Have you thought about finding a man?

[Pizzaexpressshame]

What is it with one friend giving me this sort of advice again and again? It has happened at least three times. I don't remember the context of the first two, but recently I spoke to her about the difficult relationship with my mother and she replied 'have you thought about finding a man?' I can see why she might have said it, but equally I find it out of order and hurtful. Especially coming from someone who's been with the same abusive husband for over 25 years whom she tried to leave umpteen times.

IANBU am I? I told her this time how inadequate I found this suggestion. Of course the problem is now me 'seeing her well meaning suggestion as negative etc '. I'm actually fucking livid.

What's a good response to something like that?

What use would a man give me, apart from being a pickle

May be “Yes, I have. But I just can’t risk ending up with one like yours”….

Oh yes

This is a good one. I actually said 'well, I wouldn't want to live like you where I can't be myself'. She didn't even notice. I think she's in complete denial.

Sounds like she’s saying she’s sick of hearing it? As in find someone else to talk to/ take your mind off it. That’s how I see it

@MaxwellCat you mean talking about the relationship with my mother? That's interesting. She actually asked about it, but I have been thinking I should stop regardless as nobody who hasn't experienced it can understand. I wouldn't expect her to understand but equally I would expect being told to find a man.

I mean that's our society for you. It's everywhere. Find a man and walk off into the sunset to live happily ever after together. Well worn film/novel/TV show plot. What you do. These days, to be inclusive, broadened to include same sex couples but effectively the same old trope.

It's been trotted out as the key to happiness for all women everywhere since forever, it seems, despite so much evidence to the contrary.

Perhaps it's a bit of a clue as to why your friend can't seem to leave her abuser - perhaps deep down she thinks everything would be worse without a man, even one like hers.

Anyway I wouldn't be taking life or relationship advice from her anytime soon. She sounds deluded, so try to rise above it, if possible, and tell her gently that you don't find that suggestion helpful, so please don't make it again.

Maybe she thinks there are only two options in life, live with parent(s) or live with man. Maybe she married her abusive husband to escape her own parent(s)? Do you live with your mother? If not, do you see her very often? Could you see her less. and in the process demonstrate to friend that it is possible to lead an independent life, with friends, other relatives and a range of interests and hobbies etc etc?

Yes. I would like to reassess what I would like my contribution to this friendship to be.

Yes she says she is a family person. But admitted many times that her and her husband lead separate lives. I guess this is on and off.

She has a tendency to also usually respond to anything with some kind of advice. I think I have tolerated it for too long to the point she thought she could repeatedly suggest I find a man. She has shown me that she doesn't appreciate me pointing out and criticising her advice giving. But on the other hand I am to tolerate all sorts of stupid advice. I feel unsure where this is going to go with her 😔

@CherrySocks i live in another country to my mother and have hardly anything to do with her.

My friend knows about my hobbies, other friends etc. I share this with her. I wonder if she subconsciously feels sad that she has no hobbies, can't really travel (husband hates when she's going on her own) and has not much money (he pays rent, she pays everything else from a part time job and child benefit). I have a lot of freedom and she has none. I have often thought she's trying to show my life is somehow incomplete because of how unhappy she is with hers. I don't feel I can talk about this with her at all though.

I did suggest to her today whether she has thought about why she's responding with some kind of advice so often and she blew up.