Ex admitting to cheating. What would you do?

[blu3333]

I was with someone from being 18-27. We lived together for the last couple of years.
During the relationship I was very jealous and suspicious. I often thought he was up to something with other women and sometimes found evidence such as a text that would pop up on his phone etc. he denied it every single time and told me I was being jealous and paranoid.

We separated aged 27 but remained friends.
He has now said he has feelings for me still and that I've always been the love of his life. He said I've always been the one and he sees that we will eventually be together and this is something he would like.

He has now confessed that basically he did cheat when we were together all those years ago. He said he kissed 2 women during the relationship. Went to strip clubs a couple of times and was also messaging 2 women during the relationship.

I feel really upset. Even though it was years ago. I feel really upset that it is true. I always thought it but he denied it. I know it was ages ago and we were young. We are now in our late 30's but it's really affected me him telling me this.

He's been someone I have thought I might go on to have a relationship with again in the future. He's always felt safe to me and I have always felt loved by him despite all of this. But it has rocked me. Do I seem like I'm being dramatic?

We aren't planning to get back together or anything right now. But he has said he still loves me and wanted to be honest about this.
Could you ever move past this if you did decide to be together again?
He says he is older and wiser and would never do anything like this again.

It's awful that he's told you this now. What did he honestly hope this would achieve? Other than reopen old wounds?

@Thegrumpycup
He said he wanted to be honest with me and have no lies. I'm not sure if he feels better after telling me but I really feel sad when I'm thinking back to our relationship and all of this was going on. He's blaming it on him being an 'idiotic child'.

Well he may have been an idiotic child but he is a consistent liar. Could possibly forgive some mistakes (although this sounds like a pattern) but the gaslighting and lying I could not. At least you know who he really is.

Once a cheater always a cheater

And if they are not already a cheater then anyone has the potential to be a cheater

Honestly, it would make me certain there was no future together.
Kissing 2 women isn't the worst way he could have physically cheated, but he emotionally cheated too with the women he was messaging.
But, most importantly, he lied to you. You outright asked him, and he lied repeatedly. He could see how it was hurting you, and he kept doing it, kept lying about it. Watched it torment you as you had suspicions time and time again, and he could live with himself brushing it all off, making you feel like you were the one in the wrong, and continuing on a relationship with you knowing he was unfaithful and you wouldn't have stayed with him if you knew/had proof. Its the disrespect of the day in, day out, over and over. He Cannot possibly have had any respect for you, even if he believes he loved you.
To tell you now is also really cruel. It doesn't matter it was years ago, and it's not like he's not a big part of your life still. He's released his own pressure of guilt on to you, absolving himself to feel better, by making you feel absolute shit.

If he really loved you, and he has actually changed and wouldn't do this again if you got back together, he would have kept it to himself, resolved to be a better man, and a loyal, respectful partner to you if you ever rekindled, and accepted the feelings of guilt as his punishment to live with.

I don’t do déjà vu
I don’t make mistakes by two
I’ve been there before ain’t takin’ no more shit from you
‘Cause I don’t do déjà vu
I’ve seen this situation seems like I’ve been here before
You crying and beggin’ and pleading at my door
But I don’t do blasts from the past
And I’m sick and tired of lookin’ at your sick and sorry arse
I don’t do déjà vu
I don’t make mistakes by two
I’ve been there before ain’t takin’ no more shit from you
‘Cos I don’t do déjà vu

How much more of your life do you intend to waste on him? Haven't you wasted enough? Tell him too-de-fucking-loo and move on already.

It didn't work out before so won't work again. He wasn't committed before as he was keeping his options open. A bit of an opportunist and keeping you on the back-burner for now in case things don't work out for him elsewhere. Move on. Lucky escape.

You would be absolutely mad to get back with this man. He is a liar and a cheat. You say at the beginning of your post that you were very jealous and found bits of evidence ..... Given what he has told you, do you seriously think you would not be throwing it in his face when he was five minutes late, or sending a text on the sofa. He didn't make you feel safe, he made you jealous and that was before the confession.

Cut him loose, saying he loves you and wants to get back together sometime in the future is not a friendship - he is place marking, putting you on the back burner for later. Have some self respect, get some distance and leave him. You can do better.

He's not your friend.

Block him so you don't waste another 20 years on him

I doubt he’s told you the full extent of his cheating, even now.

Thank you all for your replies. I really wasn't sure what to expect as responses from you all. I have expected some people to tell me I'm being a bit dramatic and to move on.

It may be partly my fault why he has told me all of this now. Because he did say to me 'do you want to know the truth about what I did when we were together or do you want to draw a line under it and just move forward?' And I said I wanted to know. I couldn't help myself. I felt like I had a chance to know the truth.

I remember back then just knowing something was going on. He seemed secretive with his phone and now I know why. I had suspicions about him and one particular girl and it drove me insane because he kept denying it but I just knew something had happened between them.

I feel so sad that this has happened. He keeps saying he wants to be with me and that we can have a really good life together. But I don't think I'd trust him. I would always wonder if he is messaging someone. He says he isn't like that now. But who knows.
I also feel embarrassed that this happened. I went on works nights out with him and 2 of the girls he worked with. I just feel so hurt. Even though this happened years ago.

He knows he's hooked you back in again and is telling you about his cheating because in his stupid mind he thinks it will keep you on your toes and make you more attentive to his sexual needs and wanting to please him to stop him from straying.

Dump and let go of the past.

Just🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️now before you get hurt again.💔

OP - there are a zillion and one men out there.

Put this one in your past and move on.

Honestly - just forget him. He’s not all that.

This is so untrue

He keeps saying 'I know I've really fucked things. I'm sorry I just couldn't lie to you anymore and I want to always be honest with you'.

I don't think I'd trust him again if we were ever together in the future. I feel like he's a different person. And it makes me think different when I look back to our relationship now

Well, you were right about him. Not sure why you’ve continued to be friends with him and I’d certainly distance myself now. No point in going over old ground, draw a line under it yourself and lose contact. He’s lied continuously. There’s a reason why he’s your ex.

We aren't planning to get back together or anything right now. But he has said he still loves me and wanted to be honest about this.

You are not unreasonable to be upset. He treated you like shit and called you all sorts of names at the time, when you were bang on the money.

You would be absolutely insane to consider going back to this man and wasting any more of you life on him.

He could lie to you anymore? He lied to you for around 2 decades! Why go back to that when he made you paranoid before? You have financial independence from him, a life away from him, I assume no child ties (as they are not mentioned). It's much easier to keep that door shut then open it and have to kick him out of it again

That should say "he couldn't lie to you anymore?"

You're late 30's now? Do you not think you've wasted enough of your life on this loser? Time to draw a line under this one. He's neither a friend nor boyfriend material.

This really stood out in your latest post:
"if we were ever together in the future"

Don't do this to yourself.
Be friends with him if you want, but every single time he comes out with shit like 'I still love you' or 'I could never lie to you again' remind him that he had his chance and blew it, that you've also changed and you now know that you deserve someone better than that.
Think of it as doing your 'friend' a favour that'll help him be a better person in his own life in future.