Lovely friend with suspected ADHD constantly in trouble at work.

[TellySavalashairbrush]

I have a kind, generous and very intelligent friend in their early 60s . I have long suspected she has undiagnosed ADHD but we have never discussed it.
friend has a middle management level job, this is her fourth job in 8 years. At each of her jobs (I was her colleague at one place, so have seen her in the work environment) she has managed to be put on special measures or informal capabilities process before she then resigns before being pushed. She is knowledgeable and will help anyone but she is very disorganised, terrible at meeting deadlines and can be very unfocused sometimes . I really worry about her but she doesn’t seem to learn from her previous experiences with the bosses .
As a friend would you point out why you think this might be happening to her at every job she does? I know she can be sensitive and quite blunt if she doesn’t agree with someone else’s criticism of her , but she is at risk of being unemployed again now and at her age I am concerned she will struggle to find another vacancy.

Yes - she might be pissed off with you but as a real friend you should do it.

Point out if she gets a diagnoses she can get some free work coaching, and that she can also pay for some while she’s waiting.

No, I wouldn't. If she's was in her early 20s yes, but in her early 60s it's too late. She has got this far without you help and although she has lost a lot of jobs, she also seems to be doing OK if she has a management role. She also only has a couple of years left to work. You'll end up being shot as the messenger.

She also only has a couple of years left to work.

Not necessarily these days.

Please tell her.

There is a lot that she can do to help herself at least on a personal level. Proper diagnosis and therapy could take years if its available at all.

I have a confirmed diagnosis of autism which I got in my 40 s. suspect also ADHD.

I realised only the year before last that I am most probably autistic. I asked my GP for a referral for an assessment - I have no idea whether one has been made but the waiting list for assessments in my area is 3 - 4 years. So think carefully as to whether telling her will actually help. It may... I have found it helpful to know why I am the way I am and it has helped me to feel less 'weird'. My work is very supportive so I have found it helpful sometimes (with new colleagues for instance) to let them know so that they can understand if I appear unsociable or if I inadvertently offend anyone, but I ask that such instances be brought to my attention so that I can do something about them. It may be helpful for her as well, but she could also be mortified. Perhaps working together on some strategies to be more organised, keep track of things might help?
I don't think I have ADHD but I need to have a whiteboard with tasks written on it that I can wipe off when they are complete otherwise I spend a lot of time panicking that I have forgotten to do things, and I do forget things if I'm not reminded as well.
I am now in my early 60s and I have never been more organised! It makes me feel good.

I have ADHD.

Do her challenges also spillover into her personal life? Is her house messy, is she behind on bills, miss appointments etc?

I cannot see what would be gained by mentioning this to her.

She is in her 60s and has had many jobs. If she has not learnt strategies and adjustments to help herself by now, I doubt a diagnosis would yield significantly different results.

I suppose it would offer an explanation for why she struggles, and embolden her to ask for adjustments at work that might not otherwise be obvious or available to her.

But in my area the waiting list for a diagnosis is over 3 years, bringing her very close to retirement age.

And there is always the possibility she could be offended by the suggestion.

On balance, I don't think I would offer this advice unsolicited. If she asks for advice, suggest strategies that help those of us with ADHD.

Perhaps medication could help.
You could mention it in passing.
is she secure financially if she keeps losing jobs?

Yes. Her house is extremely messy. She loses her door keys frequently, misplaces her train tickets, bank cards , forgets medical appointments.

She should be financially secure as she earns a good wage and paid her mortgage off years ago, but she is by her own admission a spendaholic. She also wants to move to a much bigger house. She is a spinster with a dog, so doesn’t need a massive house but won’t be advised otherwise.

Speaking as someone with ADHD, I would try to bring it up gently in conversation. It was a huge comfort to me when I figured it out and became able to work with my ADHD rather than against it. You sound like a good friend.

