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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Double standards

11 replies

EtoNeYa · 02/08/2023 21:24

BACKGROUND
My OH and I have been together nearly 17 years. It’s my Big Birthday this year at the end of the month and also our eldest DD’s birthday. We’ve planned a short trip away with the kids as the money is right and we’ve got debts as well so trying to be sensible. We’ve agreed as the trip is going to cost £300-500, me and DD are only having one gift each to have something to open on the day. My OH is getting me one gift for £100. He is a higher income earner, I also work full time and contribute to all bills but it’s not 50/50 as I earn less than 30% of his salary. We will be splitting the cost if the trip in the same way. I have been accused on a number of occasions in being materialistic, so it’s a sensitive topic and I want to be a better person, so I need an impartial opinion here.
I was genuinely happy with the gift right up until he told me tonight that there was a game he wanted to buy and “it was only £50”. Somehow the gift he is getting me now feels like “the bare minimum” and like he was prepared to spend on me or make much effort when he is eagerly spending half that on a whim on something else. How would you feel about it and AIBU about the way I feel?

OP posts:
Lemonfanta4 · 02/08/2023 21:27

he sounds like a he’s always been this way
what made you think he’d change?

Lemonfanta4 · 02/08/2023 21:28

I wouldn’t be married to someone so selfish and mean with money, so hard to give an objective answer

C1N1C · 02/08/2023 22:19

Yep, that's materialistic.

So you WERE happy with the gift, then when you found out he could have spent more on you, you were unhappy???

Elon Musk buys me a million pound car, but spends 50 million on getting his porch redone... I must not have meant much to him?

You were clearly ok with the gesture to begin with... is there a statutes of limitations on this? It's £100 on me now, and you're not allowed to spend more than £50 on yourself until three months have passed, otherwise my gift feels cheap?...

Original poster
EtoNeYa · 02/08/2023 22:21

He didn’t use to be like that, but things have changed since kids

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 02/08/2023 22:27

He's got an agenda behind calling you materialistic, it stops you asking for anything. Meanwhile he spends what he wants on himself. Where did the debts come from?

Original poster
EtoNeYa · 03/08/2023 07:40

C1N1C · 02/08/2023 22:19

Yep, that's materialistic.

So you WERE happy with the gift, then when you found out he could have spent more on you, you were unhappy???

Elon Musk buys me a million pound car, but spends 50 million on getting his porch redone... I must not have meant much to him?

You were clearly ok with the gesture to begin with... is there a statutes of limitations on this? It's £100 on me now, and you're not allowed to spend more than £50 on yourself until three months have passed, otherwise my gift feels cheap?...

He ordered my gift not a month ago but yesterday. He said it was what he could afford this month given our situation, so it would have been fine if he really meant it. Later the same day he nearly bought something else for himself for £100 but changed his mind last minute as he realised it was totally unnecessary, then £50 today on the game. So it just seems what he could afford on himself is entirely different to what is the case when it comes to me. He doesn’t bother getting me cards most of the time as he cba to drive out to pick one up or order one online. That has certainly got nothing to do with money just lack of desire to spend any time or effort.

PS I obviously don’t know Elon Musk, but I can only imagine that he probably wouldn’t owe his OH £3k and go on about needing to be careful with spending yet completely ignore his own advice when it comes to spending on himself.

OP posts:
redskytwonight · 03/08/2023 07:46

If you think the issue is he makes no effort, then focus on trying to address this.

Gifts are a red herring. What else he buys from his personal money is also a red herring. I would have thought a single £100 gift was pretty generous.

Original poster
EtoNeYa · 03/08/2023 07:56

redskytwonight · 03/08/2023 07:46

If you think the issue is he makes no effort, then focus on trying to address this.

Gifts are a red herring. What else he buys from his personal money is also a red herring. I would have thought a single £100 gift was pretty generous.

Yes, you are right. I guess the lack of effort is a massive part of why I feel this way. Over the years the effort has dwindled and all but disappeared. He works and I appreciate his job is not easy but he doesn’t do anything else apart from his work. I work and do everything for our family and his extended family and very rarely even get thanks. Is it just what most relationships look like 17 years in? I don’t have anything to compare with as I was raised by a lone parent and don’t know the inner workings of other families.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 03/08/2023 08:01

£100 for a gift does seem quite generous to me and if you’ve got debts then it seems sensible to keep to a budget. The £50 splurge seems silly when he’s got debts, I guess he could have got you something for £150 and no splurge on himself but if you agreed the £100 then you agreed it. He needs to reign in pointless expenditure and focus on clearing debts. Many men CBA I find, I think women do put more effort into cards / gifts etc. My ex will buy my son a new football top for example for his bday but wouldn’t ever buy a card or bother wrapping it. He did grow up in a household of no bday gifts (religion reasons) but I know many men the same so think it’s laziness

BibbleandSqwauk · 03/08/2023 08:28

I think you've chosen a bad example OP because people will jump on you for being grabby but the underlying issue is a genuine one. For a start, a 17 year marriage with such a large disparity in income / available spends is not what I would aspire to. How do you "owe" your husband 3k..you're a marriage, a partnership. Unsurprised to hear you work FT plus doing all the domestic front. Big man with big job facilitated by you picking up all the domestic stuff and default parenting.
Hard to change things at this stage but I'd be asking why he feels it should still be "his" and "yours"...it's not a comfortable position.

Original poster
EtoNeYa · 03/08/2023 10:22

BibbleandSqwauk · 03/08/2023 08:28

I think you've chosen a bad example OP because people will jump on you for being grabby but the underlying issue is a genuine one. For a start, a 17 year marriage with such a large disparity in income / available spends is not what I would aspire to. How do you "owe" your husband 3k..you're a marriage, a partnership. Unsurprised to hear you work FT plus doing all the domestic front. Big man with big job facilitated by you picking up all the domestic stuff and default parenting.
Hard to change things at this stage but I'd be asking why he feels it should still be "his" and "yours"...it's not a comfortable position.

When we got together there was no disparity in income. We shared household costs 50/50. He had an early midlife crisis, went back to Uni to retrain and completely changed his career. I had some great opportunities for progression and an opportunity to get MBA fully paid by my employer just before we had our first kid. I had to pass on that as not only did we have a child but also had to relocate half across the country for his new job. Even though I’ve always worked at least 300hpw from when the kids were 17 months, lack of childcare and zero family support meant that my career didn’t advance at the same pace as his. I accept that this is how things are for women with young children and I have s solid plan and works in motion for getting my earning back on track and matching his within a couple of years. He has changed over the years and it is to be expected as I am not the same either, but I feel there is an element of taking things for granted since he knows I am not going anywhere as we’ve got kids together and I wouldn’t put them through what I’ve been through as a child. BTW we are not married but we own a house together and contribute to the family bills but other than that it’s always been his and mine division. He’s had a bad experience with his previous long term partner and nearly lost his home and I always wanted to be independent and paying my own way in the world.

OP posts:
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