AIBU to ask for a handhold and advice- overwhelmed.

[StrugglingWithEverything]

I'm a FTM in my early 40s. DC now 18 months and I've been back at work nearly 6 months. I started a new job instead of returning to my old one, it's 4 days a week but I feel like in reality the job is 5+ days. I'm doing everything the previous full-time staff member did but I'm more senior so I'm doing a lot more strategic work on top of that, including in areas of the business they had no responsibility in.

I'm suddenly feeling completely overwhelmed by work and home life. I've had very limited social life since I had my DC, no regular hobbies either. We moved to buy and I don't live near my friends anymore. I've been trying to study but have probably failed my exams.

I'm starting to feel like I wish I could close my eyes and just go into a coma for several weeks or have my DC and whole life general disappear. I couldn't cope with a particular prolonged bedtime meltdown last night and yelled at my DC. I just want everything to stop.

My DH is lovely, fabulous parent and person and totally pulls his share and more of the practical weight, but his ability to give emotional support or connect at an emotional level is limited. So I feel that we're not coming together as a team in a time of stress and pressure. We're not working together as a team, we're each running our own separate show in the house with different systems and ways of doing things. And intimacy has gone out the window which is also really having an impact.

I feel like I've been keeping myself together but suddenly I can't anymore. I can't even think straight to get through my to-do list at work and I'm about to miss a major deadline.

I've had depression and anxiety in the past and its possible I'm peri-menopausal.

In a fit of madness I posted this in the PND board thinking I had some kind of very delayed PND but I don't think its that.

Please don't tell me to leave my DH. I can't be a single mum. It's my worst nightmare. And I don't say that to insult anyone who is, I just know I can't do it, it terrifies me to my core. So whatever we're doing wrong it has to be fixed.

I think I just need someone to tell me that they've been here and they are ok now.

I've probably put this in the wrong place for responses but I didn't know whether it was parenting or relationships or work or mental health, because its probably all of those things.

I think that your work situation is making your whole life seem impossible. Can you talk to your manager about expectations? Tell them basically what you've said here about workload?

Forgot to say- hugs to you OP. Being a parent and working is really fucking hard. But it shouldn't be this hard, and that's not your fault at all.

Oh poor you - you are right in the thick of it and some of it is just that parenting a small person, working a FT job and trying to keep intimacy alive is really bloody difficult for absolutely everyone and I’d be surprised if any mother would tell you otherwise.

However.

You sound like you’re burning out, on the verge of a breakdown. You must must must prioritise your mental health right now and get signed off work for a short while.

If you are signed off with stress then your HR department will need to discuss return to work strategies. If you’re doing too many people’s roles in too few days then this has to be addressed.

It's not your husband that is the issue it's your job. It sounds unsustainable in any situation never mind with a young child.

If you're senior enough to be doing strategic work then that should be the focus of your role, can you put together a business case for additional staffing to cover the other work you are doing?

I don't think you are doing any wrong and please don't even think of leaving your DH. Plus as you say he's a fabulous parent. You are both under a lot of pressure.

From your post it sounds as if you have a lot to do, new job, new baby, studying, etc. That's a lot of juggling and you are doing just fine. In fact more than fine. It's perfectly reasonable to feel overwhelmed.

Perhaps talk to work about your hours if indeed they are more than the 4 days you expected to do? Set some boundaries with them. Don't be tempted to respond to emails after your official hours etc.

If you don't do this already, take it in turns with your DH to settle your child at night so that you have a few minutes to yourself.

Do you have any help on the day you are not at work or is it just you looking after your child? If it is, can you extend child care for a few hours on your day off so you actually have some time off or can a relative help?

It will get better.

I think it's safe to say that every working mum has felt this at some stage. I, for one, know that I have so please don't think you're having a tough time and everyone else is breezing through life because I can assure you this won't be the case.

In terms of work, could you ask for additional supervision or additional training re skills like time management? Your manager should
Be supportive of this as you are asking for support and taking accountability for areas you are finding challenging rather than just burying your head in the sand.

In terms of your partner, it's easy to feel like there is a wedge between you sometimes. You will both be tired and probably want to be more present for each other but are finding it hard to create the time and space to do so. Could you get a trusted babysitter for a couple of hours so you could go out and spend some time as a couple? It's an old cliche but trying to communicate with each other about how you are feeling really does make a big difference. If your partners emotional support is not great then maybe you could take the lead by starting the conversation and tell him exactly how you feel and what you need/ would find helpful from him.

I once read parenting is only tough for good parents so if that's the case, you sound like you're doing a great job and I hope things get easier soon x