AIBU to have low confidence because of what we haven’t achieved

[HolyParc]

DH and I are early 40s and we have a DC in school. Good mid management jobs (although I have a better salary and career than DH) and we will hopefully be able to buy our first home as soon as the interest rates will go down.
Our financial situation has improved over the past few years thanks for a few promotion but in the past we had fairly average salaries and with the cost of childcare too we never manage to buy a property in our early 30s like many around us. This means we are likely going to settle for a flat or a modest house (we live in an expensive part of the country). I know we are lucky to even be in a position to buy when there are people struggling to pay the bills but I cannot help comparing our life to others. Most of my colleagues for example live in beautiful 4 bed detached houses (either they climbed the ladder very early or married well etc) and also most parents in DC school. It’s silly I know but makes me feel as if we haven’t “made it” and we are not giving our DC enough when compared to peers.
AIBU to feel so insecure about this? I don’t ever mention this to DH as it would hurt him a lot and never speak about it in RL so wanted to hear MN’s opinion

Sorry, a few typos as I am walking whilst writing this!

I mean, it’s all relative. I feel the same though I do own a house - but in the North West not SW London where I was brought up, where terraced houses are 1.1m.
The thing is feeling like this I think, is the enemy of being confident and enjoying life and improving your situation so hard as it is, I would try and stop focusing on your relative “failure”.

I do understand what you are saying about others apparently having bigger/better/sooner, but you should also be really proud of what you are achieving now - some folk will never be able to buy their own property, even though they work hard, and so the fact that you are able to IS an achievement. Try to enjoy what you do have, there are always going to be people with more than, unless you are a millionaire (billionaire) perhaps? Some of those who appear to be doing well might well be doing so, others may be mortgaged/loaned up to their ears and beyond (and actually really worried about the state of the economy right now).

I just can’t seem to own the fact that this is what we are going to do and settle for. I want more but know ai can’t afford it or we’d hve to drastically change our lives by moving elsewhere and we don’t want to do that, we have a DC.
I wish I was different and these things didn’t matter

Like a op said, some people will be mortgaged up to their ears with what you see as their large, beautiful, detached homes. I have a friend who has done this with her DH and they’ve now found themselves having to cut back dramatically in other areas in order to afford the mortgage and it’s causing them a lot of stress. Of course, some could also be easily affording large homes too.

Cut your cloth accordingly and buy a home that you can easily afford the mortgage for with a buffer for unexpected expenses. I don’t believe in this cutesy ‘forever home’ stuff so perhaps look at it as your first step onto the property ladder and you can always move later as your financial position strengthens.

DS(8) told me yesterday that everyone else whose home he has visited has a nicer home and garden than us; it stings but we bought what we can afford and we refuse to overstretch our finances.

I’ve said Yabu as yes, you shouldn’t be so insecure. We climbed the ladder in our 30s and have good jobs so we are in a fairly nice detached 4 bed house but if I paused and compared to some of my peers I’d be soooo miserable because there are so many people I know who are better off. Making comparisons doesn’t help you at all.

Meantime I’m wealthier than I wanted to be… parents died and I inherited quite a bit. So we are mortgage free. I am immensely grateful that we have that financial security but would I prefer to have my parents back and money troubles instead? You bet I would. I would honestly trade it all, just to spend one more happy, healthy week in their company.

If you have a good relationship, healthy kids, and a small house you are doing pretty well. I would just… try not to think about all the people who have more than you.

Focus on yourselves and be proud of the work and decisions you have made that will enable you to buy your own home soon. To be honest, people are generally quite self-centred and probably don't spend as much time analysing you as you might imagine. I have always enjoyed hospitality and people have seemed to enjoy coming to my home. That has been the same in the variety of homes I have lived in over the years, from more modest to more spacious and expensive. Try to develop that warm and hospitable vibe and people won't care where you are living.

@Wisenotboring this is lovely advice. And you are so right! I never really thought about it like that, but the people i want in my social circle are the people with that lovely homely feeling wherever they live.

Comparison is the thief of joy I think the saying goes...

Ah, OP, don't feel like that. Everyone's different and you never know what the future holds.

We've got quite a nice house, but we married quite young, didn't divorce, are healthy so could work good jobs and had easy to manage children that we could work around.

Fortune and circumstance goes a long way to determining your financial situation.

Everyone’s path through life is different, health and contentment are what matters, sounds cliched but it genuinely is true. Enough money to be comfortable helps with contentment but I don’t believe a big house brings happiness.

We are fortunate that we bought in the late 90’s but we are in a bog standard 3 bed semi in what used to be an undesirable area, bit better now. We have been for the last 20 years. We won’t go bigger and we are very comfortable. Other people’s lives are rarely what you perceive them to be. Comparison definitely is the thief of joy.

🌺