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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my nephew shouldn't see his dad

3 replies

Skywalker2018 · 01/08/2023 17:09

My brother in law (husband's brother) has had a coke addiction for the last decade. Last year he admitted it to us but failed to get help. He is a complete narcissist and even without the drugs, is an aggressive bully. He lies a lot and basically told us he was absolutely fine now. He's borrowed (and stolen!) lots of money from his elderly mum. We have little to do with him now though initially we were supportive of him getting help. We kinda gave up.

His ex (my nephew's mum) we speak to regularly and is a lovely, lovely person. However, she is so scared of my brother in law she allows my nephew, aged 13 to see him. It's a weird situation where she wants him to be a good dad so much that she almost views his parenting through rose tinted spectacles. For example, she ignores him letting my nephew stay up all night watching inappropriate films making him late for school because he took him to a football match at the weekend. Recently though, she has admitted that his behaviour has been more aggressive (he got into a fight whilst my nephew was there) she also worrys that he drives whilst high. There are lots of other safeguarding issues and I worry where it will all end. I've said we will support her if she wants to get a court order in place for restricted access- though I don't know if she can do this? She acts like she is powerless.

The other problem is the rest of the family dont really want to know- including his mum and even my husband to an extent.

Any advice? Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:
princesslouloubananahammock · 01/08/2023 17:20

I have a not to dis similar situation with my Niece and brother.

One niece wants nothing to do with him, the other still does and the mum allows and my mum supervises.
I think under supervision, he can still inflict harm... but legally my opinion means nothing!

I discussed it with my dad who used to work with vulnerable children and his point was that it's the child right to have a parental relationship and if they request it we should respect that..... my argument is children don't always understand what's good for them and it's our job to protect them even from a parent.

It's horrible to sit and watch it from the outside and all you can do is try and be there for the ultimate full out.

Skywalker2018 · 01/08/2023 17:26

princesslouloubananahammock · 01/08/2023 17:20

I have a not to dis similar situation with my Niece and brother.

One niece wants nothing to do with him, the other still does and the mum allows and my mum supervises.
I think under supervision, he can still inflict harm... but legally my opinion means nothing!

I discussed it with my dad who used to work with vulnerable children and his point was that it's the child right to have a parental relationship and if they request it we should respect that..... my argument is children don't always understand what's good for them and it's our job to protect them even from a parent.

It's horrible to sit and watch it from the outside and all you can do is try and be there for the ultimate full out.

Thanks for responding. I'm sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. Its awful isn't it. I feel so helpless! I dread to think the emotional damage that has been done to my nephew by my brother in law- last weekend he told him he often felt suicidal when my nephew didn't come stay. How messed up is that?! So I think even if my nephew wanted to stop seeing his dad, he couldn't admit it because of the emotional blackmailing that's going on. That's why I think the adults need to step in but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

OP posts:
ecuse · 01/08/2023 18:02

Can I caveat this by saying I am absolutely not any sort of expert and professional. But if someone comes along that knows more than me...listen to them not me!

I have done a bit of safeguarding training for some volunteering and it was drummed into us that child safeguarding is everyone's responsibility.

On that basis if you have good reason to think the child is unsafe I think you should report it to SS. For me I think if I just disapproved (staying up late watching movies) I'd keep it to myself but if I was worried a child was unsafe (being drived in a car by someone high on drugs) I would feel I had to report it, irrespective of whether the mother or the son wanted to maintain the relationship...on the assumption that SS better placed to make the judgement than me about what is the right balance of their wishes and your nephew's safety.

Also the Mumsnet boards seem to be full of women desperately not wanting abusive/addicted exes to have access to their kids but court orders contact. It sounds like your ex-SIL may not (yet) be in this camp? But if she ever were, I wonder whether having a third party already having reported concerns might help her build a case to keep her son safe from his dad (supervised contact etc).

Good luck though. What a horrible situation, and your poor nephew.

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