I have posted so many threads about my utterly crap relationship I should have Mumsnet admin rights by now.
It's finally ending which is the right thing yet I feel so so sad today.
I kept trying new strategies. Nothing worked. I sat down today reading back old messages from our early days and could piece together the early disagreements.
The issues were identical to now right from the beginning. What struck me was I was working so hard to resolve them. I was so patient and thorough. He was exactly the same as he is now; gaslighting, mocking and belittling me.
I'm not patient and thorough now. I feel all used up.
Yesterday was the oddest experience. I decided to behave like him; just a tiny bit whereas he has done these things relentlessly. I made some pointed nasty digs designed to hurt him in exactly the style he does to me. He looked at me so oddly. Really, it was surreal like he couldn't process what was happening. He frowned and looked confused.
Then today he spent ages messaging me long-winded hurt messages about what I'd said, desperate for me to understand his perspective. I realised then how easy it was to ignore and let the person spiral when you don't care. And I felt sadder about all the pleading for empathy I engaged in for years with someone who was not interested in understanding my viewpoint.
I should feel guilty but I don't. I feel so so so sad though.
The police, social services, the works are all involved. Things are very very bad. There is definitely only one result here but it's going to be a battle. I haven't told anyone in real life apart from my therapist and one friend (but not the recent developments).
I feel exhausted. And I feel so sad. I have a beautiful wedding dress that I will never wear. My daughter will love between two houses. She will most likely have a stepmum or two. I will have to manage on my own because I don't think I will ever want to get involved with a man again, ever.
It's preferable to the awful relationship but I wish so much that things were different.