To be devastated - totally failed DS!

[WrongMoveAgain]

Too long and complex to explain but I was fighting for a last chance saloon type of education intervention for him. Took a risk I’d win.

I lost.

Now left with no education provision. Nothing for him to do in September. No where else to send him. More importantly he won’t get the social, emotional and mental health input he desperately needs alongside education so he can actually engage.

Now 21, ASD and mild learning disability (too mild for high levels of support, too severe apparently for lower level support), social and emotional and mental health issues, can’t live independently and unlikely ever to now without the support I was fighting for.

Can’t work or train without long term support which isn’t available. He’d just walk out due to his social anxiety and lack of engagement. He doesn’t give a shit about gardening, animal care or working in a cafe which is most of what’s on offer anyway!

Looks like his future is sitting in his pants playing his PS5 in a darkened room living off disability benefits as his social worker said most young men like him do.

This was my worst case scenario when he was a young teen and I can’t believe that after all the fighting I’ve done to prevent it that we are here!

He is such a lovely lad, funny, kind, loving, so handsome (he could be a model honestly), and very talented in one thing in particular that I was fighting for him to be able to study to make something of it. It’s so upsetting that his future might be rotting away in his room when he has so much to offer and can do actually do.

He wants to get out there, get some skills to work and live independently, get a girlfriend, have friends, live his life and I know he’s capable but he needs a big intervention for a few years to do that which he’s now lost the chance of.

Absolutely crushed!!

You haven’t failed him at all, you are doing your best as a mum. I feel your pain though, in exactly the same position with my 22 year old son. Because he is not aggressive or a problem to anyone he is forgotten. My 24 year old daughter waited 6 years for an ADHD diagnoses they arranged to ring her, they didn’t, then they discharged her. I have begged for help for them but nothing changes. But the guilt you feel as mum is overwhelming. I hope things change for him soon.

It's upsetting he can get the residential provision you want but my son is friends with a boy in just your son's position except he is 18. He has been accepted at independent college catering for children with learning disabilities but wanted to do the residential but offered a day place. He lives 35 miles away from the college and LA have said they will send a taxi to take him and collect him everyday. Parents offered to pay the difference between taxi cost for year and residential but told no because taxis come from transport budget so can be used for part of accommodation cost. In your son's situation I'd not let him sit gaming all the time. Why can't he go to a local college and do a life skills course? My Foster son went through school attending a special school for learning disabilities. He didn't get much support there. Last year he attended a local college and got so much better support. They put a 1-1 TA in every lesson he was in for him. He did a level 2 Sports BTEC and re-sat GCSE Maths. He's passed his course with Merits. This is the course his school said he'd never manage and they refused to let him do it whilst at school even though they taught this course and he is brilliant at most dports. They also refused to give him a recommendation for it when he left for college and they tried to get him to do Animal Care. It's almost like they are on commission for the Animal Care courses. He's now been accepted to do the level 3 Sport BTEC specialising in cricket which he's really good at. I've emailed his old school to let them know he not only passed but got a merit in the house they were adamant he would not be able to do. Your son might not care about Animal Care, but if he tried the working in a cafe he would learn valuable customer service skills, how to use a till, as well as making the coffee with the barista machine. It would add skills to help him work in the future. He'd also be entitled to do Maths and English if he hasn't yet got his GCSE'S in them. As he is 24 his time in education is running out. Don't let him sit in bedroom gaming when he could be learning. Much better to do cafe work as closer to getting a job. Which course does he want to do? My Foster Son wanted this Sport BTEC and I have to drive him 39 miles to college each morning then drive home, then drive 39 miles back to collect him in the afternoon then drive home. It's tiring but it was worth it. Next 2 years it will only be 22 miles each way as on different campus.

Sending hugs and positive thoughts. Have a 25 year old with LD and completely understand. I would only say, very quietly, that it's never over despite how you are feeling now. Don't give up. You're a fab Mum who is doing everything possible to ensure your DS has a good life. Hang on in there and keep pushing. You can make this happen, just not the way you thought. Take heart and stay strong xx

DS’s wish to stay in education is the reason I have continued fighting. I have often discussed letting it go with him (much easier for me!) and getting supported employment but he is adamant he wants to have the opportunity to study his particular subjects. He often says he wasn’t ready before but he is now. We were told he was operating at age 6 when he was 12.

He had his ‘reset’ after he got kicked out of his last college 2 years ago. He was self harming in class and wandering off to be alone so they said they couldn’t meet his MH needs.

He had insisted on going and had 100% attendance but by mid morning, he would go downhill. I kept on telling him not to go if he felt anxious but he would say No. I want to go! It was crazy making. The other students were much lower ability than him which I think was a big part of the issue.

