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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner started vaping

13 replies

Elaina87 · 03/08/2023 18:50

Ok so I am genuinely wanting to know whether I Abu. My partner is nearly 42 years old, never smoked apart from probably the odd social one when he was a lot younger. Recently I found a box of vapes on his desk which is set up in our kitchen/diner area. I asked him about it and he lied to my face saying he got them on a night out ages ago when he'd had a drink, but never used them. (He very rarely goes out- like 3 times a year maybe). We have a 5 year old and 3 month old baby, he is trying trying set up a business. Last few months have been hectic and hard work obviously with having a new baby and he struggles a bit with his mental health at times anyway. He exercises a lot to keep that in check. The other day I walked into the room and saw what looked like smoke going up into thr air behind his desk I was like wtf is that?! Then realised he was vaping. He immediately denied and hid it... lying to my face again! I said well either you want me to think I'm going insane or you'll admit it. We had a small argument but 5 year old and baby there so I didn't want to go to mad, and he said he didn't tell me cos I knew I wouldn't approve of it. He said he's heard it helps with stress so does it occasionally. So number 1 I'm angry he is doing it, why on earth start that at the age of 41 when you've never smoked? It's clearly not good for you! He's He's health conscious so it baffles me. Number 2, he's doing it in the house in a room the kids and I are in and out of and I'm not sure if passive vaping is harmful? He says not.... But mainly I am very upset and angry he has lied to my face. He doesn't think it's a big deal. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Fairygoblin · 03/08/2023 19:51

He's an adult, he's under stress with his new business, he's allowed to make his own decisions and he has found something that helps him occasionally, presumably it's his house too? So YABU. If you treat him like a child he'll react like a child and lie and cover it up. If he thought you'd be reasonable maybe he could have been open about it. Vaping is by far less harmful than cigarettes

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 03/08/2023 19:54

MN is weird for things like this op - sugar is the enemy but fags and vapes don't seem to offend anyone.
But l agree with you and would find it weird if dh started at that age and def wouldn't want it in the house or anywhere near tje kids.

Karwomannghia · 03/08/2023 20:05

My dh has gone from smoking to smoking when around other smokers on a night out and having Nicorette gum most of the time to now occasionally cracking out a vape when he’s had a couple of drinks at home on top of the social smoking and gum. It just baffles me why you’d take it up. It looks ridiculous as well.

Elaina87 · 03/08/2023 21:36

Fairygoblin · 03/08/2023 19:51

He's an adult, he's under stress with his new business, he's allowed to make his own decisions and he has found something that helps him occasionally, presumably it's his house too? So YABU. If you treat him like a child he'll react like a child and lie and cover it up. If he thought you'd be reasonable maybe he could have been open about it. Vaping is by far less harmful than cigarettes

Actually fairgoblin no, it my house, not his. He lives in my house. But thanks for your input, as I said I want to know if I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:
meridian37 · 03/08/2023 21:53

Ask him to vape outside

Other than that, if he wants to vape then he can do. It's his body

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/08/2023 21:56

I get it. I would be really frustrated if my DH started smoking or vaping but it would be his choice. In the house would be an absolute no though.

PammyShipman · 03/08/2023 22:02

I'm with you op. Starting at that age is very strange. Clearly doesn't understand the health risks either and is putting his whole family at risk doing it indoors and setting a terrible example to his kids. Smoking/vaping would be a non negotiable for me. If my husband ever chose to start he'd also be choosing divorce by default. Same with drugs.

mistermagpie · 03/08/2023 22:02

What a weird thing to suddenly start doing in your 40s... I guess you can't actually stop him, so I would just ask him to be honest in future and do it outside.

I really think the risks of vaping aren't properly known yet and personally I don't think it can be claimed to be much safer than smoking. I wouldn't want it around my children.

Spacecowboys · 03/08/2023 22:14

Yes I think you’re over reacting. He is an adult and if he wants to vape it is his choice. I don’t find that the smell lingers at all beyond a minute or so.

Dombasle · 03/08/2023 22:26

As a short term tool for giving up smoking I guess they are ok.

To start vaping when you're not a smoker just seems utterly ghastly.

FedUpMumof10YO · 03/08/2023 22:32

I heard something on This Morning that a cartridge is equivalent to the nicotine of 60 cigarettes.

Don't know how true that is though.

Anotherparkingthread · 03/08/2023 22:39

FedUpMumof10YO · 03/08/2023 22:32

I heard something on This Morning that a cartridge is equivalent to the nicotine of 60 cigarettes.

Don't know how true that is though.

I don't think that can be true as they come in different strengths. Also nicotine is nowhere near as bad for you as the other chemicals in cigarettes.

Honestly I don't see the harm, ask him to do it outside by all means but its hardly like he's doing lines of coke off the kitchen counter.

I imagine he's started doing it because he wants a 'thing'. Something that makes him feel he has bit of control and autonomy. Let him have his thing, disapprove if you like but don't badger him on it. He will probably get bored of it anyway.

backtogrey · 03/08/2023 22:40

Smoking and vaping are a deal breaker for me. My partner knows this and luckily doesn't want to do either.

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