To ask for help - my mum's cancer diagnosis

[creamedcustard]

I feel IABU as I just heard my mum has Stage 3 breast cancer and we hear about a decision on her treatment options next week (she won't tell me any details beyond that, except it's a large tumour and spread to the skin I think, so sounds advanced).

All my instincts are telling me to rush to her this weekend (she lives 200 miles away but it's quite straightforward to get to her place) and get her lots of nice food, lots of cuddles etc., maybe take her out (though she seems to have developed social anxiety over the last few years and gets upset at plans), or whatever would take her mind off things. Basically everything I'd want if I had shocking news. But I'm in a self-centred mindset and she's very different in character to me - she hates feeling like she's inconvenienced anyone or been a burden, and is very set in her ways (comes from a dysfunctional background etc as well so self-care/therapy, while she would really benefit from it, isn't high on her agenda).

However, just to confuse things further, she has a history of being very upset whenever she's insisted she's fine and needs no fuss, but then doesn't receive any attention (Mother's Day cards, visits, invitations out etc.) This is making it difficult to figure out exactly what approach to take here and whether she's being genuine when she says not to visit her yet.

She lives on her own and while there's another family member nearby who can help support, I just feel so bad leaving her to it, but she is insisting I don't come up and see her until she receives her treatment plan. There's also other family members telling me to save my money/time/leave from work as I might need to use it later when she goes through chemo and feels physically ill.

Any advice on this would be much welcomed, thank you, my head is in a state right now!

I would go, but not be over the top spoiling when you get there as much as you want to. Just go and be present with her. She might not know she wants or needs it until you're there. Hugs for you. ❤️

If you can pop in to see her and just do a shop and keep her company without it compromising later visits I would go. If going now means you cannot go when she may need you I would wait. You sound very thoughtful to realize people are different, but a low-key visit would be nice and appropriate. I am so sorry and hope your mom recovers well.

To be honest in her position I think I’d like lots of chats over the phone or FaceTime or something. So regular communication rather than one off grabs gestures.

*grand

I think absolutely go and spoil her rotten. Just be there. Go for lunch. Chat about things, take a walk together.

I would tell her that you want to see her to reassure yourself. But I wouldn't go so OTT on the looking after her. Just be normal.

I would also tell her that you would like to be with her at the hospital when she hears her options. Its so hard as a patient to take in all the information and to make the necessary decisions. Also be sure to record the apt.

I'd go, my dm died last year from stage 4 cancer, 5 months from diagnosis to her passing.
Luckily dm lived round the corner from me so I basically moved in and worked from home for 5 months.
My mum was pretty self-sufficient but she was so scared, it was heartbreaking.
I don't want to scare you op but you need to brace yourself for what's probably coming.
The treatment is bad enough but cancer is a bastard.
I saw and did things for my mum that I didn't ever think I'd have to, stuff that haunts me.
I even gave my mum anti-clotting injections, a nurse showed me how to do it, my dm used to talk me through it whilst laughing at my shaking hands, bless her.
Go see your mum ❤️

Is it stage 3 or grade 3? If stage 3, that means it's contained in the breast and lymph nodes. If it's spread to the skin that would be stage 4.

I think it's a good idea to visit and give her some tlc. Regardless of her prognosis, she will be feeling scared. I spent the first few weeks after my diagnosis believing I was going to die. It's absolute hell. It might be an idea to look at any diagnosis letters she's received to try and see exactly what she's been told.

Stage 3 breast cancer is curable. Spread to skin is generally stage 4 and is treatable, not curable. But it’s possible they are calling it “locally advanced”, which can also be stage 3. Are you sure it’s not grade 3? Stage and grade are different. In my experience, patients aren’t told their stage. I’m early 50s with invasive breast cancer and never have been told. Depending what treatment she will have, I’d hold off visiting for now, but she might want support later. There is likely to be surgery, then possibly radiotherapy or chemotherapy.

When I first found out my DDad had cancer my DH said "go now, no ifs or buts". His mum had died from cancer so I listened. It wasn't easy as we live in France but I did what he said.

It was the best advice I have ever been given in my life.

Your Mum may have a long journey ahead, or it may be short, but this will mark it. 💐

Could you go with her next week for the treatment options? She won’t be able to take anything in so it’s best she has someone with her, you can make notes. Just be there for her.

My parents both died 3 years ago. I wish I’d seen them more, not less. The worst that happens is you put up with a relatively easy round trip.