He then spent a year literally in his room. Wouldn’t go out at all. I had to fight for a support worker to come out twice a week and he then quickly started going out with him, cinema, playing pool, skateboarding, and built a good relationship with him. This was then finally increased to 3 days a week and he’s been very focused on the more academic work which temp provision have been commenting on.

The college course he was on was to prepare for a supported internship/independent living skills. He has completed the first year twice now but has not been allowed to progress to the 2nd which would be the internship due to risk assessment due to his self harming.

We have looked at supported employment but they only support for a short period and have said he’s not ready at the last assessment as he needs ongoing mental health support to keep it going.

DS also gets LCWRA and PIP.

He addressed the Judge at the last hearing and told him that he wanted to go to the college we identified as he wants mental help support as well as education and living skills.

His talent is Art related. He has 10,000+ social media followers and set up his own channels completely independently, has resourced his own software and gets 1 million+ views and really good feedback. Not bad seeing as it’s quite a niche subject as well, not mainstream.

Sorry just to add, no other local colleges will take him!

I didn't necessarily think that, but OP didn't mention it much in her first post and I wondered if him not expressing his wants might be part of the reason course has been deemed unsuitable - if it seems like the young adult isn't very keen but is being pushed this will often mean they (powers that be) don't agree to arrangements. OP has addressed this in further posts so I see that wasn't the case here.

Are you too far away for this college, OP? I hear good things...

https://hsm.manchester.gov.uk/kb5/manchester/directory/service.page?id=fGwHQCtsNNk

Please talk to his work coach at the job centre. Ask to speak with princes trust, ask for a meeting with a disability employment advisor and ask about Neuro diverse provisions.

Unfortunately 4 hours away @DrRuthGalloway

The most soul destroying thing for me is that the college we were trying for is literally the only one I’ve found that is ASD AND SEMH specialist, offers mainstream courses and also the students seemed to be similar ability to DS so he could actually feel included, build social relationships and not be on the periphery which would help him feel less like he doesn’t fit in anywhere which is a big part of his MH issues.

They were very positive at first and said they’d be able to offer a 3 year program. As soon as the LA got involved they did an about turn and said they couldn’t meet his needs. Initially due to his self harming, then when I cleared up that it was very minor, only took place onsite at his last college and stopped when he left, they changed the reason to his learning disability meaning his academic levels were too low.

It was actually written into his last EHCP that he was at their required entry level 3 years ago but they insisted their assessment (asking him a few questions in class) brought him out much lower. He’d done no academic work nor been in a classroom for 18 months and been crippled with anxiety and depression.

They also said that because he didn’t make eye contact or try to engage with the other students, he wouldn’t fit in. He was there for 4 hours and this is an ASD college!

It is a very expensive college so I don’t understand why if the other students are capable of GCSE and A Levels, and have lower SEMH needs than DS, why they need this high funding but DS’s can’t get it!

DS was left to coast in mainstream primary and secondary with no EHCP, 1:1 or any targeted support despite a ‘severe learning difficulties’ diagnosis at 11. I got him an EHCP at age 15 after 3 attempts.

The Head of his Primary said he was just naughty and wouldn’t agree to refer him for assessment until Yr5. Head of Secondary said he just didn’t want to learn and didn’t agree he had learning difficulties!

He didn’t get the ASD and mild learning disability diagnosis until he was 17 ( NHS). That is exactly why he’s ended up where he is now but none of that matters.

An intervention like the college we wanted with integrated therapy, 24 hr curriculum (to make up for the 17 years that he’s lost), and a peer group, could have made the difference between night and day for him.

Where are you located in the country OP?

Another child failed by the education system.. a young person failed by his local authority!

I wonder if you phone your social worker and call their bluff and say to them that they either need to source funding for him somewhere or find him supported living whether that will give the LA a kick up the arse!!! Supported housing costs a fortune and it will be far more cost effective for them to fund his education and have him live at home rhan go down that route x

You haven't totally failed your son, the system has. Sounds to me like you have done the best you can for him. Be kind to yourself. I'm sorry that he didn't get whatever intervention you wanted for him. Don't know if it will help, but have you contacted your MP?

I have a friend in a similar situation, but with a younger child. They were allocated a secondary school place. The school couldn't cope with the child, who was deemed not bad enough to go to a special school. Parent would get a call after about half an hour to collect from school. Now the child is just at home not receiving an education at all.

I am so so sorry for you. You obviously love your son so very much and have done the best you could given the circumstance in front of you. Please don’t beat yourself up. You haven’t failed him. You played the system and it didn’t work out. You have done your best, good luck for your future.

I am so sorry you are feeling this low, but losing this battle doesn't mean there's no hope. There will be other opportunities and programs that will help him. You are bruised and battered from this fight right now and its ok to take a break for recovery before picking up and finding the right provision.

