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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel miserable and angry at how life turns out sometimes?

22 replies

LittleMy34 · 27/02/2008 14:27

So until a month ago, life was looking pretty good - I was 20 weeks pregnant with DC2, was on a fixed term contract at work which ends on March 31st, but that was ok because the baby was due in June and we had enough money saved up to take us through the couple of months before SMP kicked in.

Then (some of you will know this from my other threads) the baby was diagnosed with a severe heart defect and we had to take the decision to terminate the pregnancy. Which I still feel really sad and upset about, which isn't that surprising given it was only two and half weeks ago.

But now I just feel really angry that we're back to square one - no baby, no job (work decided not to renew the contract, not a reflection on me but they didn't get some funding on which my job depended) and having to spend savings on living until I get a new job. And then having to wait a decent interval before trying for another baby as you can't get pregnant 30 seconds after starting a job really, can you? And I really want another baby, and I'm not getting any younger.

And then I feel really angry with myself for being angry about such mundane things when something so much more important just happened to us, iyswim. And for wanting another baby when we only just lost one.

Suspect I may have reached the anger stage of grief, but it doesn't make it any easier. And I know that in relative terms, it's not so bad - we're not badly off, at least we have savings to rely on, and we're not on the breadline. And at least we can have children, I know lots of people can't, and have a gorgeous DS1. But I'm still angry and sad.

Feel better having got that off my chest though.

OP posts:

pagwatch · 27/02/2008 14:32

Of course you are entitled to feel angry and sad. Life can be terribly unfair.

Just stop being angry with yourself about hgow you feel. let yourself grieve. Want what you want. Find what you need to do to feel better as and when you are ready.
I took several years - time wasted - because I didn't let myself grieve for the life I thought I was going to have.

Take your time.

marge2 · 27/02/2008 14:42

Poor you!! lots of hugs coming your way!

marge2 · 27/02/2008 14:42

Poor you!! lots of hugs coming your way!

bubblagirl · 27/02/2008 14:56

life is real hard sometimes i'm sorry you have been through so much

its only natural you would feel this way but remember the choice you made even though was hard and will hurt for a while was the right choice so dont feel guilty

i hope things strat looking up for you soon take as much support and help as you can and when you feel better life will seem to just sort itself out

but for now dont anger yourself about situations you have no control over concentrate on yourself and take all the time you need to get over your loss

WinkyWinkola · 27/02/2008 14:57

YANBU. YANBU. YANBU. Can I be any clearer than that? Life is often shockingly disappointing and upsetting.

You mustn't underestimate how much you've got on your plate.

Please take your time to deal with your grief.

Shaniece · 27/02/2008 15:03

Sorry to hear of your loss . Book yourself a day at a spa, have a massage or a makeover - anything just to make you feel even a tiny bit better. Take care xx.

margoandjerry · 27/02/2008 15:17

Oh you poor thing. the only thing you are being unreasonable about is being hard on yourself.

Of course you feel like this. It is awful. When it happened to me (something very similar) I kept dreaming I was going up a path that was blocked off at the end. Life seemed to go round in circles. I was angry and frustrated and unhappy.

Please give yourself a break. Life has done a horrible thing to you - but you still have a future and you will get your heart's desire one day.

MrsTittleMouse · 27/02/2008 15:18

You are right to be angry and miserable. You've just been through a dreadful experience. Please let yourself grieve.

Original poster

LittleMy34 · 27/02/2008 15:25

Thank you all for your kind words - deep down I know all these things, it's just very frustrating and I feel like going outside and SHOUTING at someone about how rubbish it all is, but it's noone's fault so who do I shout at?

