Need to face being honest about my life and really struggling with it

[lkjuel]

In a nutshell, I separated from DH last summer when DD was 12 months. She is now almost 2 and he has been in contract regularly and seen her infrequently. We are on ok terms however he had huge issues which led to the break up and in the end I just could not live with him. It was the most horrific time of my life. On the outside our life looked perfect. Wonderful home, brilliant careers, always doing fun things at weekend etc. When things went wrong they spiralled fast (I don’t want to go into details as it would be outing). It takes two to tango but objectively I know it was essentially his fault for some horrendous behaviour. Ex DH has now moved many many hours away for work - he had no choice in this.

Since the split I am ashamed to say that I lied. I have lied to everyone except my two closest friends and my immediate family. I’ve lied to wider friends, my colleagues, neighbours, you name it. And by lie I mean I’ve said DH is around sometimes, work got busy, etc etc. The lies have consumed me because obviously I’ve had to keep up with them and effectively make up things about our life like we’ve been to the zoo or we’ve had a takeaway. I have cancelled plans where we’ve both been invited and said we are ill or something has come up. My world has become smaller and smaller because of this. Who knows if people suspect, I doubt it as these are people who wouldn’t necessarily have ever seen DH really so it’s been easy to hide away.

DD is now getting to a chatty stage and I know she will say something soon. But that’s not the only reason I want to stop these lies. I absolutely hate living like this. At first I justified it as I couldn’t bear being questioned or even asked about something that had truly broken me. But if I’m honest now, I think I have moved forward enough to be factual and brief about matters. So I have no reason to continue these lies. Sadly a lot of these people are likely to be very judgemental, from traditional upbringings and will almost certainly talk about me being a single parent behind my back.

I don’t know why I am so terrified to just say Dh and I are no longer together. My life feels so horrible as I can’t be me, can’t be myself. I don’t know what I’m asking posting here, maybe how to go about it? What to say if people ask more about it? How to cope knowing I will be talked about?

It’s odd because I told my best friends immediately and I didn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed, I felt supported. But of course not everyone is like that and people do love a gossip, I’ve done it myself. I am a grown woman with a v responsible job and this entire situation is breaking me. Any advice?

I should also add that these lies mean my immediate family have had to lie on my behalf and it’s just horrible. I don’t want to live like this but I’m so scared of being honest.

Honestly it's no one else's business. Stop talking about him like you're still together but no need to expressly tell anyone you have split.

What are you really scared of? Who are these judgemental people you’re lying to?

Are you sure you’re not overestimating how much people will really care? Most people are too tied up with their own lives to care overly much about the lives of others.

And if anyone is judgemental, good. They’ve provided a quick twat radar, and you can bin them off without compunction.

Remember - those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.

2 options:
The blunt but quicker ‘DH and I have now separated’ . Most people will be too polite to probe any further, and you will only have to tell them once

or

Slower option Is to just fade him out. Stop mentioning him, no more trips to the zoo, any invitations just say sorry DH can’t make it. People will get the hint.

Just start one conversation at a time. Some people will be interested. Some won't. Some will judge, some won't. But you will soon learn who is a true friend, and who isn't.
And you don't owe an explanation to anyone. It's no-ones business!
But most importantly, be kind to yourself. You have been through a difficult time, and are not done yet, and you owe yourself forgiveness and kindness.

@TinaTotal it just comes up in all contexts. For instance on a work call we will have a round up of the weekend every Monday. People ask about him directly so I will have to outright say we are not together.

@LunaNorth i am not sure exactly, I think the idea that I’m being talked about? I feel ashamed that Dd is only just two and this has happened. I don’t want to be pitied and I know that will happen too.

Find one person to tell. I’m sorry you feel so bad about this. Being honest will enable people to offer you the support you need x

@RunningFromInsanity thanks. I guess I could start with the concept on no more lying. So starting to say what I’ve really been doing at the weekend with Dd. Why am I so daunted by it!! It torments me.

Agree with previous posters.
What is the alternative anyway? Carry on with the lying?
If people invite you both to things tell them you are separated. No need for any further details of when or why. If they ask just say you are not ready to talk about it at the moment.
Of course people will talk about it. It’s human nature. You can’t stop that but you have nothing to be ashamed about.
Time to move on 😘

I voted YABU only because the harshest judge about this is yourself. If they are judgemental, then they don’t deserve you in their lives. You have family and friends who are willing to lie for you. If anyone asks, from now on, just briefly says you are no longer together and you would rather not talk about it.

