To feel this way

[postitnote900]

Need some advice, I’m in uncharted territory right now.

I had a serious row with DP about 2 weeks ago and my mind set has fundamentally changed. A lot of things had built up to the point of this row, however I think this row has made me snap...

I feel like I’ve had an epiphany and have accepted that me and DC will always be secondary in his life. His “real” family are his siblings and parents and I am the villain in his story.

Crazy part is that as a result of this, I’ve decided that I don’t want to LTB. It sounds illogical I know but I considered the following:

If I LTB then my position doesn’t change. It’s still me and the DC but with less resources. Whereas if I don’t LTB then it’s still me and DC but at least I won’t have financial worries and an upheaval in my life.

I worked damned hard all of my life to get us to where we are (not super wealthy but comfortable). He did about 10% but I was the one who researched, planned and executed.

Ultimately he is reaping the rewards of my labour and I don’t see why I have to give up our lifestyle for him. I should be able to enjoy the fruits of my labour, not him and by extension his family.

I’ve informed him that as much as I’d love to LTB I just won’t. I told him that I’m happy to keep it civil and polite as you would with a coworker. We are no longer partners. We should consider ourselves something akin to coparents. He has reciprocated.

I don’t know his reason for agreeing nor do I care.

The issue is that being civil and polite is proving to be incredibly difficult. I don’t even feel like talking to him so we just avoid each other (no unpleasantness just ignoring). The atmosphere is tense and I worry how that will affect DC. There are even times I want to concede just to return to normality but then I remember how we got here.

My heart is hurting and I don’t know what I’m doing.

I think you need to move on, for your sanity, and for the kids to not see your relationship as normal.
I’m very like you. I wanted to leave two years ago but he said he’d change etc, and why should I leave when I’m comfortable financially. He does DIY etc whereas I’d have to pay someone.
But I’ve had enough of the skid marks on the undies and the wee on the toilet rim. I’m not going to clean up after him any more. I’ve got 25 years left hopefully, and I’m not going to do it any more.
I might be lonely when we split, but I’m lonely in the marriage anyway. The kids might take his side, well there you go, I’ll go out and get a life. My marriage right now is two people living together. There’s no love, we don’t sleep in the same room, it’s over.

How long do you expect him to stay in that tense atmosphere?

I'm not making any judgement either way, but your logic for staying is that you're financially better off with him there. Nobody's going to stay in an atmosphere like that for long unless there's a positive reason for them to, so it seems to me that the current state will result in you losing those resources anyway...except possibly with less control over the outcome.

Also, his reasons for agreeing may actually be very relevant to that outcome. Understanding them may help you prepare for what's next.

Basically, might be a good idea to plan for being single in the near future (and a strategy for getting there without losing too much), regardless of whether it's your ideal scenario or not.

How many years do you expect to be able to live like that? It’s not fair on anyone realistically.

Be careful that he’s not hiding assets, as he’s so agreeable. They go back 12 months on bank accounts. He might be biding his time.