Is it normal for a child to feel less secure with the non-resident parent?

[whydoesithappen]

I'm in my 30's now and wondering this lately. My Mum was the NRP (for reasons to do with her career) and I think I didn't feel as safe and secure with her at some points.

When I was a toddler, we were on holiday and I for a joke she hid where I couldn't see her when I turned to look at something. I panicked and ran back off the street to the holiday home. It was probably only a minute or two, she snapped a few photos of me looking for her, but I remember being so scared.

Another time I remember begging her to stop scaring me at night after a scary film. It was again meant to be a joke but went on a little too far and I can just remember being so scared and feeling far away from my home.

She would have been utterly mortified to know she scared me and was great and supportive in lots of other ways.

I am wondering though if children are generally more sensitives to getting scared like this when spending time with non resident parents? Because there is less security maybe?

Anyone?

Thank goodness you didn’t live full-time with your DM - she was messing with your head. Nasty stuff.

I lived mainly with my DM but got much more love and security at my DFs. He should have really been our main parent.

I don't think it's because she was the nrp, I think it's because she's quite strange and cruel.

Who takes pictures of their kids in distress, like it's some kind of hilarious joke?

Well I don't think she immediately cottoned on to the fact I was distressed, as she was a little distance away hiding. I don't think she realised until she came back to me.

I take the point that it's quite a strange thing to do to a toddler away from home though.

She sounds like she was being really horrible on both of those occasions- it’s no wonder you were scared and didn’t feel safe.

I don’t think it’s because she was the NRP

She was just joking around but unfortunately I ended up getting scared. I don't have kids myself, so don't know if this is unusual.

She doesn't sound like a parent with much empathy for a small child.

Yes in a way it was like she never treated me like a small child she always treated me like I was her equal. It's hard to explain, but I wondered if it was because we didn't live together so the dynamic goes differently.

maybe the dynamics are different because she wasn’t very maternal and therefore it didn’t feel as safe as you other parent. Hiding from you sounds like a nasty thing to do to a child.

Your mother was messing with your head.,

That’s very weird - any idiot knows a two year old gets frightened if they can’t find their care giver.

Nothing to do with you not living together.

That's really fucking cruel. I would never do that with my kids.

What she did wasn't okay on any level.

Sounds like maybe she didn't live with because she wasn't a great person to be caring for a small child?

She sounds like a bit of a rubbish mum, tbh.

Growing up my Dad was my preferred parent right up until my parents split and he became the NRP.

From that stage onwards, his love felt more fragile to me - like it could be withdrawn at any moment if I wasn't good enough. I never felt like that about my mum who I remained at home with.

I have no idea if that was related to the split or if my Dad is just the kind of person who makes everyone feel like his love is conditional (I think some would describe him as such).

She wasn't a rubbish mum, I think quite immature in a few ways in terms of what children need though and didn't understand.

She was a great mum in lots of other ways, very encouraging and supportive in who I was as a person. Always interested in what I had to say and taught me a lot about the world. Made me believe I was intelligent and strong and had something to offer. Misplaced beliefs but she honestly did think I was

I think I drove her nuts with my neediness at times as we were just very different people.