I ve lied about stuff, mostly because I've felt ashamed/embarrassed, afraid of being judged. Marriage breakups happen. Don't think about it any more. Get on with your life xx best wishes to you x

In the nicest way no one will really care. They have their own stuff going on and won't give it a second thought. It's not that unusual.

I ve lied about stuff, mostly because I've felt ashamed/embarrassed, afraid of being judged. Marriage breakups happen. Don't think about it any more. Get on with your life xx best wishes to you x

People break up all the time, marriages end in divorce a lot - isn't it about half of all marriages? You're really overthinking this.

Colleagues only ask after your husband and weekend to be polite, they don't actually care and most will put very little thought into what might be going on in your private life.

I think it’s because this all happened on maternity leave so I feel ashamed that dd was born into something that turned out to be so unstable. I think that’s the crux of it.

Now I think about it there’s only one person in particular that I don’t want to know which perhaps says it all, she’s not a true friend

You know deep down that it's time to start telling people. Tell your close family what you're planning.

Figure out what you're going to say and share your script with your family -
"It turned out that X wasn't ready for parenthood after all",
"X and I had different priorities - we tried to make it work but it was impossible",
"There was some bad behaviour on X's part that I couldn't accept and he had no intention of stopping".

Start with people you know will give you a hug. Work up to people you're not sure about.

The response you get to your news will have the very beneficial effect of sorting out true friends from people you shouldn't want in your life any more.

Think of the revelation as a way of freeing yourself from the false front that has imprisoned you and also as a way of bonding g with people who truly care about you.

Q: What did you get up to at the weekend?
A: I went to the park with DD
Q: What about DH
A: No, he wasn’t around/he didn’t come.

Next person.

You really need to.get a grip on this. Expecting other people to lie on your behalf is really dreadful, and you're very lucky they are happy to do it. So many people split up, there is no stigma attached at all. And even if there was, does it really matter that much? Just come clean with everyone you've lied to, some will be hurt, some will be understanding, some won't care either way. But you can't carry on like this.

You really don't need to tell anyone the details of it. Especially frenemies.

Colleagues - just drop mention of him, or if asked directly about him, say "I'm afraid we separated a while ago, it's been a difficult time, but onwards and upwards [big smile] How was your weekend?"

OP, I get this.

My reasons may have been a bit different to yours, but I also found it impossible to say the words when my H & I separated.

I did feel embarrassed & ashamed - it's not common where I am (tho has become a bit more so in the decade since) to separate. It was the last thing I wanted (intrinsically - I mean I did actually want the marriage to end when it did as it was abusive).

I was so opaque in my description of the situation I think some people didn't know what I was saying!

I didn't invent any stories but broadly, I was like you.

PP are correct. People largely won't care or remark - people are concerned with their own lives. If people say something, mostly it'll be out of concern for you. And yes, you'll get the odd mad / nosy / judgmental person.

But the real reason it's important, is the acknowledgment to yourself that it's over. That your marriage has ended, that chapter is closed. Saying it allows you to move on and look ahead to what's next.

I will say, even now, I baulk if I'm in say a work situation and someone happens to mention or ask about my husband, not knowing. Sometimes I still just gloss over it. That's ok I think, it's not necessary to tell everyone everything (but don't lie either!)

I feel ashamed that dd was born into something that turned out to be so unstable.

I felt like this too (my DC were not quite 2, 4 & 6). In the age-old MN line, I felt people would judge me for continuing to have kids with someone who had been manifestly unreliable).

I still honestly hate that I'm a single parent, that my DC don't have a dad actively involved. I live in a very homogenous world of professional parents x 2 with 3 DC etc.

You just have to make yourself see that you did the best for your DD, as I did for my DC, and to be proud of yourself for making a difficult decision & managing alone.

@EarringsandLipstick thank you.

I have just text two people that were on my mind about all this. Feeling so anxious and really want them to respond to get it over with.

Weirdly I do feel better already in a small way.

@EarringsandLipstick also I am so sorry you’ve been through similar. You sound v v strong!

This sounds akin to needing to 'come out of the closet'! Do you fear others judgement, or is it you actually judging yourself. Have you been brought up to believe divorce is shameful? Maybe you feel the reason for yhe break up is shameful and reflects badly on you...so you should have known, or maybe if you were a decent wife this wouldn't have happened.
I think before you are honest with other people you should be honest with yourself. What's really stopping you sharing?

That's brilliant! I promise each time it gets easier 💐