Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Marriage? Lost my sanity?

20 replies

MrsWalterWhite · 01/08/2023 19:41

I feel like I am going mad and feel
so low. I’m not sure if I’m dramatic, soft or making big deals out of things like I have been told.

Have just separated from Husband. I have a DC who he was step father too. Things kept coming up for a while.

Anger - which he blamed on his upbringing. Blowing up over the smallest things at me and DC.

Finances - had joint account but quizzed me over transactions when I work also.

Threatened to smash DC’s phone as ‘he’ pays for it when DC didn’t tidy room. Wouldn’t stop going in room even when I said don’t because it enrages him, he said he pays the bills, if DC is not in, will check if it’s clean or not.

Tried to give me a small budget for DC’s Christmas the other year. No discussion, he told me.

My stepchild (his child) birthday soon. He told him we would only be giving him £20 as SC is older. I said no we will give you a bit more or get you a present as well. Got told off saying “this is why the kids are like they are because you spoil them” not sure what “like they are” means as they are not perfect but they are not the worst either. Then got told I wasn’t “deciding” what they get.

Asked him as he was finished work at 2.30pm to put the oven on at around 4.30pm as I was doing roast chicken after work. Got in at 5pm, oven on but no chicken in. Said I thought you would have put the chicken in his response, “don’t talk to me about doing stuff around the house when my DC hadn’t washed up that day”.

Asked him when my Nan was dying in hospital to come, not necessarily to come in, (I work in that field and know some people can’t face that) but to wait in the waiting area for support. He started shouting at me that he carried a family members coffin when he was younger so I went alone.

Got upset one birthday as I always try and make a fuss of him and the kids even though they are older, even if it’s a Colin the caterpillar cake. I got a candle. He started shouting I didn’t think you would want a cake you’re on a diet, I will go and get you a f@*ck!n cake now then!! Told him not to bother.

Shouted at my DC once cos they pulled a face once and said who are you looking at like that????

I go the gym after work as we have a gym on site at work. Bearing in mind I dont do anything for myself so half an hour in the gym after work was a bit of self care and it’s free May I add. He had been working until 2.30pm this particular day so when I got home at 5.30pm, I asked him if he had started anything for tea, he hadn’t. I got a lecture saying it’s okay when you can just f@*k off to the gym after work and you’ve always got that car (we care share but he wouldn’t get a second run around for me to get to work cos it costs money)
The day after this, I got up in the morning to go to work and he had taken the car as it is in his name, I had no car and had to get a taxi to work.

Since this I have asked him to leave the house and I have bought myself a small run around car so I can get to work and my food shopping and took half the money out of our joint account.

It’s just me and my teenage DC at home now but I feel absolutely mental. I am questioning as to whether I have gone overboard or is this normal or am I just soft and take everything to heart. It’s like I am struggling to think straight. I am questioning my own bloody sanity.

Apparently I am nothing without him and in six months I will be nothing Sad

Thanks for reading .

OP posts:
Marwoodsbigbreak · 01/08/2023 20:20

Oh love. The only thing you have done “wrong “ is tolerating this shit for so many years. He’s trying to scare you and undermine you because he’s lost his skivvy and emotional punchbag.

Even worse, it’s not just you he’s been abusing, it’s your poor DS too. You owe it to the both of you to stay away from this horrible excuse for a man, and carve out a love peaceful new life for yourselves. You will be so much happier, you won’t recognise yourselves.

Did you own the home? Are there financial matters to resolve? I would see a solicitor and get the ball rolling for a divorce. 💐

LakieLady · 01/08/2023 20:27

You're not mental at all, OP, but being undermined by an abusive piece of shit for all those is certain to make you doubt yourself. He's been gaslighting you and grinding you down for years.

I don't know if something like the Freedom Programme might help you, but hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be along shortly to advise. I hope he hasn't managed to alienate you from friends and family, and that you have some support IRL. And counselling would certainly help you, if you can afford it.

You're doing absolutely the right thing in ridding yourself of this vile man, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Pat yourself on the back for taking the first step, and I'm sure you'll find the strength to move on from this. 💐

Missingmyusername · 01/08/2023 20:34

“Apparently I am nothing without him and in six months I will be nothing “ Think he talking about himself there. You’ve scared him. Well done👏🏻for breaking me of that arsehole.
He is a financially abusive, emotionally abusive, selfish, narcissistic, horrible little man.

You are strong, you may feel some fear going it alone and that’s understandable with that nasty little weasel chipping away at you. You are free.

If you think you may need support, try women’s aid they can assist you.

MrsWalterWhite · 01/08/2023 20:35

Missingmyusername · 01/08/2023 20:34

“Apparently I am nothing without him and in six months I will be nothing “ Think he talking about himself there. You’ve scared him. Well done👏🏻for breaking me of that arsehole.
He is a financially abusive, emotionally abusive, selfish, narcissistic, horrible little man.

You are strong, you may feel some fear going it alone and that’s understandable with that nasty little weasel chipping away at you. You are free.

If you think you may need support, try women’s aid they can assist you.

