cause but it may have been related to years of not being able to use the toilet at secondary school due to bullying) but I went to a developing country for a year when I was 19 and the toilets there were on another level (smelly, squat toilets or just holes in the ground, cockroaches everywhere, toilet doors only half height or made of wicker with holes in, frequently people watching (out of curiosity not pervyness)). When I got back my hangup had gone completely - I can now go anywhere any time and am probably too relaxed about it. Not sure this would work for everyone but it did help me!

Daughters boyfriend was over. He was fidgeting about on the sofa and couldn't sit still. I asked if he was ok and he said he was fine, but he clearly wasn't. I asked him again and he coloured up and said he really needed a poo and he was struggling to hold it in. Had to almost drag him up the stairs and force him to go to the toilet.

He's been brought up that it's rude to poo in other people's houses, and he thought I'd be mightily offended if I thought he'd pooed at my house.

Can't understand that logic at all. Would much prefer him to use the loo when needed, than sit there in obvious discomfort.

I was shamed for all sorts as a child, including my 'obsession' with going to the toilet. I would always go pee when arriving or leaving anywhere. I still pee a lot now, at least hourly while awake - it's not that I'll wet myself, it's about comfort. I used to have an issue with pooping with people within perceived earshot, but I have ibs and the sometimes diarrhoea for weeks/months that comes with that. So it's no longer an issue when you're going 20+ times a day, there is no hiding that from people you live with at least.

Now I have little ones - with the 4 year old seeming to take after me in anxiety - they both come to the toilet with me when they want (dp is not invited or welcome though), get to chill on the toilet or potty themselves with books and company whenever they feel like it, and we laugh at farts. The baby says fart fart and chuckles when she does (18 months).

We are a strong no shame household. I won't have children too afraid to sing in front of family/friends before they're 30 because of childhood shame. Or other shame related behaviors.

I have the opposite problem. I get anxious if I'm not near a loo. It makes travelling or going to unfamiliar places really difficult because I panic until I know where the nearest toilet is and the anxiety triggers a stress response which unfortunately for me is...needing the toilet urgently. I do have some low level IBS but I really do think it's down to stress and anxiety rather than physical issues. Maybe a bit of both.

It's plagued my life for years and stopped me from doing so many things. I remember an incident from my childhood when my friend was at my house and she was using the loo. I was desperate for a poo but she wouldn't come out of the bathroom and I ended up having an accident. I remember this to this day and I wonder if subconsciously it affected me more than I thought. However these issues haven't always been prevalent in my adult life. It only really started after I had my kids in my twenties. I'm now nearly 40. So yeah nearly half of my life with this hanging over me. Wow.

Anyway it's fucking shit (pardon the pun) and I've tried many things from anti anxiety medication, beta blockers and stuffing myself with Imodium to try and overcome it. In fact dh and I are taking the dc out tomorrow on a long car journey and I already know it'll be fraught with anxiety and potential service station stops.

Sorry for the very long rant but I understand toilet troubles more than most and it's kind of nice to feel like I'm not alone (usually it feels like that because clearly it's not an issue people want to discuss openly).

Yes I had issues going to the toilet, specifically poos when in public, I would hold it until I was home and hated using public loos or loos in people’s houses and this was up until I was about 30. I found out that when I was younger I was very slow with potty training and one time pooed myself and my mum admitted she lost it and beat me. I would have been about 3 years old. She said I never had an accident again after that. I don’t remember the incident but I do remember growing up always holding and ignoring the urge to poo, and if I did need to poo I would wrap a towel around my head and stick fingers in my ears so I couldn’t hear myself go. I’m much better now but at one point I did consider going for therapy. I vowed never to be annoyed or upset with my child when they were potty training and develop the anxiety I had with going to the toilet.

I still get anxious over lack of access to a bathroom.
I grew up in a very big family (10+ people) with one bathroom, frequently there were times I really needed to wee but someone else was in there, sometimes having a bath or sometgi g tgat took ages and I would have to run across the street to the supermarket to use their loo.
I moved later into a shared house with one shared bathroom and the same problem.
Especially bad if I slept in and woke up needing to wee and someone else was doing a whole morning routine in the bathroom.

It was ridiculous and it made me so nervous that as soon as I felt like I needed to go- I had to go immediatly or I would be stressing, panicking, cramping and sure I was about to wet myself.
I always have access to a bathroom in my own house as an adult and the physical reaction has all but disappeared its been lovely.
My kids are allowed to come in to the bathroom for a wee if Me or their dad are showering as I don't want them to get all stressy like I was.

I suffer toilet anxiety as part of ocd. Toilet anxiety can be many different things. Mine is fear of being away from a toilet, or too many people to share not enough toilets, in the fear I won't make it. I got it from no where about 17 years ago as as a teen. It's very debilitating. You can get CBT for it.

