Toxic family; fatphobic; weight gain; mental health; stress

[Iamworthy10]

Hi everyone, I hope you are all doing absolutely amazing and thank you to anyone who is taking the time to read this. For background history I am a 25 year old Muslim female from the UK

Lets say I've been battling with my weight loss for so many years. I go on the yoyo trend where I will do so well for a few days and crash - yes I give up but it is also because I live in an extremely toxic environment. My mother and older brother have always fat shamed me and have never made me feel as I have been good enough. Here is my weight history over the years:

21 years old: 73 KG
22 years old: 81 KG
23 years old: 86KG
24 years old: 88KG
25 years old: 93Kg

Please note throughout the years my weight has always gone up and down. My lowest weight I got to at the age of 25 was 86KG but yupp I'm back to being big; as I just returned from holiday so gained 3KG from that. As I currently write this thread I am 93KG

Today I told myself enough is enough I am going to do something about this because I hate the way I look. I do not feel beautiful and I want to do this for myself more than anything. So I had an amazing day, I drank my water, I ate really clean, I went to the gym went for a walk and by the evening I was very proud of myself after all it is the baby steps that count right?

Throughout the day my mother as always kept making ridiculous little comments about my weight. Stuff like: omg look at your ass its so fat; hey fatty what u doing; hey fatty make sure u eat less today and whenever she makes these comments she always uses the excuse that she wants the best for me which is absolutely bullshit because there are ways of saying things. However I decided to ignore it and didn't let it get to me.

I got back from my walk and as I was having dinner my mother started to attack my looks again. She was saying that my way of observing the hijab is completely wrong because you can always see the shape of my breasts etc. I have always done my best to dress to the best of my ability and I agree I can dress better in a more islamic way however the way she was attacking me was so horrible. She tried to say to my sister I don't care I am her mother and I should correct her. She tried to say that out of shame because my breasts were very observant in my dress and my hijab wasn't covering it properly my uncle left the room out of shame. That comment I found disgusting because it is definitely taken out of context. I was covered head to toe wearing a very loose dress my neck was not even showing, could I have observed the hijab better? 100%; however the stuff my mum was saying to me was so disgusting. Now to make things spicier, my mum does not wear the hijab she shows her hair. I retaliated and told her she doesn't even wear the hijab at all at least I am trying. I told her Islamically She should not be showing her hair but my mum is someone that follows culture more than religion. She says that the hair isn't as important as covering the shape of your breasts which I found crazy.

anyway this is a small example of what I go through. I get told to lose weight; okay I try to lose it And whilst trying to my family can see I'm actively trying they will be so negative and it destroys me mentally and I go back to square one.

when my older brother got back home I heard him and my mum bitching about my weight behind my back. My mum was saying it looks so disgusting her size and my older brother responded saying I know its too much I don't know why she minds so much when we tell her to loose weight. They both said no one is going to marry me and they'd like to see who will marry me.

i nearly got married last year and they then went to say how the guy I was with ruined me because he let me get fat and eat whatever I want and just because he liked me I think that every man will like me. I will attach a picture of my body just for the purpose of this thread.

anyway I guess I am just so tired. I don't know what to do, I feel so suicidal but I won't do it because my imaan is low I'm in the worst mental state ever and I could never meet my lord like this. It kills me it really does all of these negative comments. When they made that comment on who will marry me that hurt a lot - yes I want to lose weight but for myself and now I feel like if I do it I will prove them right which I hate and I lost weight because no one will marry me.

thank you for reading this and if anyone has any advice I would appreciate it so much

I weigh the same as you and it has absolutely no bearing on either my or your value as a human being.

Your family is very toxic. I grew up with similar shaming from my mother, abuse in the family and a religious upbringing (Christianity in my case) but very patriarchal and misogynistic. It is deeply unpleasant. The best thing you can do it try to get a good job and get out. Financial independence is the only answer to that level of toxicity. Their behaviour is about them, not you. You are absolutely fine the way you are.

Yes last week we had a similar argument on my weight and when I told her by accident out of anger that she is a toxic mother she started to screaming at me and became even more abusive and then started to say that I will go to hell because God has told children to respect their parents at all times and that heaven lies under their mothers feet.

I really want to leave my house however living alone is very very expensive. I work from home so that could be a big cause of distress too, I am too much in her face and need to spend more time out of the house so I will be going to the office more now. You are beautiful too

Move out.

Honestly, you'll feel much better living an independent life away from your toxic family.

They're not going to change are they?

X posted.

Flat/house share?

