You need to follow my mother's 'healthy' diet.
Vegetables - tinned, rinsed repeatedly to get rid of any salt. Boil on high, uncovered, for as long as is physically possible.
Potatoes - get the ones already turning green and peel, ensuring that the eyes are left in for some added colour. Place in water and boil angrily until they have turned into a watery, grainy substance. Unless you're 'treating' yourself to roast potatoes - you then peel and place in cold, reused vegetable oil and put into a low oven. They'll cook through in the end.
Meat. If you can get a blunt knife into it, it's underdone. Best put it under the grill for another half hour.
Pasta. Only swarthy foreigners add salt. Make sure it's turning into wallpaper paste before pouring it onto a plate. Include some kitchen roll to mop up some of the water.
Fancy some bacon? Good, we've got two days. First, soak your unsmoked, cheap as possible rashers in milk for at least 18 hours. Rinse with water, then place back in some more milk - you've got to get the salt out, you know. Once it looks like a bleached whale carcass, flick it under the grill for a minutes and when the white stuff starts dripping, it's done. Ketchup is too salty. Cheapest, lowest fat spread possible because it 'tastes just the same as butter' and the cheapest white sliced - just the one slice because it's full of salt - folded over.
Try to ensure that everything you put on a plate is simultaneously flavourless, textureless, watery and dry as a bone, but for that extra frission, try to add a whiff of bitterness and barely supressed rage into every mouthful.
When nobody is looking, you then make yourself sausage sandwiches, buy M&S finest stuff and a shitload of cream cakes.