Friendships once your a mum

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I need opinions. As I’ve grown up I’ve realised that with friendships quality is better than quantity, so I would say I have 4 close friends. One is a mum who I met in the last couple of years but we met when we both lived in another country and I moved back to the uk and she went to Spain! The rest don’t have kids. 2 of these close friends are my oldest fiends from school, we were always a trio and we didnt see each other all the time but still enough. I now live in the same city as one of them and the other is a couple of hours away.

My question here is, what happens with these friendships after kids? I’m the only one with kids right now (we’re all 29 this year). I have 2 DD, one about to turn 3 and the other 5 months old. Since the first I just feel like we’ve drifted. I’ve put in effort suggesting to do things, gone to see them with my car full of kids, invited them places etc. When I got pregnant with DD2 they said they couldn’t wait to throw me a baby shower this time (first pregnancy was lockdown) and then never did, then when my partner threw one and invited them they decided to go into town together rather than hang out after when I invited them back to my place. The one in my city never really pops by apart from once after baby was born recently, I go to see her more. It feels like there’s more effort my end when it’s so much harder for me to leave the house in the first place with two kids. Now I’ve noticed invites have stopped coming and they’re doing things without me, which is also a hard one because the things they invite me to are always things I have to say no to. Nights out, Beyoncé concerts etc all just weeks after having a baby and ebf’ing. Now I don’t expect them to get it, I didn’t before kids, but I’m just feeling like I’m trying to hold onto something that isn’t there anymore. Am I looking too much into this? Anyone else experienced the same?

Way more friends and better friends since a mum. . I'm vvvv grateful to my mum army. I know I'm lucky. I just went to all the playgroup s...tried and talked over time

@londonrach i feel this. I’ve literally had 2 play dates with another nursery mum and her daughter and feel closer to her as a friend than I have with my oldest friends recently. It’s what got me thinking about it all.

Sorry it's seems you have some rubbish friends, saying they would organise a baby shower and then not even attending the one your husband sorted!

My friends who don't have children have faded away, some I see infrequently and it's just like years haven't passed. Others are long gone!

My best friend took some adjusting to my new life as a mum but we clung on despite the stress and upset being caused and we have come out the other side! Turns out she was struggling with infertility and my pregnancy brought her pain she chose not to share! She is since pregnant with DC1 and I am potentially very early stages with DC2, it will be lovely to have her in the mum gang!

I have a few great mum friends but again those relationships took a while to form, the perfect mum facades had to drop and we realised we all parent in a similar style!

I have loved and lost many friendships new and old!
But it's definitely quality over quantity and I don't want people in mine or my DD life who do not try and be there as I would for them!

I’m the friend without kids.

I’ve got two close friends who have 2 children now. I’ll be brutally honestly, I have no interest in their children. I love my friends dearly but we’re at different stages of our lives. I catch up with my friends when we can. But it will be without the kids.

i’m happy for them and would help them if they needed it but I’m really not fussed on the children. I still contact them frequently and meet up with them (no kids) I’ve also just got back off of a girls holiday with one.

might make me a crap friend but it’s who I am…

@jenn88 oh they came! But I’d invited them back to my place for a longer catch up just us and they just told me at the baby shower that they were going to town instead. Which was still pretty shitty and didn’t feel great. But you’ve hit the nail on the head there about being there as I would for them. They’re just not, my mum was talking about how when I was born early she had friends popping round to see if she needed help with anything and walking in to her holding a baby and not a bump anymore and being shocked etc, and it was meant as a funny story and it just made me sad because none of my friends ever did that, not even after baby was born. I suppose I’d never really thought twice about it until you make mum friends and there’s a wonderful woman in my kitchen who I’ve known for 2 months doing my dishes while my kid has a meltdown while I’m mid breastfeeding my baby 😂

@LibbyL92 this is also really refreshing to read. One of said friends of mine doesn’t want kids and she’s fine around mine but probably just isn’t bothered about it. It’s definitely hard being at such different stages of life for sure. Just out of curiosity though, if they kept trying and inviting you to things but kids had to be involved somehow would it push you away? Would you always say no? Not for judgement, more for interest as you might be very similar to one of my friends!

I do want children, but just not yet. I’m not quite there.

I’m reluctant on baby showers as I really don’t agree with them. (I won’t be having one if I were to have kids)

I don’t have to really push anything away as I feel like they already know the answer to that. If they were completely stuck for childcare and it was the only way I’d see them, then of course I’d go, but it’s no fun.

I’ve been invited to their kids parties before and I’ve turned the invite down and sent a gift. I’m 30 and childless I don’t understand why they would want me there.. (it’s not be being rude ect I just can’t concept it)

I do think friendships work both ways and it’s important to be mindful on both ends. Give and take.

i often see the childless friend being bashed for being distant and not caring. But in reality it’s okay to be and feel like that.

I love them dearly, but it really is just that.. I’m just not fussed about the kids, seeing the kids and talking about the kids.

@LibbyL92 I totally see your point, and I don’t mean to bash the childless friends! Your feelings are totally valid, maybe I need to have that conversation with them. They just feel full of empty promises whereas if they outright said they just weren’t bothered about seeing me with the kids then I’d actually prefer that as I’d know where the friendship stands and it would all be easier 😅

My long term best friend doesn’t have children. We are still close, but not as much as we were as we just have less in common these days. She has no interest in my children which is fine, but I struggle to know what else to talk about when they are such a big part of my life.

Ive got a wonderful group of mum friends who all help each other out when we. They are not “bare my soul to” sort of friends, but good for a laugh and helpful to have around.

I’ve recently made a new friend who is really special to me. A local Mum who I just seem to click with and I’m happy to be my complete self with. It’s not without its challenges, but it’s been wonderful to find someone I can connect so well with.

Definitely have a conversation with them. You obviously love them and that in itself is worth the talk.

the transition from being childless to having a child and then friends having kids is a huge dynamic change.

I'm the last in my friendship group to have a kid... so I think my friends are more sumpathic to me.

This just change... my friends kids are older and they more time.. they want to go out, do lunch...etc... but its hard when the kids are very young.

I would be patient... life evolves all the time... just tell them how you feel and be realistic in what kind of socialising you can do with friends and being kids free.

I’m the childfree friend and it can be very hard. I’ve made the effort to go out with friends and their babies/children, meet them where it is more convenient for them and am left feeling like a third wheel or like a spectator while they spend their whole time solely interacting with the child. And when there is a 2 minute break from fussing over the child, the conversation is about the child. It happened to so many friendships now that I now get a bit sad when friends get pregnant because there is a high chance of losing that friendship (but of course I’m also happy for them). Some people also become very self-centered and entitled when they have a little one (not all,of course).