To feel I'm unfairly targeted

[Cluelessat33]

I'm a reasonably young female working in an environment dominated by older men. I have felt for a long time I've been unreaunreasonably treated by the boss. Today for example, we were in a meeting of middle leaders, and he seems to pick me up for everything. Told me to smile. Picked me up when another colleague asked me a question, like a naughty child, and then later said to another colleague, 'you'd better hurry up, is getting bored'. I may have yawned, but have felt really poorly and off colour today. I honestly don't think he'd do the same to other members of staff, because they are male? Who knows?

I'm a bloody hard worker. I always work over and above. I've never been picked up on attitude or poor behaviour. In fact my qnnual reviews are always overwhelming positive. I contribute to teams, I'm proactive, take on extra work. I'm bubbly, friendly and kind to all the other staff. I'm not the only person who has noticed his behaviour towards me in particular, several people have made comments to me about it. He very often picks me up on things in public, has shouted at me or been very overbearing and unpleasant in front of other people.

Am I being over sensitive and unreasonable?

YANBU. Can you think of any good comebacks at the time or do you just feel embarrassed? I'd try and think of phrases you can have ready that bite back a bit but are not too rude to get you in trouble? Something like "well I would smile but you're never very nice to me so why should I?" And smile sweetly.

I'd also start writing down what he says or recording it in some way in case you have to defend yourself. If he gets worse you can go to HR with the evidence.

@catsnore unfortunately I'm hopeless at comebacks, and usually think of a really good one after the moment has passed.🙄

I’d advise you to keep a diary of things like this: dates, times, what happened and any witnesses and also keep an eye out to see if it’s done to others (men).

Once you have a decent stack of evidence you can raise it with a line manager or HR - and potentially raise a grievance if nothing changes.

Sorry to hear this. Some good suggestions from other posters. Another could be to email him each time he does that and give him the opportunity to clarify what he meant? Putting it in writing with a time stamp and also is giving him an opportunity to reflect on his behaviour and respond. It may also make him realise that he is being monitored for these comments/behaviour. For any big blow outs, when he is shouting at you - report these straight away as a complaint to your line manager (assuming he's not your immediate line manager, if so go to his line manager). Document, document, document! Hope this gets better for you soon.

I can understand your perspectives, not sure what to advise that will help, other than I'm sure your good at what you do, but sometimes there still will always be others that don't think you'll be good enough etc

Agree with this advice.

There should be a code of conduct - have a look - what does it say about reporting things like this?

Talk to your HR about the "smile" comment, he may not realise it's inappropriate but it is not acceptable.

There isn't a reasonable way around yawning in a meeting, and his comment there isn't one to report, but it does sound like overall he is unfair to you. Keep a log to start with, but it may be useful to review the situation with your line manager, you say you're confused that you get good appraisals yet consistently picked up for X, Y, Z in public meetings. It might sense check if they agree you're being picked on, and they can help you consider practical next steps. If that doesn't help, then call ACAS for advice: 03001231100.

Contact your HR department today. The smile comment and shouting at you are unacceptable. Write down other instances you remember, particularly where others have noticed. Is he your line manager? If not I would suggest telling them you are contacting HR.

Those colleagues who have noticed his behaviour towards you and made comments, have you asked them for advice? Would they be willing to back you? Are they up for telling him off? If you trust them, perhaps say that you're not sure how to deal with it and would appreciate their input. Especially if they've worked there longer and know him better. Often outsider intervention is more effective than anything you do.

By the way, it's nice that you're bubbly, friendly and kind - but you don't have to be, whatever society has told you women should be. Be wary of this man. I can see him becoming horrible in some sexual way. Please avoid being alone with him.

@Agapornis you make a good point. I am a naturally bubbly person, but often feel that is a persona that I have to maintain, even when I feel like shit, or work isn't great. There are people in the organisation known for being grumpy, rude etc. Who I'm sure a 'smile' comment wouldn't be considered. I'm almost certainly the youngest person in the organisation, and certainly the youngest middle leader. I'm certain this plays a role in the way I am treated by this certain man. By no means am I flippant or behave young though. And have been requested above others to contribute my skills and knowledge to national projects and reviews. I am professional and mature.

I'm also no good at comebacks but I sometimes think that bullies are good at finding a nice, compliant person to have a go at.

Before going to HR a well placed "that comment was completely inappropriate" said firmly and strongly might be enough to nip it in the bud.

@BounceyB this might be a better approach.

When you have made a log of the incidents, as OP suggested, contact a union.

You could use a hidden voice recorder, to gather evidence, this is also effective and once you are in a union, just email the voice recordings to them when the union get their teeth into this slimeball of a manager he will be held to account.

His patronising attitude is horrendous and in this day and age there are consequences for this type of behaviour which is bullying because you are the only one who is targetted.

In my experience people like this target you because you're young and a woman. Doubt he tells any young men to smile. I'm about 10 years older than you and I've found HR ineffective for similar issues. But what has been productive is playing them back at their game, with asking them to confirm things in writing, and shining a very bright public light on comments straight away. I had it finely tuned to a 'sorry?' or 'what do you mean?' and a raised eyebrow. Thankfully I have since got too old for shit men to target me, and developed a no-nonsense reputation 😁 (I am quite nice to those in the know)

I'm sure you can apply your strong skills and knowledge to be equally strong in getting this sorted :)