My relationship with my DM has been going from bad to worse over the past few years.
We used to be extremely close. Things have changed over the past couple of years, various ongoing issues which run very deep and constant arguments. Too much detail for now.
The past fortnight things have escalated from trivial / petty arguments into her now gaslighting me. To give some context…
So she dotes on my children. That’s currently the only thread that keeps any contact between us. She has them a few days per week. I would very (very!) happily put them into after school clubs (term time) and extra nursery / childminder days etc, but whenever I have done that (i.e when things have been bad between us the last couple of years) she argues that I am manipulating her with the kids, not letting her see them. So whilst I am of course grateful of the help- it doesn’t come without strings and the easier option would absolutely be to go NC but that always backfires against me! My DH says just to appease and let her have the kids, that I should not escalate matters and I do myself no favours by not letting her have the kids on “her” days.
So now three examples of her gaslighting in the last fortnight.
1. For years she has said that my DH should do more to help me. I work long hours in a demanding job and take care of all child related schedules. I do most pick ups and drops during the week other than the 2 days where I am in the office, so my DH will do half of the drops during those two days, with DM doing the rest. Even then for those two days, she has previously made a thing of how DH even gets it easy during the days I’m away as she does half of it. In the last week (in response to a different discussion we were having about schedules) she texted to say that my husband has finally put his foot down with me, that he does the majority of child related pick ups and drop offs and that he has only recently started “making [me] do more”. This is a complete, complete u-turn. Only in March when we were away for (an unbearable) “family” weekend she was telling me to employ some help at home as I need support. This is absolutely toxic and she knows how much I push myself at work and with the kids, she knows this kind of comment would hurt.
2. She lives an hour from my kids. My DS has started to complain in recent months about the journey travelling over there, but still absolutely wants to go there and gets very excited about being there. She has started to say that she doesn’t want DS to be “forced” to go there and that I am brainwashing them. I said today that my DS would never in a million years not want to go there but yes he has started to whinge about the journey, which is understandable!
3. So now the biggest one. My previous two maternity leaves over the past 4 years, she did not do one single social thing with me during my time off. Don’t get me wrong, the relationship was falling apart so neither of us clearly wanted to spend any time together but there was not one mother/daughter lunch/day out which is so sad considering how we used to be so close, weekends away together, spa days etc. Sure, she has looked after my older kids whilst I was on mat leave (for her “usual”’days- as above- and largely because she wants to) but not once did we have a day out. My SIL is pregnant. She has text me to say that she and my SIL will be planning frequent days out whilst she is on maternity leave and that my DM intends to take my DC along to those days out when they fall on days she has them. I replied saying that she wouldn’t be taking my DC on jolly days out with my SIL, that my (young) DD already thinks the whole situation is odd that her granny does nothing with her own daughter; and that if she wanted to go for days out with my SIL and her child then for her to let me know and I’ll put my DC in clubs/nursery that day. I feel as though she’s using my DC for lovely fun child days out with SIL when she offered absolutely no support or days out with me during my two mat leaves. I totally admit that this cuts deep, is hurtful and I feel sad and lonely about it. She’s my Mum, after all! I only have to see a post on social media these days of friends with their mums having lunch, theatre trips etc and I get totally choked up and immediately have to try to compartmentalise it in my mind.
I really cannot bear to talk to her. She has taken things to an absolute next level in terms of the most recent mind games. My DD has her birthday party next week. I cannot bear to invite her over to our house, but not doing so would again just escalate matters.
AIBU to feel so low about this. How do I deal with the situation. She is (or has become) a very cold / stony faced woman and so going over to chat just won’t wash. She doesnt soften. When I tried to give her a big hug and a “let’s stop this” kind of embrace at Christmas a couple of years ago it felt awkward and cold, she didn’t soften, no tears, just a weird hug with very little in return.
Aibu to just cut her (and her care of my DC) out completely? I always feel as though I would regret that if anything were to happen to her, but I can simply no longer bear the above. It’s pure toxicity and I need to manage it for my own mental health. I am waking in the night with the sheets soaked through (presumably because of stress/worry about the situation). I feel numb all the time. Nothing gets me excited, sad, happy. I feel as though every emotional fibre of my body has been burnt.
Advice please gratefully received.