And we took a nice holiday for a week and I've had some reflexology and lots of lovely things, which has helped, but now I feel I ought to stop spending on treats because of the job situation, and yet all I want to do is go out and buy nice things and eat nice things and drink nice things to make myself feel better.

aaaaaarrrrrggggggggghhhhhhh!

know what you mean about the dreams margoandjerry - I keep having dreams where I'm trying to do ordinary things like dropping DS1 at nursery but then I realise I haven't brought his bag and he's not wearing any clothes and I can't go home and get them so I have to stay with him and can't get to work etc etc etc....

OP posts:

MillyH · 27/02/2008 15:29

Hi LittleMy saw your original thread. You have every right to feel angry and miserable. The world is a sh*t place sometimes and it has really dealt you some crap in the last few months. You had the most precious thing taken away from you in a sudden and shocking way, of course you are angry and sad.

I lost my little boy at 20 weeks due to abnormalities and every day I want to scream from the roof top IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!! It isn't, and there is no good reason why decent reasonable good people like us should lose children in this way. I think you are right about the anger stage of grief thing. Mumsnet ((((hug))))from someone who knows where you are.

StealthPolarBear · 27/02/2008 15:32

yanbu in the slightest, i am so sorry about what you've been through

HonoriaGlossop · 27/02/2008 16:35

YANBU and I think you are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do.

Also I know the money situation is an issue but I think your wish to 'buy nice things and eat nice things and drink nice things' is just what you should be doing! I think that material things, while they are not going to make things better, do definitely play a part in helping. It's nice to treat yourself; and there's nothing wrong with that when you've been through such a trauma. It's important to treat yourself and be kind to yourself.

Best wishes

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 27/02/2008 16:43

YANBU, you've been through a terrible experience with some crappy practical stuff thrown in as well.

Try and give yourself a break, easier said than done I know.

RedJools · 27/02/2008 16:47

YANBU! I actually think you sound like a very strong person, trying to see positive things at a very negative time. But strong people sometimes don't know when to give themselves a break. Have a rant, have a cry- life is shit sometimes. I hope there are lots of good times waiting ahead of you.

bambam30 · 27/02/2008 16:51

y are really nbu i send big hugs and lots and lots of hugs and good wishese cos i know that life is really crap sometimes and ialso want to send you some good baby sticking dust ** good luck and stop feeling unreasonable!!!!1

NorthernLurker · 27/02/2008 16:59

Hi LittleMy

I'm not surprised you are angry and sad. The most awful thing has happened to you, you have had a massive amount to shoulder in a short period of time - and I read your other thread, you did that so well, mustering such strength and love, I was and am in awe of you.

I think it's very natural to want another baby - and that in no way reflects on your feelings for your son. We are what we are and you want to hold a baby of your own again. I don't think you should feel anything other than hopeful about that ambition.

Regarding the anger - I would hit the hills if I were you. Long, long walk. Bit of mud, bit of a scramble up to a great view - and when you get there shout into the wind what is on your heart.

As before - I will be praying for you and dp Take care

globetrotterinvietnam · 27/02/2008 17:12

yanbu, don't be hard on yourself.

eberyone goes through a diffiult time at some point or other. Just know that it will get better as time goes on.

Original poster

LittleMy34 · 27/02/2008 17:17

Thanks everyone, I'm not sure what I'd do without MN!

And NorthernLurker particularly, lovely to hear from you again - thanks for all your support on this thread and the other one. Will try the long muddy (free) walk therapy at the weekend.

Have decided to be kind to myself this evening and go for a glass of wine with best friend, followed by bus home instead of slog up hill on the bike - I'll leave the bike at work. Feeling tired - all this anger and emotion is quite exhausting.

OP posts:

NorthernLurker · 27/02/2008 17:30

wine, friend and bus sounds very good! I would add some chips in as well......

roboass · 27/02/2008 17:58

i wish i was a sahm you are so lucky,
if i was a sahm id love every minute

roboass · 27/02/2008 17:59

opps v sorry wrong thread

Original poster

LittleMy34 · 27/02/2008 22:06

Yes, got a bit drunk and had a big rant and am now going to bed shortly.

LMx

OP posts:

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