@jazzyjane565 I could have written almost every word of that. You're not alone. I get anxious when I don't know where the nearest loo is. It isn't even that I'm afraid of having an accident, it's that I get stressed and then feel it even more.

I don't feel comfortable going in other people's houses . When I was much younger and worked about 5 miles or so from home , I wasn't a adverse to driving back home to go to the loo !

Until very recently I was unable to do a bowel movement anywhere but home. No reason for it except embarrassment. I’d hold it all day until I got to the comfort of my own home. Weirdly though I’ve had to go in work recently as I’ve had some emergency urgency. I carry a perfume and spray around. The times I’ve walked into a toilet and walked straight back out because it smelt and I would hate for any one to think it was me. No idea why. It’s not like we don’t all do it!

DS is the same though, always has been. DH goes anywhere, it mortifies me.

I tried CBT twice for it. Didn't help. Tried other techniques too such as mindfulness and visualisation. Also pointless.

@Scattery yep I'm totally fine with urgency if I'm somewhere familiar or at home or if I know where the loo is. But as soon as it becomes not straightforward I panic. And the panic makes me need to go even more. It's crazy.

I think exposure is the only way. After lockdown I was so terrible with it because id been home in my 'safe place' for so long. Even going to the supermarket was an ordeal for me and id have to use the loo multiple times before I went anywhere at all. The more I push myself to do things, however unpleasant it is at the time, the better it is in the long run. It's still so frustrating though. Nice things like days out and holidays are ruined by this.

For me the fear of going in a public loo makes no sense, my fear is not being able to hold it in if there isn't a public loo. Also think it's possibly fear of losing control, social embarrassment etc. there's a lot to unpick.

I used to get toilet (urine) anxiety whenever a toilet was inaccessible - getting on a plane, sitting exams, long conferences, taxi or bus rides or theatre productions etc. I’d almost want to cry if I were in the middle of a row or trapped for any length of time. I leapt out of a seat in a panic when a plane was taking off once saying I needed the toilet. The air steward shouted at me in front of everyone and it was very embarrassing.

It’s never gone away but I’m much better now. I realised it was very much mind over matter. I ‘managed’ it by not drinking, using pads, making sure I was always in a seat near a door but also trying to be calm (adrenaline seemed to exacerbate it). I’ve not had a major panic for years now.

@jazzyjane565 CBT didn't "work" for me either to a great extent but now and then the odd technique helps a bit. I did occupational therapy where they would help me walk down my street. I was housebound for about 2 years fully. If I'm in the supermarket and I'm at the opposite end of the toilet I will panic and have to use the toilet and "reset". On car journeys (I can't drive) I will take a bucket with me and can only go 10 to 15 mins. I started with fear of weeing but then developed ibs and will take a whole packet of imodium to go out. I'm sure people will judge me for this but F it.. I got arrested last year and had to be taken 30mins in a car to the cells, and spent 3 days in a cell, and on the Monday morning had to spend 45 minutes in a van before court. It initially desensitised me to it for a while after that ordeal but I've slipped back slowly.

I find it hard to poop in places I don’t know.
it used to be home and my nan’s that’s it.
on holiday it would take me 4 days before I could go.

I also can’t pop a squat to pee or in the sea. (Gross I know but there’s context)
I was once on a river tubing trip in the US. Lots of booze and desperate to pee… staff said we just pee in the river along with the 8 other people I was with. I had to find a portapotty 2 hours later. I just can’t do it! It’s either really good toilet training or trauma from being held over a bush to wee as a kid in a park with no toilets.

I also get stage fright in public loos….I have to pretend there aren’t other people there.

I’m exactly the same. Started after I had my second child and has lasted over 20 years.
I have ups and downs but I’ve become quite blasé about running into random pubs or even pulling off a motorway into a wooded area.
I’ve had one or two accidents which were horrific but I have accepted that this is me.

I’ve tried all sorts, I am significantly better when I stick to the fodmap diet but it’s horribly restrictive and I can’t manage it for any length of time.

I love holidays but struggle with any trips as I’m always worrying about facilities.

my problem is the need to go comes on very quickly and I’m unable to hold it in for any length of time.

So yea, I can, and will ‘go’ anywhere!

I always need to know where the nearest toilet is, to pee rather than poo. I have friends with ibs though and for some it’s much more of an issue

I was like that for decades. Ssri’s helped - I am pretty much entirely better now . Could be I just grow out of it. Anyway I feel like a different person now

It sounds like you have suffered with this a long time OP. What treatments have you tried so far? CBT, hypnotherapy- anything? If not, speak to your GP if you feel comfortable or find someone private. You certainly won't be the first person to have similar issues.