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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH won’t talk to me

19 replies

Kalgir23 · 31/07/2023 19:56

Long time lurker and please bear with me on the length.
Early last year the area we live in had flooding and our house had quite a bit of damage which we were repairing with additional renovations till last November. I work from home and the area that was damaged is where I see my customers. So work came to a halt at that time.
when the last piece of work was completed DH and I have a chat about future plans and what we would like to achieve. He lists a whole lot of jobs around the house that require attention and he would like to get those done before we TTC again. I on the otherhand say, please can we take a break from having contractors in and out of the house as I am tired and stressed out from managing all of that(he took a step back and I project managed everything). Plus I would like to get back to work with my clients and we can try to recover financially. I suggest we pause on all things repairs and renovations till August 2023 with the hope that I will have found an alternative place to see my clients and we can continue TTC. He agrees and see my point of view.
January of 2023 he gets an unexpected bonus and he was keen to get going on the renovations etc. Against my will he goes ahead and gets the contractors in. Prior to this he had taken on a project which requires him to work long hours which then meant I had to deal with all the contractors(various ones at the same time) while looking after our daughter, school run, after school driving to and fro to extra murals, school committee, cooking, cleaning and trying to revive my business. Everyday after the contactors had left I would need to scrub the house down as we all have dust allergies and my DD and I have asthma. This left me exhausted and ready to pass out as soon as I put DD to sleep and of no use to anyone else.

DH has summarised it as I don’t make anytime for him. He switches off his laptop earliest 10pm. And because I’m not available for him when he is it has made him not even want to look or speak to me. He has not been speaking to me for the last 3 weeks.

AIBU in thinking that he is behaving like a petulant child and should not have pushed ahead with renovations in the first place especially as the person who has to deal with all of it red flagged it.

or AIBU and should be grateful our old house is getting the repairs it needs and should be waiting with a cup of tea and lingerie for my husband when he finishes work at 10pm?

thank you for reading my long post.

OP posts:

Tinkerbyebye · 31/07/2023 19:59

Yes he is acting like a child. Leave him to it, stop doing anything for him, just focus on you and your child

I would also start looking at how you can leave. Why would you want to be with him, he’s an awful example to your child. A sulking adult is just not on

Muckysmucky · 31/07/2023 19:59

Renovations aside a grown man who is your actual DH sulking and ignoring you for three weeks is insane. He sounds awful. He might well be hurt and upset but Fgs communicate with you surely.

coconutpie · 31/07/2023 20:02

The silent treatment is actually a form of emotional abuse OP, and you mention this has been going on for 3 weeks. Also, he got contractors in when you said no and then it's you (with asthma) cleaning up all the dust? WTF.

I think you should consider leaving him. Do not have another child with that awful man.

coconutpie · 31/07/2023 20:03

Also, he says you don't make time for him because you are not dancing to attention at 10pm when he makes himself available? What an arsehole.

Barrell · 31/07/2023 20:03

Regardless of who is right or wrong, he hasn’t spoken to you FOR THREE WEEKS??!! How does he see this playing out exactly? It’s emotional abuse for a start.

Beenhereforever1978 · 31/07/2023 20:04

Yeah the 10pm thing really struck me also. Are you saying he comes home from work, then works more at home until 10pm, then gets in a snit because you're asleep instead of Stepfording?

NuffSaidSam · 31/07/2023 20:06

I'd enjoy the peace and quiet. It doesn't sound like he'd have anything particularly helpful or interesting to say anyway. Start getting plans to leave in place, prioritise getting your work back up and running.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 31/07/2023 20:09

What an example for your dd. Please don't ttc. In fact I would be planning an extended holiday with dd and leaving him to his mess and misery.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2023 20:09

He has not been speaking to me for the last 3 weeks.

I would be serving him with divorce papers. There is absolutely no justification for this, I don't care what he's upset about. It is pure cruelty, he's blatantly trying to punish you for some perceived slight, and it's a completely unacceptable way to treat your partner. It's a deal breaker.

Elsiebear90 · 31/07/2023 20:12

This is abuse, does he often sulk and do silent treatment when he doesn’t get what he wants?

Catusrusty · 31/07/2023 20:14

Fucking hell OP! Three weeks? That's absolutely insane.

This is all his fault. He ignored your wishes and warnings, you are dealing with a huge amount and now this on top and he expects you to be all bright eyed and bushy tailed at 10pm when he finally deigns to grace you with his attention.

Ignoring someone for 3 weeks is emotional abuse. He has no respect for you and clearly doesn't value you at all. No one who loves you would treat you like this.

How on earth are you putting up with him?

bonzaitree · 31/07/2023 20:14

its unacceptable to be silent for three weeks.

Fair enough for a day or so after a fight everyone’s quiet / calming down / still angry / processing etc.

Three weeks is abusive. It’s designed to get you to cave.

i don’t know how you get through this as a couple? Anyone else have any suggestions.

saraclara · 31/07/2023 20:17

Jeeze. I'm damaged from growing up with my mum's three or four day silences. Three weeks is beyond abusive.

Don't have any more children with this man.

Topseyt123 · 31/07/2023 20:22

So when is he planning to start speaking to you again? How does he think it can ever be resolved?

I can see one way to resolve it - by divorcing him. He's not expecting that, he's expecting you to capitulate. He's an arse and this is abuse.

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 31/07/2023 20:29

Why on eath would you even thinkabout ttc with this person? He's sulky, petulant does things behind your back gets moody because you're tired and not 'available for him'
I wouldn't be available on a permanant basis.

cheddercherry · 31/07/2023 22:14

He’s not spoken to you at all for three weeks? That’s insane! So he blanks you in front of your child? How on earth are you even still together? It astounds me that a presumably professional guy who works to a high enough level to still be on his work laptop at 10pm can’t even function as a reasonable adult towards his wife. What a ridiculous reaction.

Duckafuk · 31/07/2023 22:19

Emotional abuse, pure and simple.

Testina · 31/07/2023 22:21

Ignore him right back, and during the time period you’re still there before you leave him, get a cleaning company to do the post-contractor clean, paid for by the idiot who started the work.

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/07/2023 22:45

Why on earth are you thinking of having another baby with this complete prick? Anyone who is capable of not speaking to his wife for so long deserves castration, not sex.

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