Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When you take a break , are you fully no contact?

9 replies

theclamp · 03/08/2023 10:09

Was seeing a man for a few months.
Hi ex was always hovering.. crying , ringing him, looking for favours.in a word, very distressed.

In fairness to her, they had discussed marriage and buying a home but after one too many sexts to previous partners , the guy I was seeing had enough of her disrespect and finished with her. He said it was a death bY a thousand cuts.

All too much drama for me and all too much stress for him ... plus he was only newly broken up after we met. And we were only dating.

So we've agreed to stop things for now with a view to seeing how things may progress.

Is no contact the best way to go or is an odd text now and again the way to go.
I'm not hanging on or waiting around but there was potential, but for me, not until this stuff has passed over and he's had time to heal and deal with it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
theclamp · 03/08/2023 10:31

Anyone, please?
I've asked for the thread to be moved to the relationships board as it's possibly a more appropriate thread. Thanks

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 03/08/2023 10:59

I would say you've done the right thing there backing off as it's clearly still raw between them both and you don't want to get caught up in the middle of that.

If it was that bad previously with the ex, I would have thought he would cut contact with her or the other way around, unless there were children involved?

What you don't want to be is a rebound or to be in the position he ends up going back after a time, so yeah I would give it a wide birth for now.

At the end of the day it's your decision and if there isn't any safety concerns, you don't particularly need to go no contact completely. That's usually the extreme lengths from abusive relationships for own good.

So, I would say you could still talk but take it slow and don't rush into anything then see where that ex drama lies down the road.

Hth

Original poster
theclamp · 03/08/2023 11:05

Thanks!
This may sound juvenile but I was last to text and finish the conversation.
I have no interest on it placing myself anywhere near this mess but maybe feel that it could be out of sight, out of mind and we may drift if contact isn't sporadic and random.
Do I wait for him to reconnect or will I always be the first to make the contact ?
Or just leave it altogether and see how it unfolds

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 03/08/2023 11:33

He doesn't sound ready to start a relationship and you're worth a whole lot more than someone's messy endings. The ex sounds not as ex as he makes out.
Go full NC. Move on and see what life brings you

JibbaJab · 03/08/2023 11:36

Well I'm more an introverted guy but if you had ended it I wouldn't pressure, even if I was interested as I would wait for you, wouldn't want to make it weird.

In general I would happily make contact and wouldn't expect you to be the one making contact each time.

All depends on whether you think it's worth it and whether you think the relationship with the ex is done with.

I myself would prefer honesty and cards laid on the table but I would do the same back, I wouldn't lead anyone on so it depends what he's like in that regard I guess.

wilsondavid · 03/08/2023 11:40

You have done the right thing by backing up. I don't think there's any need to be in contact with him any further.

Evaka · 03/08/2023 11:41

Definitely go full cut off. He has a lot to work through! Partner and I got together way too soon after I left my ex husband and we were both in a terrible place. Took eight months with no contact and I got my shit together. When he asked to meet again I was healthy and ready and we were able to start a normal relationship!

User37652 · 03/08/2023 13:39

I would send a final message with something like ‘I really enjoyed our dates together and starting to get to know you! It’s obvious that you are in a difficult situation at the moment and I am looking for someone who has the time and energy to dedicate to me that I deserve. When you are in a good place then give me a call and I really hope the spark is still there :)’ Then you go complete no contact and go on dates with other people. You have given him the opportunity to work on himself, made sure he understands not to contact you until his situation is sorted and set your boundary that you will not accept being messed around but still left the door open for him to contact again in the future. Hopefully by that time you will have found someone you like much more and having a happy life. Don’t expect to hear from him again and then if you do it’s an added bonus.

ManateeFair · 03/08/2023 14:17

User37652 · 03/08/2023 13:39

I would send a final message with something like ‘I really enjoyed our dates together and starting to get to know you! It’s obvious that you are in a difficult situation at the moment and I am looking for someone who has the time and energy to dedicate to me that I deserve. When you are in a good place then give me a call and I really hope the spark is still there :)’ Then you go complete no contact and go on dates with other people. You have given him the opportunity to work on himself, made sure he understands not to contact you until his situation is sorted and set your boundary that you will not accept being messed around but still left the door open for him to contact again in the future. Hopefully by that time you will have found someone you like much more and having a happy life. Don’t expect to hear from him again and then if you do it’s an added bonus.

Yes, I'd agree with this.

To be honest, I strongly suspect you're better off out of this, OP. It sounds like a lot of drama for a new relationship and a lot of baggage. I'd also be inclined to wonder whether his account of how his previous relationship ended is strictly accurate.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page