Is this fair division of household?

[Pammela2]

I’m a teacher, so I’m currently on summer holidays. I usually work part time- 3 days. I do usually tutor about 2 people a week during term time too.

Husband is compressed hours so technically doesn’t work a Friday. However, his work is far more flexible. He goes to the office 2 days a week and other 2 at home, although he sometimes wfh more of it suits. When at home, I see his work obviously and it’s not very intense- he can go for runs at lunch, sometimes watches YouTube videos and even has a wee game going on the PC. I obviously can do nothing like this when I’m at work, it’s non stop.

We have 2 kids- one is primary 2, the other nursery age. He does pick ups on 3 days he’s at home for school child. I do them on my days and I do all the nursery ones apart from a Friday where he collects her at 1pm (I get home at 3pm on a fri though).

We seem to have a big issue with division of household chores. He basically thinks that; especially during the holidays, he should be almost nothing. That includes picking up his own plates for the dishwasher etc.

We have had a row because there was only 2 forks and he’s basically called me lazy and said I want a “stay at home lifestyle with none of the labour.”
I do all of the shopping, cooking, organising of kids and their activities, pick up after the kids, most bedtimes, dishwasher, tidying up after meals etc. We have a cleaner who comes once a week.

He thinks I spend my time meeting up with friends (play dates) and should do more around the house which basically means also picking up his stuff and I’ve just said I’m unwilling to do this- he doesn’t appreciate what I do do.

Ami I unreasonable to say this?

YANBU, I don't think. I'd counter his (lame) argument that HE wants a SAHM (actually skivvy) while benefitting from your wages. He can't have it both ways. But even if you were a SAHM, it doesn't give him the right to treat you like an unpaid servant who does 100% of tasks including for the other bloody adult and parent. Who made him lord of the manor?

Questions: what happens when he takes annual leave? Does HE do all the cleaning, cooking etc while simultaneously ensuring his children are entertained and well-cared for? Other question - how often does he have the children all by himself for an extended period, and if he ever does, what does he do with them? Do you have to sort food, make the plans?

The long summer holidays create so much extra work with younger children; so much more mess, meals, endless toys out to be tidied, the children can be out of sorts due to change in routine and need so much of your physical and mental energy if you want to be switched on and engaged with them. And funny how some men think play dates with other parents are some sort of jolly for the mums but aren't so keen to do a dad version themselves.

TBH, this level of disregard and arrogance would kill the relationship for me. Contempt has set it, it feels.

Thanks for the reply: I do feel like there’s hubris at play here. He’s got an idea of his ‘big shot’ career and loves to exaggerate how frantic he is to friends.. he certainly isn’t one to play himself down.

If he has the kids, I purposefully don’t leave plans etc. he usually manages. He often has the house in an anxious state if it’s just a day or if I’ve had parents eve. When I’ve been away he almost makes a point of cleaning up big time and saying how good they’ve been when usually they’ve gone somewhere fun and he’s taken them out for all of their meals..so of course they have.

We don’t have the same level of ambition, it’s just not in me and he finds that odd and can’t reconcile it.

He will let me sleep in a bit if we’ve been out or something but he doesn’t drink, so even has a judgemental undertone there.

I absolutely feel like he takes me for granted. I’m smart, funny and I take care of myself. His family comment how lucky he is to have married me to ‘turn him into the man he is’ and I do think there’s an element of defensive there. He’s always trying to point out any flaws in people rather than parotitides and can’t help but be judgemental. But he could never admit it.

I tried to find a resolution and discuss why I thought it was reasonable for him to pick up his own shit but he’s unable to hear and even when I offer a solution to something he is dismissive. It’s infuriating. But I refuse to budge on it to be honest. If I do I feel like I’m degrading myself.

Positives, not parodites

I’m a sahm and I wouldn’t put up with him expecting you to put carry his plate the dishwasher. In fact I wouldn’t put up with my 7 and just turned 4 year old behaving like that.

I would say it’s fair for you to continue as normal during the holidays but for you to pick some projects like sorting out the old uniform and buying the new, bulking buying cards for the year, decluttering the kids rooms, sorting the freezer and 4 week meal plans. Things you have mental and physical space for which make life easier. Nothing huge like redecorating the house but stuff you can do in 30 mins chucks. Of course if you kids are tiny then just ignore that.

I think you're both being unreasonable and need to both sit down like adults and think about why you have such differing expectations of each other and where the resentment has grown from.
If you're not going to pull your weight financially (and actively denigrate him for wishing you would come up to his earning level) then yes I do think you should be supporting the household in other ways.

But he absolutely ought to be taking his plates out and putting them in the dishwasher himself, FFS that's just lazy.

He’s just come back from the gym and apologised for what he said- he said it was unjust.
But I still think we need to work on being a team. I do all the uniform, meal planning, decluttering etc already. Organised all drop offs for summer camps and nurseries.

@BiscuitsandPuffin i don’t think I do actively denigrate him for earning more? I’ve never said anything about him seeming like he isn’t working hard etc. (I have whinged here, but would never to his face) but he basically compares our jobs and thinks because he earns more and does an extra day, that his is harder and takes precedence. When I see his workload and the difference in what he has to complete in a time frame, and in mine is wild. And I feel put down because i don’t want a promotion and we both agreed I should go pt- I said when we discussed this that it should never be weaponised.

But, we’re here now. He literally wants me to pick his dirty clothes up and move them before the cleaner comes etc and I just refuse to. Like you say, kids can even manage that.

I think he’s stressed with rise and prices of this gas and our mortgage Rate ends In 18m- he is a catastrophiser..but I don’t want to feel belittled because he is stressed either- I need better communication! (According to our figures we have 1500 disposable after savings,cleaner etc so I actually think we’ll be fine)

If you're not going to pull your weight financially (and actively denigrate him for wishing you would come up to his earning level) then yes I do think you should be supporting the household in other ways.

Who earns what is irrelevant if you are working as part of a team. Time is a much more important consideration and it seems that OP is doing the lion's share even during term time. It might be reasonable to think she should pick up more of the slack during the summer holidays but if anyone thought that their higher earning meant I should pick up after them I'd tell them to fuck off. Even if he was earning millions and OP was a lady of leisure that would be no excuse for treating her as his personal slave, he's a fully grown adult who needs to learn to show some basic respect.

He literally wants me to pick his dirty clothes up and move them before the cleaner comes etc and I just refuse to. Like you say, kids can even manage that.

Good for you, stick to your guns, you're not his mum and he's not 3 years old.