Dating now and the future..

[Sammy900]

I just got into a pretty interesting discussion with a taxi driver on the topic of modern dating today.

I'm not from an era of apps in my adult youth, no one had a mobile phone when I was younger, we had the internet when I was at Uni yeah but from a desk top or laptop if you were lucky enough..we had to go to the computer room, library, etc

I'm from an era of going out and socialising, intermingling and getting together with people face to face that way, clubs, bars, mutual friends, shared activities

These days I'm just baffled and intrigued by the dating scene..I've got some mates that are still single and have used all the dating apps and it's just weird to me, like anti-chemistry, a forced 2-dimensional catalogue scroll- I just don't get it...you might find that someone ticks all the boxes but when you meet them how do you know you're going to be actually attracted to them? It's soul destroying for some of my friends trying to find someone they click with

The taxi driver said to me, that all the time he listens in the front and in the back he hears people chatting and the majority of younger people these days don't strive for a family, they are too busy working and a friends with benefits situation just suits them..hardly ever hears about people talking about commited relationships. It seems that people are disposable these days and relationships fleeting

I know there is a new movement happening (that I've dodged) ...but I just wonder what the consequences are for the future..and if traditional family values are slowly dying out

Misogynistic/Patriarchal keep her barefoot, pregnant in the kitchen, without a bank account traditional family values?

Depends on what you mean by 'traditional family values' I guess.

I agree with you, OP, there seems to be little longevity built into anything these days. If you look back, in the UK, traditional family life has been eroded over the past few decades - for the indigenous population - whilst ethnic groups and those coming to the UK are retaining their traditional values.
For certain sectors of the population it would seem that a traditional marriage/family/relationship is unsustainable as it is not longer possible to "run" a family on a single income without outside support.
Marriage appears to have been turned into a competitive and commercial commodity - with an over-emphasis on the wedding ceremony itself, rather than the fostering of long-term stable relationships. You can see this evidenced in the diversity of locations where a marriage can take place. In my day it was either church or register office (England).
The rise in reliance on the internet has meant that everything is available to everyone (with access) all the time, which either causes people to flit around like butterflies from one thing to whatever is the next promoted behaviour or activity or to withdraw completely due to the saturation of information - whether true or not.
Everything is out of balance and massively over-analysed! Couple this with an awful habit (or desire) to label and compartmentalise people and you can understand why there is no longer a desire to stick with original decisions, because you can always move on to the next readily-available option.
I do not know what the solution is or even if there is one now.

I think marriage used to be necessary, particularly for women. Now, thankfully, it's becoming less so

Good for all those women AND men who have life and personality outside of dating/sex/marriage/kids!
Why should everyone be stuck in marriages and kids, it’s clearly not a road to happiness for most.

"the majority of younger people these days don't strive for a family, they are too busy working and a friends with benefits situation just suits them"

If the pressure of having children isn't being felt by younger women, that's a good thing imo. Unlike on here it's women who have the burden of the family and now, earning money on top. Equality still isn't across the board. Traditional family values didn't go in women's favour. A lot of young women are living great lives compared with my generation (I'm 55) and they are standing for less crap than we had to. 'Traditional family men' were the pervy bastards we had to endure when we were teens.
Out of your discussion, I think that men not wanting to settle down until a lot later can be an issue for many women and that traditional pubs no longer existing is tragic.

What do 'traditional family values' mean to you and what about some of the downsides, especially for women? I think it's pretty good to be moving away from the lives my grandmothers and most of my maternal aunts had. If one wage minus housing and cost of living prices mean that women have to work as many hours as men then traditional, patriarchal values have had to have a pretty big shift. And it's not just about money. Women aren't necessarily fulfilled by children and marriage and are happier with casual flings for longer if they want company. The definition of 'traditional family values' is key here.

That's a good thing though. Less "families" means less children. And THE single most impactive thing we can do to benefit the planet is to stop having children.

Looking ahead, yes there will be a VERY challenging period of adjustment. Less children is unlikely (in the medium term) to have any positive effect on the availability or affordability of houses, without "family" to provide a "home", all these young free and single people will have to find homes of their own.

Also, there will be a short period, two decades or so, where care for the elderly will be severely lacking. There won't be sufficient numbers of "young" people available to do those jobs. I expect euthanasia will be legalised to help reduce the number of people needing care.

But, I think the "new" trend of using dating apps will also fall by the wayside. The relative toxic culture that exists ATM, where all men and boys are viewed as sexual predators, will have an effect on relationships. I can see a period, relatively soon I expect? where resentment and suspicion will set in, leading to a complete fracturing of the "traditional" societal rules which we have adhered to for the last several centuries. A period where man and women will not interact, an ironic, self imposed, segregation.

I’m older but having bashed my head against the dating wall for the last year or so I can 100% see why people are happy with FWB. If I want sex I can get it, no strings, and then I can spend my free time with my female friends and my kids, go for holidays and nice days out with them too.

The only reason I can think of that having a man in my life would be beneficial is to share the financial burden of running a home, but IME the added physical burden of living with a man in no way makes up for their financial contribution.

Traditional family set up is disadvantageous to many women, so apart from a couple of years when DCs are very young and having a parent at home might be helpful, people don’t need to find “the one” and settle down. There are so many more interesting options for both men and women now.

Sorry if I was misleading- I’m 100% for everyone having access to work and equality in relationships and can see why marriage isn’t a necessity now as we can all earn our own wages and aren’t chained to the sink - really I suppose what I meant was the change and driving force behind couple behaviour - and romantic relationships- people tend not to value the traditional meaning of marriage in that you find a partner you love, settle down with them, have children - it’s just an observation from someone completely off the dating scene and I was just wondering where it’s heading for the future - it might be progression and just the way things are evolving for the better

@onefinemess you are being incredibly naive. When our population drops, we up immigration. The strict Muslim men will never limit family size. The Catholic black African families who I'm friends with won't have less than three children, because of cultural pressures.

