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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why can’t I remember my Dd like this

31 replies

Needsleepwontsleep · 31/07/2023 22:14

Dd is 5, I have thousands upon thousands of pictures of her throughout her life so far, I have a few videos, but should have taken more.
Dh was showing me all these videos of her when little and I was fascinated watching them, but had to go in the loo for a little sob, I couldn’t remember her like this, the girl then was so different to now, I can’t remember how she spoke, things she said, it upset me so much.
Is this normal? Most of the videos were during covid times..first lockdown etc, I did have covid quite badly and long covid for a while, could it be this?
Also, is it normal to cry this much looking at videos of her when young?

OP posts:
greenteaandmarshmallows · 31/07/2023 22:16

I am similar
I had extreme post natal depression when my LO was tiny. It was all a blur and I felt I never got to relax

Comedycook · 31/07/2023 22:18

Exactly the same for me. I really struggle to remember my children at earlier stages of their life.

Iwishmymumwouldbemymum · 31/07/2023 22:21

Yes and I bawl crying. I was fighting cancer and so ill I could barely pick her up. I don't think she even knew I was her mum.

Original poster
Needsleepwontsleep · 31/07/2023 22:23

From what age do strong memories of them stay in your mind?
I can remember from around 3 quite clearly but not 100%
Feels so sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Needsleepwontsleep · 31/07/2023 22:24

@Iwishmymumwouldbemymum Oh 😢So sorry, I think she knew x

OP posts:
ThatDayIBecameFree · 31/07/2023 22:26

I think every version of them slightly replaces the earlier versions tbh

Anyonebut · 31/07/2023 22:26

I can’t remember much either, I blame it on pretty awful lack of sleep during the first few years of my dcs lives.

AllHopeandRainbows · 31/07/2023 22:46

I think it’s just normal, I’m the same when I look back at pictures and I just can’t picture myself having a newborn or young baby even though I’ve had two haha and I have no traumatic experiences that I could put it down to. I think it’s literally just that they change soo much so quickly but we see them daily so don’t notice it.

Graasspp · 31/07/2023 22:49

Thankfully I can remember feelings - like holding them and breastfeeding.... singing lullabies

I've lost 90% of their photos and all videos on a recent event and I'm glad I've got those sensory memories quite strongly.

CompaniesHouse · 31/07/2023 22:50

ThatDayIBecameFree · 31/07/2023 22:26

I think every version of them slightly replaces the earlier versions tbh

This! And also, I was so busy with them, I probably didn’t have the time/brain space to properly remember it.

if it’s reassuring, I often feel struck anew when I watch videos of DC from their toddler years - I don’t have many equivalent memories - but I suppose I try and feel grateful that I’ve got the videos to even jog my memory, in a way. I think about my parents and other past generations and think that maybe they didn’t have the same expectations of remembering every moment, and they certainly didn’t have half as many memory jogging videos to help!

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 31/07/2023 22:51

It is normal. You don't need to have had PND for this. My brain tells me DS (nearly 5) went from scrawny newborn to small version of his current self complete with grown up boy haircut and full set of teeth even though objectively I know this isn't the case. I was recently taken aback when I saw a video of him at 2 doing 2-word sentences.

Thankgoodnessforabitofsun · 31/07/2023 22:52

It’s completely normal, OP. I remember very little of what mine were like when they were smaller. They’re 5 and 8 now and I sometimes wish I could freeze some of the best bits of now and keep them for later but I’ll forget most of them too if I’m honest, and that’s ok because who they are in the now is the most important bit

GoatsareGOAT · 31/07/2023 22:54

I think it's nature's way of stopping us comparing the really irritating teen/tween in front of us with that small heavenly smelling bundle!

I have no minds eye so am eternally grateful to live in a time of digital photos 😃

UserRose · 31/07/2023 23:06

Graasspp · 31/07/2023 22:49

Thankfully I can remember feelings - like holding them and breastfeeding.... singing lullabies

I've lost 90% of their photos and all videos on a recent event and I'm glad I've got those sensory memories quite strongly.

