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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me get out of my funk

3 replies

Herewegoagain2023 · 01/08/2023 14:06

Named changed because I've posted a few times before. Just feeling meh, fed up, unmotivated, uninspired and like I'm going round and round in circles with the same things over and over again and never getting anywhere.

I've tried counselling, CBT, I journal, I meditate. And I still can't seem to find peace, happiness or motivation. Most of what is missing is the motivation. I feel like once I find my motivation, I'll find peace because I'll be productive again and feel like I'm making a positive impact in the world again.

I've called a local mental health charity to ask about talking support groups. I can't find anything you can just rock up to, in my area, so hopefully they'll find me something.

I'm at home all day with a four year old who is being assessed for autism atm. I had to take her out of nursery because they were making things worse.

The main problem is I just feel bleurgh in my area. I don't feel like I connect with anyone and there's nothing to do and I'm uninspired by anything that might get me out and about more. I have Fibromyalgia so going out is actually painful and doesn't feel worth it unless it's for something really relaxing, interesting. I occassionally take my child to the cinema and I like that but obviously that's an expensive hobby. I take her to groups, soft play, playdates etc when I'm not in pain, but I'm always so bored. I try and do hobbies when she's asleep to give me some joy but I always feel so drained I just fall asleep. I could decorate, and keep the house a lot cleaner which may perk me up a bit but I just can't be arsed because I'm so bored by life. I think it's the area. I lived here for quite a long time and then went travelling and came back to the same old place where nothing has progressed and none of my old friends or family had moved forward or progressed in their life whatsoever. İn fact, some of them had just gone downhill and gotten into more toxic situations. I didn't grow up here but all my family are from here so it's where I've always spent my adult life apart from when I went travelling. I try and make new friends but everyone is in couples so I don't relate to them, and my old single friends, like I said haven't moved on and just do toxic things, or if they have moved on, they've moved abroad living a good life. İf i meet single parents, there's always so much drama surrounding them and I'm not interested in all of that. I've done well, in securing a council house and stability and normality for me and my child, despite the hurdles and becoming a single mum abroad and no family to rely on. I've done so much self development courses abroad and learned a lot, I tried making a small business to help people with techniques for mindset and healing old trauma but ironically, I know have no motivation for that either, since coming back here. I feel like I've just gone backwards and back in time and there's no way out. I can't think of any new career I feel excited and motivated by, and to be honest just want my old life of being able to be outdoors in a warm place and connect with other people, who are with or without children, in a community setting, without it feeling forced. When you're in a warm place you can just go to a local park and people will be playing sport or doing music or yoga and you can socialise every evening and join in. But I don't find that here. The local park is empty by 4pm and people just make small talk. I feel like I should move somewhere with more life and maybe less mental ties to so many toxic people from the past, but maybe I'll always feel this way, and also I dont have the motivation or can see the way out to move, with private rental costs here as they are. House swap would limit my choices of where I could go. I could potentially get a European (EU) country passport because of grandparent ancestry but getting the relative to part with their documents so I can send them to the relevant embassy might not happen during their lifetime. So also, maybe it's just Brexit making it hard to get motivated also, after the old ability of being able to move somewhere with more life.

Anyway, I know if I buckle down and try to work on my motivation, maybe I could be happy with this totally different way of living- lonely evenings indoors, just me and child kinda thing- no where to just spontaneously go to, to hang out with others. I'm trying to let go of my old life and not compare it to today, but it's not easy.

Please be kind, I'm just being honest about how I feel inside.

OP posts:
Herewegoagain2023 · 01/08/2023 14:30

Should add, for context, I've also done a couple of short term jobs, since my child was a baby, so I've had enough money for days out and the odd really cheap off peak toddler holiday, so we haven't exactly been deprived. But my savings from those jobs is coming to a trickle now and it's time to think of something new to do, for when she starts school and this is where I get the most stuck in my head. Maybe because those jobs didn't amount to anything long term or change my true circumstances, I also lose motivation.

OP posts:
Dramatico · 01/08/2023 14:48

Hey there OP,

My personal experience has been that when I have gotten into a prolonged rut, focussing outwards on others has helped me a lot. Because otherwise I tend to get into my head too much.

You mentioned that you started a small business to help people with techniques for mindset and healing trauma. So, you obviously have excellent people skills and it would be a shame to let those skills go to waste. Have you considered joining a volunteering group to buddy up with elderly people or those who are otherwise somewhat socially excluded? I did that for a while and it really helped me. I buddied with elderly single people at a community centre, but now I understand it can also be done online, which might be more helpful for you in terms of childcare and your fibromyalgia?

Wishing you all the best :-)

Herewegoagain2023 · 01/08/2023 17:19

Thanks @Dramatico . That's definitely given me food for thought.
At the moment I couldn't take my child anywhere to do elderly person support as they wouldn't last five minutes in that kind of environment and I'm trying to get myself away from the screen as much as possible. We barely visit my grandma as it's too stressful for my daughter whilst I sit and talk. I couldn't do shopping for anyone as I don't drive. I have done some listening volunteering online before so I do know that it helps, so maybe there's something else I can do to volunteer which works with having a child. I did try helping some parent acquaintances out who were in bad situations, but it just drained me, as they became overly dependent and won't do anything to help themselves. I find it quite soul destroying to try and help people who won't make the effort to change, but maybe I can donate some of our clutter to someone who needs it.
I've just had a call to say I'm on a ten week waiting list to get a ten week long mental health support worker, so that's a start, I guess.
İ get frustrated that I can't do more for others, like the homeless, because of my parenting responsibilities and I guess it stops me from doing the jobs I need to do like decorating and working in a career, because I think of all the people who have a lot less and that I'm not making a difference any more.

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