I’m not Muslim, I’m Hindu but I weighed between 94-99kg at your age and my parents were the same. Mum went so far as to refuse to let me wash my clothes in the washing machine (she padlocked the door) when I became a size 20, and so I had to take my work uniforms to a laundrette 5 miles away!

Honestly, I found getting married and leaving the house so liberating. In the meantime try and keep your distance. If possible go to the gym after work, don’t engage during family dinners (make your own food), and grey rock your family. Don’t give them any ‘interesting’ information about you that they can use against you - make yourself boring. As for hijab conversations - don’t engage. I’d argue as she isn’t an observant Muslim her opinion doesn’t matter (doesn’t it say in the Qu’raan not to argue with fools?), just walk away.

You have to find a way to move out and start living your own life away from your toxic family. It will probably mean compromises - a room in a shared house for example - but it will be a new adventure for you.

Your weight has no bearing on your value as a person. And by the way, you are DEFINITELY not going to hell.

Your family won't change. They're not being good Muslims. Islam is meant to make you a better person. The Prophet PBUH said he was sent to Mankind for only one reason - to improve their ikhlaas, character. Stop assuming your family are right. You're 25, move to a rental with other working women and live YOUR life.

I really appreciate your advice thank you so much. It is a sad world we live in. And believe me I've been praying I meet someone so I can get married and move out. I want to better myself first before marrying so please pray for me and pray I find the right person who will love me for me ❤️

I definitely need to keep myself as busy as possible and spend less time at home. It's funny because as soon as I start to do that I will get abused for never being home. I love my younger siblings so much they are my life and love me for me. It is my mother and older brother that are toxic

*akhlaaq, not ikhlaas . Sorry!

The above message was directed at Wenfy. Thank you so much everyone else for your advice I'm going to do my absolute best to level up so I can move out whether its through marriage or even independently with other working females / a room-mate

Just tell them to sod off and move out into a flat share. I think you’re putting far too much importance into their words. You need to move out and find out who you are as a person and what you really want. Your weight isn’t the issue here.

I always joke that Moses, who existed in a time when men had multiple wives and obviously then zillions of children, probably only picked up tablets with 9 commandments but what father of many wouldn’t add honour your mother and father to the list to round it out.

The actual way of nature is that parent’s nurture their children not damage them and demand undeserved obedience. You do not deserve to be treated this way. The problem with toxic people is that they are usually rigid and rarely change, telling them they are toxic only makes things worse so you cannot do anything about them. That means you have to address yourself and change your own circumstances yourself.

Please don't marry just to escape your family. You could be jumping from the frying pan into the fire!

It's so unfair how women with large breasts get sexualised, whatever culture they're from, being accused of "flaunting" them, when they're just....there.

Your weight doesn’t define you. You are a beautiful person inside, that shines through. And I don’t know what you look like but your looks are just a small part of who you are, you have a kind heart and from your picture you dress beautifully! Please consider moving into a house share with other women. You won’t be able to grow as a person whilst living in this toxic environment. I understand you’ll miss your siblings but you can still see them hopefully? You could lose weight but that won’t make your family treat you with love and respect, if it’s not your weight I suspect they’ll find something else to pick on.

Honestly please get yourself away from this toxic environment. You’re worthy of a life full of happiness, love and respect.

It's easier said than done but I think you need to work on moving out independently.

The reason being, some people who are desperate to leave a toxic home can end up leaping into a toxic marriage in their haste.

You're worth more than that. Move out if you can, work on your independence and be very selective in who you marry.

You're worth so much more than the way you're being treated.

Religion is a red herring here. Your mother is toxic and she's destroying you. There's a "stately homes" thread on here for children of narcissists. Also "necessary family estrangement" on facebook. It's hideously hard to get away from being treated like this, but imagine us behind you boosting you on. You deserve much much better. Whatever it is that she is projecting onto you, you don't deserve it - it's her problem. xxxx

Hi,
I hope that you feel better in this moment in time and that all is well for you now
I just wanted to say that it doesn't necessarily matter what others think of you and this includes your family as well. Unfortunately, I too have been shamed by my family but what helps me and what I think may help you is understanding that you wake up in your world, it is your day and no one can change that but you.So please don't internalize what is being said to you and understand that you are the most important person to you as you are taking care of yourself and you are walking through each day as you.

I wish you the best of luck

Please don’t shed one single further tear for these people - they should love you. Instead they are abusing you. Please try to get away from them and go live a beautiful life without them in it bringing you down.

you seem like a lovely person. You don’t deserve this.