Named changed because I've posted a few times before. Just feeling meh, fed up, unmotivated, uninspired and like I'm going round and round in circles with the same things over and over again and never getting anywhere.
I've tried counselling, CBT, I journal, I meditate. And I still can't seem to find peace, happiness or motivation. Most of what is missing is the motivation. I feel like once I find my motivation, I'll find peace because I'll be productive again and feel like I'm making a positive impact in the world again.
I've called a local mental health charity to ask about talking support groups. I can't find anything you can just rock up to, in my area, so hopefully they'll find me something.
I'm at home all day with a four year old who is being assessed for autism atm. I had to take her out of nursery because they were making things worse.
The main problem is I just feel bleurgh in my area. I don't feel like I connect with anyone and there's nothing to do and I'm uninspired by anything that might get me out and about more. I have Fibromyalgia so going out is actually painful and doesn't feel worth it unless it's for something really relaxing, interesting. I occassionally take my child to the cinema and I like that but obviously that's an expensive hobby. I take her to groups, soft play, playdates etc when I'm not in pain, but I'm always so bored. I try and do hobbies when she's asleep to give me some joy but I always feel so drained I just fall asleep. I could decorate, and keep the house a lot cleaner which may perk me up a bit but I just can't be arsed because I'm so bored by life. I think it's the area. I lived here for quite a long time and then went travelling and came back to the same old place where nothing has progressed and none of my old friends or family had moved forward or progressed in their life whatsoever. İn fact, some of them had just gone downhill and gotten into more toxic situations. I didn't grow up here but all my family are from here so it's where I've always spent my adult life apart from when I went travelling. I try and make new friends but everyone is in couples so I don't relate to them, and my old single friends, like I said haven't moved on and just do toxic things, or if they have moved on, they've moved abroad living a good life. İf i meet single parents, there's always so much drama surrounding them and I'm not interested in all of that. I've done well, in securing a council house and stability and normality for me and my child, despite the hurdles and becoming a single mum abroad and no family to rely on. I've done so much self development courses abroad and learned a lot, I tried making a small business to help people with techniques for mindset and healing old trauma but ironically, I know have no motivation for that either, since coming back here. I feel like I've just gone backwards and back in time and there's no way out. I can't think of any new career I feel excited and motivated by, and to be honest just want my old life of being able to be outdoors in a warm place and connect with other people, who are with or without children, in a community setting, without it feeling forced. When you're in a warm place you can just go to a local park and people will be playing sport or doing music or yoga and you can socialise every evening and join in. But I don't find that here. The local park is empty by 4pm and people just make small talk. I feel like I should move somewhere with more life and maybe less mental ties to so many toxic people from the past, but maybe I'll always feel this way, and also I dont have the motivation or can see the way out to move, with private rental costs here as they are. House swap would limit my choices of where I could go. I could potentially get a European (EU) country passport because of grandparent ancestry but getting the relative to part with their documents so I can send them to the relevant embassy might not happen during their lifetime. So also, maybe it's just Brexit making it hard to get motivated also, after the old ability of being able to move somewhere with more life.
Anyway, I know if I buckle down and try to work on my motivation, maybe I could be happy with this totally different way of living- lonely evenings indoors, just me and child kinda thing- no where to just spontaneously go to, to hang out with others. I'm trying to let go of my old life and not compare it to today, but it's not easy.
Please be kind, I'm just being honest about how I feel inside.