Dad expects too much from me

[Teekloshi]

I’m the oldest daughter in an immigrant Asian family. Ever since I could remember, I’ve helped my parents with anything they needed. Done adult tasks as a child. I went away for college and came back home recently. Since coming back, I’ve done every chore necessary, run every single one of my dad’s errands while he’s at work including taking his car to the mechanic multiple times and do all errands necessary for my younger siblings. My dad pays for my car insurance and phone bill. I buy my own groceries. I give them $500 a month from my $3k/mo salary and pay for my brother’s clothes, take them out to eat, pay for other miscellaneous expenses, while trying to pay off my own student debt. I know $500 might not be a lot and you’re wondering why I don’t move out. I’m not allowed to move out until I’m married. My parents are traditional and in traditional south Asian families, daughters are not allowed to move out until they’re married. I recently got my dad’s car fixed and told them that I’m trying to prepare for grad school, I’m working full time from home, I can’t keep running all their errands and doing so much that it exhausts me and I have no time for myself. He started bickering and said he used to do much more for his parents, essentially undermining everything I’ve ever done for them. He says don’t do things for us and then rub it in our faces. But that’s not what I was trying to do. I was standing up for myself and reminding him that I do do things for them. I leave work to run their errands and he says you leave work to run your own errands too why can’t you do it for us? He has also taken a lot of my money from when I worked as a teen. I’m just so exhausted and always anxious when he’s around. He doesn’t appreciate anything I do. Traditionally, daughters do not provide for their parents. In our culture parents provide for us until we’re married. It isn’t the case for me and that’s okay I just wish they appreciated all I do. He says why can’t I pay them more per month? But I really can’t, Im saving and paying off my own debt. AIBU?

I’m just here for the handhold. The cultural differences and expectations are clearly having a huge impact. I’m not sure what to say. Is your dad in good health? Are there specific reasons he can’t do things himself? Do your other siblings assist?

Just move out. You can move out. It is your decision and choice.

He’s in good health. He works hard and works a laborious job. We’ve always been working class so I’m grateful for everything they’ve done for us. He has two days off in the weekend but because I work from home, any appointments for my mom or siblings or anything that comes up like the car, I’m expected to leave my work and go do. And I’ve done it happily because if I don’t do it no one else really can for them. And I want to help them out because they’ve struggled ever since moving here. But my sadness is the fact that he sees everything I do as my duty, and does not appreciate anything.

There's a definite cultural aspect here which a lot of us won't understand - is there somebody within your own community/friendship group who would be better able to advise? . Straight off the bat though I'd have to say that your parent's are not going to change so if there is to be a change it would have to come from you - would you be willing to move out and live with the consequences of that i.e parent's upset etc? You say you are working full time from home.... is there such a thing near you as a workhub/shared office space where you could actually leave the house each day. I find when working from home - everybody treats you as though you are doing nothing and have time to do errands etc if you leave the house each day to go to work they might be less reliant on you.

I might be wrong but culture wise it might not be that easy?

I can't advise as there are so many cultural complexities. If your culture was not involved I would say you are earning good money so move out and live your life. But it is not that easy for you as I guess there are too many consequences to that approach.

Sorry, it sounds shit.