This is true for me too, I can remember the feelings more than their exact image

2oreosandmilk · 31/07/2023 23:15

Is she your first and are you planning for her to be your last? It could just be that? It’s emotional remembering the early days either way.

My DS was poorly when he was little, in and out of hospital and the whole thing is a blur - apart from the horrific medical procedures.

my husband sent me a video of this little leg shake dance he used to do around 1yo and I had no memory of it til seeing the video (he’s 4).

I was so wrapped up in his sickness and the PND I didn’t get help for… that a lot of it was a blur.

I often feel emotional looking back at pics and videos of him, at the time I didn’t have a real connection with him. Now I adore him and have such a wonderful relationship it’s hard to remember a time I found him and life so unbelievably difficult.

Original poster
Needsleepwontsleep · 31/07/2023 23:16

She’s my first and last (not through choice)

I had to give him his phone back as it makes me far too emotional, like full on sobbing if I’m alone.

OP posts:
tpmumtobe · 31/07/2023 23:22

Mine are 13 and 10 and I feel like this all the time. Mobile cameras weren't that great when DC1 was born so there's very little video of him and I struggle to remember any of it! There's a wonderful quote from a JK Rowling novel that sums this up for me.

"How awful it was...the way tiny ghosts of your living children haunted your heart; they could never know, and would hate it if they did, how their growing was a constant bereavement."

Indigotree · 31/07/2023 23:24

Yes, I'm so relieved others are saying this too. I was worried it was just me!

Wynston · 31/07/2023 23:27

Its as if they dropped into our lives as they are on this day.....i cannot believe the picture of my newborn is the same child starting secondary school in September. What happened to all those years in between??? I try really hard to be present but crippling ocd has definitely robbed some amazing memories. x

Original poster
Needsleepwontsleep · 31/07/2023 23:31

I wonder if there’s some reason that we can’t remember, some psychological type reason, I find it odd

OP posts:
Mummy08m · 31/07/2023 23:31

I think this is quite normal isn't it?

I'm also very emotional at old videos of dd but in a happy-tears way.

But yes, completely forgotten when different milestones happened.

Dh showed me a video I took of dd and she must have been well under a year, maybe 8 or 9m. She could only say the odd word like yes or no. But she understood so much, I'd forgotten - in the video I was playfully asking her yes or no questions like "dd are you wearing a hat" and she touched her hair and laughed and shook her head. I watched the video recently and was blown away but actually she was totally normal at the time for her age and peers.

It helps me feel more patient with the grandparents when they get stuff like presents completely wrong for the age lol - they've entirely forgotten when things happen, but tbf so have I, only 2y later!

Original poster
Needsleepwontsleep · 31/07/2023 23:31

I mean as in, that we all shouldn’t be acme to, not explaining it well here

OP posts:
Chatbags · 31/07/2023 23:34

Oh OP I think it's normal, I did the same this week, went down a rabbit hole of old videos. I don't think we see them in the moment the same as when we watch videos years later so you won't remember. I remember my mum being concerned about DD1 having a lisp aged 2 or 3. I remember her saying it quite a bit, with concern, and I was so confused by this as I could hear a lisp on the occasional word but mostly she seemed clear and articulate to me. I distinctly remember thinking my mum was being OTT and weird about it. Well watching the video back this week all I was thinking was oh my god her lisp! It was so prominent I struggled to decipher what she was saying, whereas back then I could understand every single word. Perception shifts and memories alter.

I too get sad re-watching some times, I think I'm sad that I couldn't enjoy them much at the time as I was so overwhelmed and my marriage was not in a good place. It was a difficult time. Sometimes I feel I was too hard on them/expected too much - they were so tiny and I didn't perceive them that way.

hellywelly3 · 31/07/2023 23:36

Home videos always make me cry. I want to reach into the screen and pick them up. It’s impossible to remember it all

Magnalux · 31/07/2023 23:37

I had three children under three, you would think you would remember that.. but I’m the same as a lot on here, in that I remember very little, I have almost no recollection of those baby years!! My youngest is 10 now so it’s not like it was many decades ago.