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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This isn’t going to work, is it?

18 replies

ECJW7839 · 04/08/2023 10:20

I’ve been dating someone for a while now, since last year.

It all started off really well, it’s sort of long distance - around 2 hours (ish) and she tends to travel to me because I have children, pets, my own home whereas she doesn’t so it’s easier and plus there’s nowhere to stay with her unless we book a hotel as she lives in a shared house.

Until the last 8 weeks - when she hasn’t seen me - not even once. It’s always one excuse after another. We talk a lot and video call, and she’s still acting the same with me in terms of attention and affection etc but she’s just not making seeing me a priority at all right now.

I’ve been putting up with it because of how I feel towards her - I love her and she’s the first person I’ve felt this way about in years, like I genuinely didn’t think I would feel like this again about someone - but I’m sick of spending every weekend by myself (well obviously I have the kids and pets but that’s different). I’ve spoken to her about it and she knows it upsets me, yet nothing changes.

This isn’t going to work is it?

OP posts:
CFornot · 04/08/2023 10:24

Are the children with 100% of the time? If not then I think she was taking a step back and seeing if you would step up and do some of the travelling.

Original poster
ECJW7839 · 04/08/2023 10:24

@CFornot I have the children all the time, as they don’t see their father and I don’t have much family

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 04/08/2023 10:26

Are you different ages? Different life stages? Is she busy with work?

DrManhattan · 04/08/2023 10:26

Probably not as it sounds like too much admin..that's a long way to always have to travel when it's not shared

cruffinsmuffin · 04/08/2023 10:27

Ooo tough one, hard for her to have to travel 2 hours each way every weekend when you aren't able to travel.

Sounds a bit like you're at different life stages? You with a house, pets, children and her in a shared house. Perhaps leaving a shared house and travelling 4 hours to spend a weekend in another shared house has probably been a bit hard?

Is she perhaps waiting to see if you're going to make a move to come see her for a weekend?

Dotcheck · 04/08/2023 10:27

Perhaps she’s recognised that for the relationship to work, she has to completely change her life. Maybe she doesn’t want that.

Also- travelling 2 hours continuously is exhausting and would take over every weekend. How does she get to socialise with her friends/ family/ do chores if she is always travelling to you?

It also seems that you don’t view her life as being as important as yours. Why does she have to prioritise you, when clearly you can’t prioritise her? Yes, you have kids/ pets, but perhaps you can try and compromise and travel to her?

Original poster
ECJW7839 · 04/08/2023 10:28

At the same life stages and the same age, she actually prefers travelling as she doesn’t like staying in the house she currently rents because of the other people there but she can’t move out at the moment - the thing is she has travelled for other things in that time, just doesn’t want to spend time with me by the looks of it

OP posts:
situationalwashing · 04/08/2023 10:32

I would say to me it sounds like it's run it's course. I'm sorry.

Dotcheck · 04/08/2023 10:32

Actually OP- go back and read your post.

  • I’m tired of spending weekends alone
  • Her travelling to me is easier
  • She’s not seeing me as a priority
  • I’m putting up with it because of how I feel
  • This isn’t going to work unless she prioritises me
Comes across as quite selfish
Original poster
ECJW7839 · 04/08/2023 10:35

@Dotcheck I made it very clear in the beginning I wouldn’t be able to travel as much as one of my children has a disability and struggles with the travel. We have had plans over the last 8 weeks but she has cancelled at times to do other last minute plans instead which is fine, I’ve kind of mentally checked out from the situation anyway, if she doesn’t want to travel that’s fine but I wish she would be honest about it and just let me go and I’ll find someone closer that I can spend time with more regularly. It just feels like she keeps me hanging around at times

OP posts:
Chickenkeev · 04/08/2023 10:39

ECJW7839 · 04/08/2023 10:35

@Dotcheck I made it very clear in the beginning I wouldn’t be able to travel as much as one of my children has a disability and struggles with the travel. We have had plans over the last 8 weeks but she has cancelled at times to do other last minute plans instead which is fine, I’ve kind of mentally checked out from the situation anyway, if she doesn’t want to travel that’s fine but I wish she would be honest about it and just let me go and I’ll find someone closer that I can spend time with more regularly. It just feels like she keeps me hanging around at times

It seems a non runner. Kids are non negotiable. If she doesn't get that it won't work imo. Sorry.

Hadjab · 04/08/2023 11:00

ECJW7839 · 04/08/2023 10:35

@Dotcheck I made it very clear in the beginning I wouldn’t be able to travel as much as one of my children has a disability and struggles with the travel. We have had plans over the last 8 weeks but she has cancelled at times to do other last minute plans instead which is fine, I’ve kind of mentally checked out from the situation anyway, if she doesn’t want to travel that’s fine but I wish she would be honest about it and just let me go and I’ll find someone closer that I can spend time with more regularly. It just feels like she keeps me hanging around at times

If you've mentally checked out, then why are you waiting for her to let you go when you've done just that? Tell her its not working and move on with your life.

SadieOlsen · 04/08/2023 12:03

She hasn't seen you for 8 weeks, so it's clearly over. The phone calls etc are her using you as a crutch and sounding board because she is unhappy with where she lives.

ManateeFair · 04/08/2023 13:09

You want more from the relationship than she does and no, it's not going to work.

Neither of you is in the wrong, but you definitely want different things.

ManateeFair · 04/08/2023 13:18

I’ve kind of mentally checked out from the situation anyway, if she doesn’t want to travel that’s fine but I wish she would be honest about it and just let me go

'Let you go'??!! She doesn't have to 'let you go', you're an adult woman with free will, not a caged canary.

If you want to go, you can just go. It's not her fault that you're not brave enough to end it. If you've 'mentally checked out' and just want her to dump you so you can meet someone closer, then you're not being honest with her, either, are you?

Basically, you want the relationship to end, but instead of ending it yourself, you want her to be the one to say it's over, so you don't have to be the villain. That is really cowardly on your part.

The relationship isn't working, you both want different things, so just bloody end it instead of moaning about it.

amylou8 · 04/08/2023 13:20

Are you contributing towards the cost of travelling? 2 hours is going to be £50/60 in petrol there and back, that's a fair wack.

Workawayxx · 04/08/2023 13:46

It sounds like neither of you is exactly at fault (although sounds like she has been pretty flakey recently) but she enjoys a spontaneous lifestyle as she doesn't have commitments and your living situation is (necessarily) totally the opposite. Then the distance between you exacerbates those differences. I think I'd just nicely end it now before things get any harder. At least if you're expecting weekends by yourself you won't feel disappointed.

Watchkeys · 04/08/2023 13:50

Why does she say she's not coming? I don't mean 'What is she doing instead?', I mean, what are her reasons for deprioritising seeing you?

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