"people tend not to value the traditional meaning of marriage in that you find a partner you love, settle down with them, have children"

I didn't see much of that in the 60/70's, every third house in my neighborhood had visible DV going on. Rose tinted glasses.

Given half of all marriages end up divorced less coupledom can only be a good thing.

The focus of my O/P is really to discuss the changes and ways people date, what a romantic relationships mean to people now- all the options they’ve got…..the struggles they’ve got or the benefits if it works for you - is it killing the idea of settling down with one person and being committed to them? is that a good or a bad thing…are we going to have loads and loads of single parents or just less children later on down the line

Like I said my single friends are really having a tough time with it all and seem to have mismatched values- a lot of guys who they are approached by seem to be a lot older than them, or up for something casual, already married - maybe the idea of cheating, is fizzling out and people will just accept more open relationships

Some really interesting points raised by posters already I hadn’t considered thank you

It's great we have choice now and aren't expected to chain ourselves to the kitchen sink. We can have careers, travel, have some kind of life other than as caregivers for men and children.

However, I have noticed from men I know and men I've encountered on various dating apps, not many men in their 30s actually want children. On the apps, very few men tick the "want children" box on their dating profiles. Most men either tick to say they don't want children or tick the unsure box. These are men from 30-40. It really shocked me the amount of men aged 35-40 who ticked the unsure box, how can you not know if you want children at 38 years old?! It's the same when I talk to men I'm friends with in real life. They don't feel any real pull to have children.

People use dating apps because they want to. If people preferred bars they would go there instead.

Apps in someways are better. You get an outline of the person and what they look like as a filter. In a bar all you get is what they look like and whether they have a good line in chat.

Apps cater for different needs, ie hookups or people looking for a serious relationship. You know pretty much what people are interested in, whereas picking up someone in a bar you have to guess what their motivations are.

There's also the thing that you can be clear on an app that someone is actually interested in dating (even though they might not be interested in you), as there seems to be an increasing tendency for relationships in workplace, clubs etc to be frowned on or cause issues for the people involved, with people accused of harassment and getting disciplined.

I don't think once people get together their lives are conducted via app, so the fact they get together via app has no bearing on how their relationship plays out in the long term.

Yeah - I was just discussing this the other day with my friend who is seeing an amazing new guy, get on well, lots in common 30s, absolutely doesn’t want kids

She’s also not sure if he is still seeing others, so isn’t sure whether to continue with it as that’s not something she wants

I grew up in the 70s in a rural location. There wasn't much to do in life but settle down and get married! I moved away, but many of my relatives/childhood friends married young (in their early 20's). Only one of those couples actually got divorced btw. The rest are still together. The options on how you spent your free time were either go to the pub or watch TV. There wasn't a whole lot else! There wasn't even a cinema anywhere near where I lived. So having a partner made life less boring.

Now there are so many ways to fill time. The internet, numerous hobbies, more entertainment options, cheap flights for travelling. More women do work and earn enough to fund themselves (but it does leave them with less free time). The need to partner up has diminished, for both men and women. I'm now single in my 50s and work, hobbies, family and friends, take up all of my time. I wouldn't want to sacrifice any of those things to be in a relationship.

I don't see it as a bad thing overall. I do think there is still a major societal pressure to get married and have kids. So I think we're still a long way off from it being seen as "normal" to not want a relationship. Even though I think it should be the case that it is normalised.

FelicityFlops

Really interesting thoughts, Thankyou

I can see how things are changing and pros and cons of how technology is used now, not just for dating but everything…. So many more people work from home now so whole lives can just be spent in front of a screen - I can see the benefits for say people who are housebound and now have access to everything, my kids just want to be on screens all the time too - bloody obsessed! I know that’s up to me I’m the parent..

The other day I was sat at the gym having a coffee and looking around I could see 7 people working on their laptops - and I though haha they’re at work! While sat at the gym, they can just go and play tennis in a minute - gotta watch out for the stooped posture hunch back though - that won’t be cool later on - we need to figure out how to help with that….change table heights?

If I had only relied on dating apps, I would probably have had to go on literally hundreds of dates to find someone I was attracted to as I find very few people physically attractive without getting to know them first and even then it’s usually over a period of time

Naive? No.

The children of those people you mention will not want to do the same as their parents. The restrictive covenants of those religious/cultural imperative will not be something their children aspire to.

I think maybe we are in a juxtaposition currently. Times are changing, they way people behave and interact is constantly changing...so the struggles of some of my friends who are late 30s/40s might be that they have different values to reflect the era they are from...so they're after committed long term relationships, rather than multiple flings, children, to continue to work, travel and have their own freedom but be exclusive in a romantic relationship...where as all they are coming across are a lot of guys that don't want that at all

...and then just observing the new normals for the younger generation.

There are a lot of threads on here, daily about valuing committed relationships still,.... is he cheating? porn use, marriages breaking down after affairs - so clearly a lot of people do actually still want to stay in monogomous relationships and it is still generally seen as bad thing to stray...

Yet on the otherhand, like posters oppinions on this thread...the idea of marriage is old fashioned, used to entrap people, lead to DV, tied people to the kitchen sink, loads more options and benefits to being single and free from those constraints

It's a confusing time!🙃

It's different now. Young adults don't feel they have to have the wedding and children like I did when I was that age.

They also have more mixed sex friendship groups so they feel the need to have a man to go to the pub with. They already have that.

You're saying that like affairs and marriage breakdowns are a new thing.