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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP mum here for 4 months

31 replies

Cocopogo · 31/07/2023 22:26

I don’t live with DP but I spend every weekend at his and a couple of evenings in the week.
His mother has come to visit for 4 months. It’s been planned for a long time. I’ve been with DP 5 years. I had visions of happy outings chatting, cooking together, chilling together.
His mum actually hates me, or she’s batshit or both.
She makes comments under her breath, she expects me to cook and clean and if DP does she tells him to sit down as he works hard when he was on annual leave for a week and I worked fulltime that week (and every other week) and am a single parent. She actually started screaming and shouting “she’s a liar” (in front of my DD) when I said I’d cook lunch then due to DS being in hospital I grabbed something else instead and told her I’d make the planned meal in the evening instead when I got back from the holiday.
Theirs is def a cultural, and generation, difference but even so this is just crazy.
DP stepped in and spoke to her but even so, this is impacting our relationship and there’s another 3 and half months to go

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 31/07/2023 22:31

Oh wow...honestly I don't think I really have any advice but this sounds like its only going one way!. Can your DP come to yours instead and you just give his mum a wide birth?

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/07/2023 22:32

I wouldn't go there again until she's gone! Tell him to come to your house.

libertybonds · 31/07/2023 22:33

This sounds very tricky, OP. How is your partner handling it?

Testina · 31/07/2023 22:33

Well you don’t live with him so tell her she’s rude as fuck, and exactly why you’re not cleaning his house - then go back to yours and tell him to come over. She’s nuts but this one’s an easy fix.

Sealover123 · 31/07/2023 22:34

Stay at your house; no need exposing yourself and your daughter to that lady's odd/rude behaviour.

Testina · 31/07/2023 22:36

Hang on - you’re the one going out with shower dickhead, aren’t you?
just dump the pair of them already 🤷🏻‍♀️

AmandaHoldensLips · 31/07/2023 22:37

Yep. That's a big fat "no thanks, let me know when she's gone".

TheBeesKnee · 31/07/2023 22:37

You're obviously NBU but where is this relationship heading? Is there a chance that this is your future MIL or will he be holding out for a submissive wifey who will slave away and make his mum happy?

ConnieTucker · 31/07/2023 22:37

Dont go round.

ButterCrackers · 31/07/2023 22:38

He can stay at yours. Do go round and say hello and see if she’s changed into a polite respectful person. As she’s probably the same don’t stay longer than necessary.

Mellowautumnmists · 31/07/2023 22:38

Don't go while she is there. He can come to you.

I'm afraid I don't always understand the frequent references to cultural differences which are seen on MN.

What culture is it which actively encourages and condones such hostile and abusive behaviour from this lady?

How does your partner respond to his mother's behaviour?

Is there a reason why you don't live together - is this due to cultural differences too.

Sorry for all the questions. I'm not intending to be provocative, I'm trying to understand the bigger picture here.

Menopants · 31/07/2023 22:39

I’m intrigued by shower dickhead.

but yes what everyone else says stop going round

ShimmyingThroughTheChaos · 31/07/2023 22:40

TheBeesKnee · 31/07/2023 22:37

You're obviously NBU but where is this relationship heading? Is there a chance that this is your future MIL or will he be holding out for a submissive wifey who will slave away and make his mum happy?

I was also wondering this. Unless your partner 100% has your back, draws boundaries and actually understands that his mum's behaviour is awful and difficult (rather than brushing it off as "that's just how she is" because he as been dealing with this bs since childhood) then I would be very wary of progressing this relationship. I especially would not want this woman anywhere near my kids.

Original poster
Cocopogo · 31/07/2023 22:48

DP did speak to her and tell her she was out of order but he’s not seen her for years so he’s trying to keep us both happy but doesn’t understand my feelings when I tell him I don’t want to go to his.

OP posts:
Testina · 31/07/2023 22:48

Re shower dickhead: OP hasn’t started many threads but they include:

  • one where 91% of over 1000 people though it wasn’t unreasonable for her to shower at his house - he told her she couldn’t
  • one where he shouted at her because her 13yo told him too (wtf?) then ignored her all evening telling her she’d ruined the evening
  • one where he wanted to go 50/50 costs of living together despite her losing tax credits and him having 10x the disposable income left (£100 Vs £1000 sort of territory)
  • one where he used the interest rate rise as an excuse to cancel their wedding

I mean, why not put up with his MIL being rude? That’s doesn’t even make it into Top 4 Reasons to Dump Him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Testina · 31/07/2023 22:50

Cocopogo · 31/07/2023 22:48

DP did speak to her and tell her she was out of order but he’s not seen her for years so he’s trying to keep us both happy but doesn’t understand my feelings when I tell him I don’t want to go to his.

Seriously, what’s the point of him?
He doesn’t “not understand” your feelings - he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings.

Mellowautumnmists · 31/07/2023 22:58

Testina · 31/07/2023 22:48

Re shower dickhead: OP hasn’t started many threads but they include:

  • one where 91% of over 1000 people though it wasn’t unreasonable for her to shower at his house - he told her she couldn’t
  • one where he shouted at her because her 13yo told him too (wtf?) then ignored her all evening telling her she’d ruined the evening
  • one where he wanted to go 50/50 costs of living together despite her losing tax credits and him having 10x the disposable income left (£100 Vs £1000 sort of territory)
  • one where he used the interest rate rise as an excuse to cancel their wedding

I mean, why not put up with his MIL being rude? That’s doesn’t even make it into Top 4 Reasons to Dump Him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Understood...... Hmm

Mellowautumnmists · 31/07/2023 23:00

@Cocopogo why are you still with him. Serious question.

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/07/2023 23:01

Oh blimey, if that's all true, then why are you still with him?

Traceyislivid · 31/07/2023 23:03

Just stay at your own house. Problem solved.

Maddy70 · 31/07/2023 23:09

He can visit you in your home when she's visiting

Nanny0gg · 31/07/2023 23:11

Where on earth is this 'relationship' supposed to be heading?

TheCatterall · 31/07/2023 23:21

Looks at last threads.

No point giving you advice @Cocopogo you ignore it and stay with this absolute tosser anyway.

why do you waste your (and our) time staying with him?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 31/07/2023 23:57

Stay at home and enjoy
time with DD..,,, permanently

Merryoldgoat · 01/08/2023 00:30

FFS @Cocopogo

Why do you have such low expectations for yourself?