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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Engagement present

28 replies

redcans · 04/08/2023 18:23

DB recently got engaged whilst away on holiday. FaceTimed them immediately after to say congratulations and how happy we were for them. They got back late from holiday that weekend, I didn't see them until the following Tuesday as had a lot going on and couldn't see them sooner. We have a young DC and me and DP both work FT so this was the earliest we could see them.

We only got them a card as we can't afford anything else at the moment. They know we don't earn much and saving to take DS away on his first holiday.

Anyway, DB tells my mum that he's not happy with us. That I don't care about his engagement. I then confront him and say I didn't realise there was a problem, he then goes on to say I'm selfish, horrible, I don't give a shit or care about anybody.

AIBU really? Because im struggling to see his side of things

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2023 18:26

He’s pathetic. Hopefully he’s annoyed enough not to invite you to his wedding because he sounds like a groomzilla in the making.

Assume it’s not the first time he’s had a tantrum like this?

electriclight · 04/08/2023 18:27

On the face of it, a FaceTime conversation and a card sounds fine.

But is there any more context?

Does he buy gifts for your dc, make a fuss on their birthdays, and feel that it is very one sided?

Any truth to his claim that you are selfish and horrible, because that claim seems to go deeper than his engagement?

Merryoldgoat · 04/08/2023 18:29

YANBU at all.

What a big child - expecting presents generally is ridiculous. Kicking off about it is exceptionally immature.

husbandcallsmepickle · 04/08/2023 18:30

Definitely YANBU. I didn't receive (or expect) anything for my engagement

Peony654 · 04/08/2023 18:32

YANBU. I wouldn’t think to get someone an engagement present

Original poster

redcans · 04/08/2023 18:33

Yes he does buy gifts for my DS at Christmas/birthdays. But we also buy them presents too so it's not like we don't return. Just at this particular time we don't have a lot of spare cash to be splashing on an engagement gift.

I thought a card would be enough..

OP posts:

Original poster

redcans · 04/08/2023 18:35

I want to go NC with him to be honest after today.

OP posts:

Mum198000 · 04/08/2023 18:35

Surely engagement presents are for parties only? What a twat!

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 04/08/2023 18:45

Engagement presents aren't a thing are they?!

I think you cared enough. Its only getting engaged, it's not an achievement or something hard to do. He got an excited phone call and a card (I wouldn't have even bothered with the card) so what more fuss does he want?

Theblacksheepandme · 04/08/2023 18:48

I only remember getting cards and it didn't bother me.

Lkahsvtv · 04/08/2023 18:51

I send cards but I didn’t think presents were a thing. After I got engaged we then had champagne when we saw my mum and sister which was nice as a little celebration, can’t say who bought it though so might have been a mutual decision

Original poster

redcans · 04/08/2023 18:55

I'm honestly so annoyed I can't see past it and be reasonable

OP posts:

ImthatBoleyngirl · 04/08/2023 18:55

Another one here that didn't realise engagement presents were a thing. I've never given or received one.

GalileoHumpkins · 04/08/2023 18:55

I thought a card would be enough

It's more than enough, I've never bought an engagement card in my life nor did I receive any when I got engaged. He sounds like a right arsehole tbh and I'd tell him that.

caringcarer · 04/08/2023 18:59

Did he buy you an engagement and wedding gift? If he did then it seems unfair you don't reciprocate. If he didn't buy you an engagement and wedding gift then you can point that out to him. Does he buy you, your DH and your DC and you just buy him and his gf? If so do the amounts spent roughly balance out per family so if he spends £20 on you, your DH and 2 DC each so £80 do you spend £80 between him and his gf?

Olika · 04/08/2023 19:02

Never bought an engagement gift for anybody.

Original poster

redcans · 04/08/2023 19:03

I'm not engaged/married so it's not that it hasn't been reciprocated. for Christmas they will buy DS a small present and us a gift card and vice versa.

OP posts:

Kedece2410 · 04/08/2023 19:04

I know of 2 people who got engaged recently.

Couple no 1. In their 20s, average income, both lived with parents until they bought a flat just after they got engaged. I bought them a present as they're literally starting from scratch

Couple no 2. In their 40s. 2nd time for both. Both high earners & have a fab lifestyle to match. They got a card

Couple no 1 are the only people I've bought an engagement present for in years & it was one of only a few they got. It doesn't seem to be a thing now

caringcarer · 04/08/2023 19:05

I've been married for a long time but I got engagement gifts from both my family and in-laws too. We had a big engagement party my Dad paid for and lots of guests bought us little gifts. My sister's had the same too. When my DD got engaged we took them and fiancée's parents out to a nice restaurant for dinner and gave DD and fiance a cheque for £3k as they said they didn't want a party. I think some people do like to celebrate engagements more than others. He was probably excited and didn't think you really cared much.

Createausername1970 · 04/08/2023 19:05

I got married, but never got engaged beforehand. Never saw the point. We knew the plan, didn't need to shout about it or expect anyone to make a fuss.

I think he is excited and expecting more than the circumstances really warrant.

Original poster

redcans · 04/08/2023 19:08

But I was excited for him and he could clearly see that. I just don't know what else I could have really done? He gets offended when people don't make an absolute huge deal for days whenever something happens in their lives. And I just don't really understand why, because people have their own lives to live too. In their situation I wouldn't be bothered, I'd be happy enough that we'd been given a card and spent time with each other.

Now he's ruined our relationship to be honest and I don't see a way back. I may be being dramatic but I think it's disgusting the way he has spoken to me today. He rarely bothers with us anyway. it's always us inviting them here, I've made dinner for them many times etc yet they never invite us or include us in much. He never even bothered to have celebrations with his side of family and only had them with her in laws. So I don't think I am being unreasonable whatsoever in wanting to go no contact with him

OP posts:

DappledThings · 04/08/2023 19:11

He's being a dick. I've never bought anyone an engagement card, let alone a present.

BettyRoodBoy · 04/08/2023 19:13

Olika · 04/08/2023 19:02

Never bought an engagement gift for anybody.

Yeah, not sure I've actually heard of this! Aren't presents for when you get married?
Surely congratulations are enough - whether in person or by card.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 04/08/2023 19:15

I didn’t know engagement presents were a thing. I didn’t receive any and haven’t ever given any. A card and FaceTime seem fine.

Olika · 04/08/2023 19:30

I had to Google this and it even says online one doesn't need to give an engagement gift. I would just ignore your brother's drama and let him contact you when he wants to behave reasonable.

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