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Ah, so @WrongMoveAgain it was an independent FE college you wanted? Who said themselves they were unsuitable for DS? The tribunal literally can’t name them in Section I in those circumstances. Very frustrating for you if you believe their assessment of DS was wrong.

@TetherMetherPip Thanks but they were a Section 41 College so absolutely could have been named the same as any LA funded college. All their students are LA funded.

I wouldn’t have fought so hard for it if there was any other suitable alternative (hence looking out of county) or it couldn’t have been named.

If you’d seen their assessment report (this was done 6 months after the LA consultation), you’d have understood why I disagreed. They specialise in ASD students with social, emotional and mental health issues but the report was full of ‘he didn’t make eye contact, didn’t try to engage with the other students, struggled to give immediate answers’. He suffers from social anxiety, was there for 4 hours and hadn’t been in a classroom for 2 years.

They also ignored the fact he was at their minimum academic entry requirements 3 years ago (that was actually written into his EHCP from that time so not me bigging him up!) but due to having no proper educational input since then he didn’t show it when he was expected to engage in lessons by answering questions they were firing at him! They didn’t do any written tests with him.

Bearing in mind, they had told me they felt they were suitable until the LA got involved and I’d already given them his current at that time EHCP, ASD diagnosis report and his last annual review detailed why his last placement broke down.

They then changed their reasons they were unsuitable from the LA consultation during the Tribunal. Initial reason was not mentioned ever again! LA also changed their reason for not naming them from cost to inefficient education of others as DS would need too much time/support to settle in. This college had already told me that a lot of their students need time/support to settle due to being out of education/mental health when they start.

They were also discriminatory stating that they’d had previous students with ‘intellectual disability’ who hadn’t had successful placements so he wouldn’t either. No mention of the level of disability. DS’s is mild and his Educational Psychologist said it’s not clear if this is due to disengagement due to undiagnosed ASD (finally diagnosed at 17 after we were told he didn’t have it) which is why I was fighting for this provision.

They didn’t mention his learning disability as being a concern in the LA consultation and later denied knowing he had one at that time despite it being on his EHCP!

Go figure!

Do you need something that covers both ASD and SEMH? Most colleges that specialise in ASD have a lot of expertise in SEMH.

That isn't an automatic barrier to a school or college being named. It regularly happens that they say they are unsuitable because they haven't been given all the relevant information, or when the reality is that they could once provision is properly specified in section F and properly funded. Both LAs and the tribunal regularly name schools and colleges in that situation.

So, because he is disabled, it's OK that he doesn't get the education NT young people get, and doesn't get to fulfil his potential?

What a disgusting post.

"If you’d seen their assessment report (this was done 6 months after the LA consultation), you’d have understood why I disagreed. They specialise in ASD students with social, emotional and mental health issues but the report was full of ‘he didn’t make eye contact, didn’t try to engage with the other students, struggled to give immediate answers’. He suffers from social anxiety, was there for 4 hours and hadn’t been in a classroom for 2 years.

They also ignored the fact he was at their minimum academic entry requirements 3 years ago (that was actually written into his EHCP from that time so not me bigging him up!) but due to having no proper educational input since then he didn’t show it when he was expected to engage in lessons by answering questions they were firing at him! They didn’t do any written tests with him."

They were clearly unsuitable - not in a tribunal term, but just in terms of having the faintest idea about kids like your son, OP, sorry. They didn't understand him or have any concept of his presentation in context. I think you have dodged a bullet to be honest.

Semh schools often tend to work mostly with youngsters with externalising behaviours (as in, "naughty" - not what I would call it, but what it looks like to an uninformed observer- shouting, meltdowns, ripping things, trashing things). Your son sounds like he's internalising (withdrawn, overwhelmed, quiet, unable to respond) and I wouldn't put my son, who is very similar, in an SEMH setting. It would be far too unpredictable and stressful for him.

http://www.theartsxchange.co.uk/191/internships

Supported internship in arts in London, since you said the North West was 4 hours away ....there are a few of these popping up over the country, it's worth keeping an eye.

@Twyford they can’t name a non-s41 approved independent school without an offer from the school - which I assume is what is going on here

On this and other threads the OP has posted the setting is a s.41 independent.

Have you considered an EOTAS package? Dd left her independent specialist school at 19, couldn't find a college placement to meet needs as she is academically very able but needs a high level of support outside the academics. She has an EOTAS package of tutors, TAs, mentor, support workers, SALT, OT and specialist careers adviser package as well as all tech, materials and resources funded by LA through her EHCP. It's costly, more than her independent specialist school in fact, but it can be tailored to individual interests and abilities.