This is the thing. I haven't even realised its abuse! Is it? I am questioning everything, he says I'm too soft

OP posts:
MrsWalterWhite · 01/08/2023 20:37

LakieLady · 01/08/2023 20:27

You're not mental at all, OP, but being undermined by an abusive piece of shit for all those is certain to make you doubt yourself. He's been gaslighting you and grinding you down for years.

I don't know if something like the Freedom Programme might help you, but hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be along shortly to advise. I hope he hasn't managed to alienate you from friends and family, and that you have some support IRL. And counselling would certainly help you, if you can afford it.

You're doing absolutely the right thing in ridding yourself of this vile man, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Pat yourself on the back for taking the first step, and I'm sure you'll find the strength to move on from this. 💐

I'm questioning myself. I feel insane. How haven't I even noticed? I knew he would blow up over the slightest things but when I've sat and typed out some things I'm thinking is this normal? Does everyone live like this?

OP posts:
bluejelly · 01/08/2023 20:37

You are not too soft. You sound like a brilliant mum and overall human. He sounds uptight, selfish, angry. You are well rid!

seafronty · 01/08/2023 20:38

He's a twat and you've won. He's out the door. All is good. The sun will come up tomorrow.

category12 · 01/08/2023 20:39

He sounds a nasty bullying bastard.

Olika · 01/08/2023 20:50

Well done for separating. Don't get back with him. He is treating you horrible.

MrsWalterWhite · 01/08/2023 20:53

So I take it no one else's husband is angry like this? Or confiscates a car or threatens to smash a childs phone?

Its my fault apparently I'm soft and dont discipline enough.

He blames it on his upbringing, but my response to that is, if it was so bad, why would you to treat your own family like that.

OP posts:
Missingmyusername · 01/08/2023 20:53

@MrsWalterWhite Yes it is abuse. They are cunning, they work at it, chipping away very slowly, isolating you (sometimes) until you think you are the problem, you aren’t right in the head, it’s your fault, you’re too sensitive etc.

No it’s not normal and no you shouldn’t have to live like this.
I take it things haven’t turned physical yet? Is that why it doesn’t feel like abuse to you…

He may have anger issues, not your problem to solve you aren’t his punch bag (physical or otherwise). He was vile to your children, vile to you.

category12 · 01/08/2023 20:55

Oh, other people's abusive husbands are angry like this.

But decent husbands and fathers are not.

Missingmyusername · 01/08/2023 20:55

MrsWalterWhite · 01/08/2023 20:53

So I take it no one else's husband is angry like this? Or confiscates a car or threatens to smash a childs phone?

Its my fault apparently I'm soft and dont discipline enough.

He blames it on his upbringing, but my response to that is, if it was so bad, why would you to treat your own family like that.

Of course some women face this too- still abuse. Some stay, they hide it, suffer.

You have broken free 💐

MrsWalterWhite · 01/08/2023 20:56

Missingmyusername · 01/08/2023 20:53

@MrsWalterWhite Yes it is abuse. They are cunning, they work at it, chipping away very slowly, isolating you (sometimes) until you think you are the problem, you aren’t right in the head, it’s your fault, you’re too sensitive etc.

No it’s not normal and no you shouldn’t have to live like this.
I take it things haven’t turned physical yet? Is that why it doesn’t feel like abuse to you…

He may have anger issues, not your problem to solve you aren’t his punch bag (physical or otherwise). He was vile to your children, vile to you.

No nothing was ever physical. But my relationship when I was younger with my DC father was physical and my Husband knows all about that. He knows what I have been through when I was younger.

OP posts:
Cakecakecheese · 01/08/2023 20:58

It's not 'soft' to want someone who will treat you and your child decently and respectfully.

Pixiedust1234 · 01/08/2023 21:03

So I take it no one else's husband is angry like this?

Yes mine is whenever I disagree with anything he has decided, even minor things like a TV programme. Been told by various agencies he is abusive and I need to leave. Trying to figure out how.

Do not let him come back. Enjoy the peace.

category12 · 01/08/2023 21:07

There used to be a thread in relationships called "listen up" that talked about not accepting a level 7 abusive bastard because he seems better in comparison than a previous level 10 abusive bastard. Or something like that.

What you had there is a verbally and emotionally abusive bastard.

There are men out there that are not any level of abusive bastard. And in the meantime, being on your own and doing right by yourself and your kids is far better than accepting some bloke's bullshit.

Missingmyusername · 01/08/2023 21:18

What @category12 said. Just because he hasn’t hit you doesn’t make it any less abusive.

If you feel your resolve slipping or are in doubt, speak to a professional they will have much more experience and resources etc.

Would you treat a friend the way he treats you? That’s what I asked a friend in a similar position and she replied “god no.” Why put up with it from anyone…

His anger levels alone must mean you tread on eggshells. Your children probably do, always wondering when he’s going to blow. It’s not normal to live that way. It’s not a happy existence. Life is too short.

GoodnightJude1 · 01/08/2023 21:21

OP, you’re not mental. You’ve done the right thing for you and your DC.

And you will be EVERYTHING without him. 💐

itsmylife7 · 01/08/2023 21:27

What an amazingly strong Woman you are OP.

No it's not a normal relationship and he's talking bollocks.

Enjoy your new stress free life.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread