To tell you single parenting is ok, at least some days?

[TheLetterFromHere]

DD is 9, been apart from her dad since she was 2. He was violent towards both of us but he has court ordered contact every other weekend for 1 night.

DD has mild SN (And by mild I mean compared to some she’s mild, is in a mainstream school and is making good for her amounts of progress with some adjustments) and for years all I’ve had is “I love you but I love dad more” “I love living here but dads house is fun I want to live there” everything was dad this dad that, she’d even confuse memories of things we’d done together with things she’d done with her dad – despite him never taking her anywhere other than mcdonalds drive thru. Everything literally was “I did this with dad” “I love my dad” even when she fell over when out together she’d cry and say she wants to call her dad – he never answered, not once, but each time she’d try and try again and still does now. Dads the best cook, dads the best driver, dads got a very important job that means he can never take time off work to be there for me when I do concerts/sports days etc. It is gut wrenching at times to know I'm not the parent she wants but I'm the only one there, I've always risen above it, gave her a hug when she falls over and done a magic kiss to make the pain go away from the bruise or graze. I'd carry her when she couldn't walk. I'd still tuck her in every night and say I love you, she'd always say "I love dad more" I completely ignored it and just said "That's ok".

Today I picked DD up from holiday club and the lady in charge called me over and asked for a word. Now usually that means DDs made a mean comment not realising it was bad, or she’s fallen over and now got a massive graze or bruise somewhere.

Not today though.

She hands me a piece of paper and says that DD had chosen herself to write this with support from the leaders for spelling. The gist of it was

“To mum, I love you a lot. I know I don’t say it but I really do. Thank you for paying for my fun clubs. I made lots of new friends and Kerry* (one of the leaders) is really funny. I will be smiling and having fun all day. I love you. Love DD”

It’s not only the longest thing she’s ever written but it’s so nice to be validated for a change.

I’m sure tomorrow she’ll be back to wishing I was dad, but for tonight I’ll take the win.

*Not real name

That's lovely!! It is heartbreaking, though, to read about your DD idealizing her dad. I hope it doesn't have a negative effect on her emotionally. It sounds like she puts him on a pedestal because he is not around. Very often, kids take the resident parent for granted, but I'm sure she knows, deep down, how much you love and care for her. I would be saving that beautiful note in a safe place!

@AnotherDayOfSun She does idolise him and it's heartbreaking for me honestly, I've had to have counselling myself to come to terms with it. DDs had counselling to but she basically refuses to process her dad and her position in his life. It's so hard. She has processing issues with her SN though so no surprise really.

As expected today we#re back to wishing I was her dad, oh well it was nice while it lasted

I get it. Not quite the same but I managed to save up & take my girls abroad for the first time when they were about 7&11. While there they kept talking about the time their dad took them to Alton towers for the day 🤷‍♀️
They are 20 & 17 now. They know the reality now. Turns out that was the only 'holiday' he ever took them on 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I feel like kids always push boundaries with the parents they feel secure with. In a confusing way, this is probably a way of just testing that you will love her whatever. Sounds like you’re doing an amazing job.

Awww just wanted to say you sound like a great mum and I agree with other PPs re she knows you love her so much and knows you'll always be there.

Maybe it's her way of coping/dealing with the fact that her dad isn't around as much as you. Hard on the parent who's always there and knows the reality though 🫂