It really isn't 'too late'. I'm in HR and currently working with an employee in their 60s who has just been diagnosed with ADHD. Together with Access to Work we're figuring out adaptations. These might include technology to help her plan and organise, adjustments to working practices, coaching for her and awareness training for her colleagues and/or managers.

If she's going through a performance process she needs to raise possible ADHD as mitigation, maybe ask for Occupational Health input.

This welfare pack is excellent and a good starting point for a conversation with her employers https://adhduk.co.uk/adhd-and-work/

You'd be doing her a service to raise it gently.

All those saying don’t tell her I think that is cruel

ADHD affects every single moment of your day. Just because someone only has a couple of years to go before retirement is immaterial because it doesn’t just disappear once you reach a certain age

If she thinks that she isn’t running around bouncing off the walls so she can’t have adhd, remind her that as a female it presents differently to males.

I wasn’t diagnosed till late 50s and I look back on my life and think of all the wasted opportunities. The half life I have led.

Doesn’t she deserve a shot at leading a full life.

Apart from getting work related help their are meds that help.

When the meds kick in and my brain. quietens the amount of work I can get through is huge.

i think about what my life would be without my meds and I just don’t think I would be alive now let alone having a roof over my head.

Without them I would never have been able to get myself through the last few years.

What if having a label or a diagnosis of something is incredibly distressing for her?

I'm a little bit younger than her and AFHD and the autistic spectrum etc was practically unheard of when we were growing up and young women so it could be quite frightening for her to be labelled as such.

You sound lovely op, and I don't subscribe to the "too late/too old to get a diagnosis" brigade, because in my experience they are probably the same people who have judged her , her entire life but also hate labels 😔.
For many , it's years and years of masking, fucking up , just to find that there was help, support and meds available the whole time .

She is in her 60s and has had many jobs. If she has not learnt strategies and adjustments to help herself by now, I doubt a diagnosis would yield significantly different results

This is the equivalent of telling someone who has been in a wheelchair their whole life that it is no good going for a diagnosis which might mean they can treat their issue because if they haven’t learned to walk by now they are never going to,

Next you will be thinking all we gave to do is make a list.

A diagnosis would mean she could try medication.

My area diagnosed me within a few months of getting the referral from my GP

She could always go private. Does your company have any private health benefits.

Dombasle
Going through life without a diagnosis is the scariest thing.

Thank you all for your very helpful advice. I will show her that ADHD work welfare pack . I have another lovely friend who has been diagnosed with ADHD in his 30s and he said it has been a great relief. He is on medication and so much happier .

You sound very much ike a good friend I had a few years ago. She would have written exactly the same post about me. I have lived 55/62 years with no idea at all. I just always knew chaos reigned wherever I went. Hyper focus made me very successful at my chosen career.

I cannot tell you how absolutely relieved I was when I realised I had ADHD, because it released me from all the judgement and. Failure I had carried for decades. It’s still bloody inconvenient, but now there is a reason rather than me just being shit as usual!

Every detail is similar- any space I inhabit becomes messy within seconds, my house is a disaster. I never have money because I spend all my money on shit. With my acceptance I had ADHD, the Wall of Despair followed as I reflected on the ways it affected outcomes in my life.

More and more my increased awareness has helped me moderate my behaviour so that it is not soooo irritating- I plan journeys meticulously nowadays, don’t interrupt the private conversations I overhear, I’ve even tried to stop the spending.

Your friend is also the same age as me, tell her. It may take some time for her to get her head around it, but she will. She knows all the ways she is failing, give her a chance to forgive herself for somethings she couldn’t help.

Mostly nowadays , remind myself it is a superpower!

I have adhd op and she will already know there is something 'wrong' with her but she is probably just telling herself she is useless / lazy so I think it's worth gently mentioning that she shares many traits with your other friend. She may not necessarily take it on board but at least its something for her to consider.

I think it would be kind to talk to your friend. I worked with an absolutely lovely woman who really really struggled in her office job due to undiagnosed neurodiversity. I felt awful for her because she was so nice and eccentric but simply not able to cope with an office job.