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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me we're not that unusual, no *adult time* for a while

27 replies

mommyslikechocolate · 30/07/2023 21:38

DH and I are currently away with the DC. Just a small UK break. I was hoping tonight that we could get the kids to bed and could have some intimate time but plans haven't worked out and the kids are still bouncing off the walls after all the fun today (3&4). We haven't been intimate since Christmas, this dry patch started off because the kids were poorly a lot over Christmas, then I got hospitalised for most of January. By the time we all felt well again it was mid feb. Because of feeling so poorly and having such a rough few months I ended up suffering with anxiety and depression and it took until about may before that settled down. My DH then went through a really difficult time, he witnessed someone take their own life and it ended up with him in an emergency room for severe anxiety. He's fine now luckily. Then time just seemed to get away with us with young children and now here we are. I love my Dh. We have a lot of bickering but we always have and that's always been apart of our relationship. However because of the lack of intimacy that's started to feel more prominent now and I'm worrying that we need to get things back on track. We are away for another 4 night and I really do want to have some alone time so I'm hoping that happens and we will feel closer again once it has. Has anyone had anything similar and it all been ok?

OP posts:
Original poster
mommyslikechocolate · 30/07/2023 21:48

Anyone?

OP posts:
SweetPotatoAndPeanutStew · 30/07/2023 21:49

Exactly the same here.

JustAnotherDayWorkingAtHome · 30/07/2023 21:50

We are similar and I’m v conscious we need to sort it

DustyLee123 · 30/07/2023 21:50

Are the kids sleeping in your room ?

CaveMum · 30/07/2023 21:51

I think it’s far more common than people care to admit. Fact is that life with small people is tiring and tough at times, and it’s very easy to get out of the habit.

Ponoka7 · 30/07/2023 21:53

I was seriously ill and I found that honesty about the situation helped. People talk about spontaneity, but I found that our sex life had to be planned when we had young children.

Original poster
mommyslikechocolate · 30/07/2023 21:53

Sorry to hear you are both the same although it is some comfort to know we are not the only ones. We've very easily slipped in to a room mates type of role because we live together and co parent together so well but I really want to get the intimacy back. It's strange because I don't crave intimacy in terms of wanting to rip his clothes off, I love him but I think we need to work on really wanting passion again. I can't imagine the rest of my life without him but I worry that with how things are at the moment once the kids get older we will have lost ourselves if that makes sense?

OP posts:
CorBlimeyGovnr · 30/07/2023 21:55

Yep same. It’s like I don’t have enough time to be sexy at the end of a day. I just want to fall in to bed and go to sleep.

We do go through phases of doing it quite a bit then months of nothing. Been a few months here. 2 young children has done it!

IntheJingelyJangelyJungle · 30/07/2023 21:55

Bless you. Sounds like it’s been a v tough 2023.

Intimacy is hard when kids are bouncing off the walls. Which they often do first few nights of hols!

I think the big positive here is that you are back in frame of mind to want intimacy again. Share your feelings with your partner/ It’s lovely, reaffirming, solidifying for any long partner to hear that you still fancy them. Whisper your feelings once the children eventually drop. Just knowing your partner still fancies you is a big thing, even if circumstances haven’t allowed you to demonstrate it physically.

My husband and I (12yo and 9yo kids) took a while to learn to manage expectations whilst on holidays, after years of holidays before kids where daily intimacy was the norm.

Sharing a family hotel room? Unlikely. Air BnB appt with kids room/ adults room? YES! As long as you check the kids are asleep first 🙈

Now they are older and stay up as late as us some nights I think it’s safe to say holiday sec is no longer the guarantee it once was 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
mommyslikechocolate · 30/07/2023 21:56

@DustyLee123 yes the kids are in the same room, I was hoping we could use the bathroom once they are very soundly asleep but I think it's the thought of them even being in the other room that also puts me off.

@Ponoka7 I have been very honest with him and he understands it as his depression also makes his sex drive low. Before kids our sex life was great but we had to do three years of fertility treatment which meant it became very regimented and that's almost how it feels again now. Hopefully being open and honest about it will help us both

OP posts:
Sandrine1982 · 30/07/2023 21:56

Very similar here. Last time we were intimate was about a month ago during a holiday - and before that- we hadnt had sex in about 6 months. We're also working on it , but DC (suspected ADHD 4 year old) is driving us to the ground :(

CaputDraconis · 30/07/2023 21:59

Been a while for me and my husband and we don't even have the excuse of kids!

Life is tiring! And once you're out if the routine it is hard to get back into it.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 30/07/2023 21:59

It's probably been about a month here, but we've been bickering terribly (outside stresses)
We'll get on track soon.
We aren't generally at it like rabbits anywhere, but normally once a week ish.

The longest we've gone without is probably after my mum died, I can't remember exactly how long it was, but I was clearly not going to be in the mood.

