Are 4 year olds meant to be this hard work?

[MBailey99]

My son has been an absolute whirlwind for the past year and a half. He has ridiculously high energy and 5 or 6 people have suggested ADHD. He's loving, and kind, and I adore him, but I'm exhausted. He cried for an hour and a half last night because he wanted to have his own monster truck. Not tantruming but sobbing and needing hugs because he was distraught. He never stops running, cannot sit still for more than 30 seconds, and seems like he barely sleeps but still has tonnes of energy at 8pm. He has a great diet, great routine (bed bath and story same time every night, but wakes up very early). He just has so much energy to the point that people comment on it regularly. And is so sensitive, aka when something doesn't go his way or a project like lego isn't perfect he goes into meltdown mode and says he is rubbish (this is heartbreaking). Is this the same for other 4 year olds or is it not the norm?

My 4 year old isn't like this, can sit still for an hour or so playing and will cry about nothing much for 5 mins or so then get over it.

I'm not sure how much of this is a case of 'all 4 year olds are different' or whether it's a case of something else going on

It’s really hard to say. My five year old certainly had times like this when he was four - and continues to do so! - but he would sit down sometimes and focus on something he enjoyed like a jigsaw or playing trains. He seems to feel things very deeply and isn’t at all happy when he doesn’t get his own way.

Is he in nursery, going into reception? School will give you a sense of how he’s comparing to his peers.

Does he attend pre school or school yet and if so what feedback do you get from the staff?

My 4 year old is definitely very sensitive and emotional - he never really has tantrums but will become incredibly sad about things. He isn't particularly high energy though but is probably unusual compared to his peers. I certainly see a marked difference between him and most of his nursery classmates who are definitely always running around, shouting, etc. So, I think your DC sounds relatively normal based on a spectrum of lots of different types of kids if that makes sense!

It doesn't do any harm to ask your health visitor or GP for a referral.

I wish I had looked into it when my eldest was younger.

It’s hard to say, but it’s known as the FU Fours for a reason.

they are starting to gain a level of maturity and understanding of the world, but are also still very young. It’s incredibly confusing and overwhelming.

Thanks. He's in nursery 5 days a week and they comment on his high energy, but they also are able to run around constantly in nursery and they always comment on how smart he is. So lots of positives. He's very advanced physically and plays sports and has amazing hand eye coordination for his age (can catch a ball with one hand, do wheelies on his bike etc). It's just when he's at home and I don't have the time to constantly be outside with him and entertaining him.

Mine is 100% like that OP. I’ve got ADHD which means he might too though.

My son is very similar to this. He has autism. It can be very hard work at times.

I would say that if he is showing signs of ADHD then approaching your parenting in an ADHD informed way could be a good idea.

He'll either grow out of it, and that'll be great, or his ADHD will become more obvious and you'll have a head start and less "stuff" to undo when you do get to point of diagnosis.

A lot of ADHD strategies are amazing for young kids. Have a look at what his behaviour is telling you- he sounds like he has a need for high proprioceptive input, and that he's struggling with emotional regulation. You can use that to your advantage- find things that he can have in the house to give him feedback (crashing into a pad on a wall, jumping on a half bosu ball, trampoline) and play games/read books about feelings.

There is feck all support out there for ADHD parents, so you have to do the legwork yourself. The good news is that there are some fab communities on Facebook and Reddit that can give you a good place to start.

I've got an ADHD 7F, and a neurotypical 4M. There's a fine line between top range normal and low needs ADHD at their age, unless it's severe IMO.

My immediate answer was yes, at 4 both my kids were hard work and still have their moments at 6 and 8.

My 8 year old is being referred for ADHD, he's very hyper, very moody swingy but such a drama llama.

My 6 year old is generally calmer and less highly strung but when they are together it's absolute chaos and it's always chaos because they are pretty much inseparable.

I definitely see an improvement ton when they were 4 though if that makes you feel any better. Slowly but surely they are maturing, being less dramatic and less unreasonable.

Watch this space for when they are teenagers and it starts all over again.

How much exercise is he getting a day when not in nursery? NHS says at this age they need a minimum of 3 hours a day.

My 4yo is exactly the same op. In fact I could have written your post myself. He does not follow instruction, doesn't sit still unless it's something he is really really interested in. Has a huge interest in science but little else. He has so much energy, constantly playing in a 'pow' 'cannonball' 'jump into a sea of cushion crocodiles' kind of way. He used to be able to watch the majority of a film, now I can't get him to sit still for an episode of something. He literally wriggles all the time, sliding off the sofa, constant talking etc. It's exhausting. And then the moment I give any sort of criticism, no matter how kindly I say it, eg "X, I have asked you lots of times please do not jump on the sofa, you could hurt yourself" he strops off to his bed in a huge sulk. Big emotions. I'm hoping starting school will help and his previous preschool have said he's just ready to learn but I'm 99% sure he has ADHD.
DH has autism, we suspect DD is autistic (however she is 2 and it's difficult to get anyone to listen at this age but we know her stims etc).
I'm trying to help Ds as much as I can but it's so hard and exhausting (I have a chronic fatigue condition myself).
Thanks to the pp who mentioned about reading up of ways to parent a neurodivergent child.
I know that I'm guilty of saying to myself that I need to wait for a diagnosis of ADHD before I do anything when actually it's about approaching the issue as it surfaces instead of awaiting a potential medical diagnosis. Especially as for us, DH and I have said if he does have adhd then we would try not to medicate him if possible.

Tonnes!

My 4 yr old is a lot like this, however he is also very aggressive and violent especially towards me and his older sisters. I sometimes wonder if there is more
going on but equally I know four can be a funny age! They have BIG emotions and still don’t really know how to deal with them. He was 1 during lockdown when I was working from home and trying to teach two KS1 DC so his way of getting attention was to be ‘naughty’. I think that’s put us in a situation where he thrives off negative attention. I’m trying to turn things around with lots of positive praise but not getting anywhere yet!

I assume your DC is starting school in Sep, I would discuss your concerns with them and see what they think once they’ve settled in.

Thanks everyone, and thanks for this. My son isn't aggressive thankfully (he's hit me a couple of times when hes been upset but that's over the course of a year which I think is fairly normal at 4, but correct me someone if not!). I'm going to download some audio books about adhd and how to handle gently

My little boy is 4 and has a lot of energy, he won’t do crafts, drawing etc and doesn’t really play on his own. If I need a break I put the tv on. He doesn’t really loose his temper he’s very chilled. Hope that helps. I think maybe your little one does sound a bit neurodiverse?

He sounds just like my DS10 was at that age. He was diagnosed with ADHD at 8.

The emotional dysregulation is a big part of ADHD that is rarely talked about.

If your DS is starting school in September, things will likely become more apparent. The differences and difficulties neurodiverse children have become more and more obvious alongside their peers in a more formal school environment.

My DS was hard work at 4, I assumed ADHD from very early on, but he's an only child and I was at home with him so our days could be built around his needs. And then things got really difficult for him when he started school.

Like others have said, read up about parenting a child with ADHD. Parenting him as if he has got ADHD will do him no harm if he hasn't. You'll maybe find that you're automatically doing some of things anyway as you'll have developed your own strategies over the last few years.