I don't think your spell is wildly unusual, considering what you've had going on OP.

Maybe tomorrow the kids will be more tired! 🤣

CantFindTheBeat · 30/07/2023 22:03

This is very normal, OP.

Not the same for everyone, of course, but lots of couples sex life ebbs and flows based on life situations.

DH and I have been together 25 years. Our sex life has had dry spells over the years / sometimes 6 months or more during rough times, but has really picked up again since the kids have semi moved out for uni.

Now all we have to worry about is the dog!

YukoandHiro · 30/07/2023 22:04

You've had a really tough year. Don't blame yourself.
But it's important that you keep talking about it and both acknowledging that it's not what you want forever etc, otherwise one party can get the wrong idea.
Agree with sex scheduling. When there's been a break the first time is a bit awkward but the relief of reconnecting can bring a huge immediate positive benefit to the relationship IMO

mynameiscalypso · 30/07/2023 22:05

I don't even remember here. Definitely not this calendar year. Small child + very busy work (both) + various health issues (me) means it's bottom of our list. Neither of us care. We'd be having sex because we felt like we should rather than any great desire at the moment.

Original poster
mommyslikechocolate · 30/07/2023 22:07

Thank you so much everybody for reassuring me. I was starting to really worry about it which just put more pressure on things but now I feel more calm about it. We've had a really tough 12 months, as well as the things mentioned in my OP, 1 DC had to have an operation and the other got diagnosed with a life long condition so our minds have been massively preoccupied. I think life has just got in the way of everything and hopefully now we will all be on a better path

OP posts:
Festivfrenzy · 30/07/2023 22:12

Op I totally get you. We have periods like this and my husband gets very fractious about it which pushes me away even more- constant balancing act really. It definitely helps to start talking about it and planning future date nights or whatever, then building up to it gradually. I'm always so shattered at night too but eg. 5/6am I have more energy.
Could you drop kids to someone's for an hour or so to go for "lunch" or "shopping" and then make use of the quiet house? Sometimes it's literally a case of keeping the wolf from the door and others it's just keeping things going - main thing is you're thinking about it and planning it. Also sorry if it's tmi but if you are trying to enjoy a brief moment it really helps kickstart things if you use lube and a buzzer- you'll both enjoy it more if you're really enjoying it. X

Cakeandcoffee93 · 30/07/2023 22:14

Advice for you all- wine,
romantic night and wine.
make the time, stay up late and lose sleep if that’s what you need to reconnect.
you can nap tomorrow.

Luckydog7 · 30/07/2023 22:14

Its been well over a year for us. I've been ill on and off since Christmas with throat issues leading to surgery. Before that my oh had several long boughts of long covid. My youngest is 3 and there's been very little intimacy since she was born, we have just been tired and busy but both agree we would like more. Also my libido vanished for 18months or so when she was born on only wanting it again recently. Gaining weight doesn't help feeling the sexy time too 😫

PeggyPoggle · 30/07/2023 22:17

I wouldn't worry OP I think it's quite normal.
DH and I don't have sex that often. He'd have more sex than me I think but I just can't be arsed most of the time and want to go to bed.

It ebbs and flows. Some weeks it can be twice, then like 3 or 4 weeks before the next. Just depends on energy levels, mood etc.

WhamBamThankU · 30/07/2023 22:23

Me and DP have been known to set an alarm for 4am for a bit of adult time when his DC is here and wakes up early 😂

Pashazade · 30/07/2023 22:26

I would say even if you don't have the energy for sex, maybe flag that to your husband but say you would really love to just have a quiet cuddle. So being physically close but without sex, I think that helps in the dry spells when there is too much other stuff interfering whether it be physical or mental barriers. Plus it's too easy to fall into physically close = sex and that can be very off putting sometimes when actually you just need a comforting touch.

MmmALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 30/07/2023 23:03

We've found we don't need full sex, although it'd be great if we had a weekend away.

Instead we've started to have a hug in the kitchen, then he'll kiss my neck passionately and give me 'that look'. Or I'll give him a hug from behind when he's washing the dishes and let my hands wander just for a few seconds, even just bare hands against his bare chest. I guess it's like flirting with eachother?! It's not much, we bicker alot too, same as you it's just part and parcel of life.

But those little moments have helped to bring us back together after a bad couple of years. I also noticed that I missed just being naked, lying close together. Maybe a cuddle in bed then lay on top of him for a closer cuddle, skin to skin? I had depression and I craved skin to skin more than anything.
Have a little naked snuggle tonight OP. Those couple of minutes might make a difference.

Mayhem3 · 30/07/2023 23:03

Don’t worry about trying to have sex on holiday as chances are it’s not going to happen because the kids are out of their routine.

Wait until you’re back at home and then initiate it.

Do you have anyone who can have them for a sleepover or stay at yours whilst you get a hotel?

I think it’s so much more difficult when you have to keep one ear out for the kids all of the time.