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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

i find my MILs behavior to be quite rude / strange!

24 replies

Summergurl2023 · 30/07/2023 20:24

me and DH are having our first baby. We have only been married 1 year. She basically is being ‘too polité. Which I find a bit strange and fake. She told DH that she only wants to come to the hospital for 10mins to see us and the baby and not want to be a burden to us. But I mean cmon her son is having his first kid. Does she not want to spend more time with us / him and her future grandchild?? After all we are family so why can’t she be more ´open’ or involved towards us. I think my Dh is hurt by this but would never admit it. It was the same for our wedding. They just popped in and popped out after the event. She didn’t want to stay longer and when my side family insisted on hosting them they refused. For the arrival of the baby, my side family will be present and will stay to help out etc. But my MIL wand FIL are so ´distant’. Im starting to think they don’t like me nor my family much. Am I right in assuming so? Could it be cultural?

OP posts:

Letitgonowgr · 30/07/2023 20:26

Your family being present and remaining after the baby is born is more abnormal to me! Maybe they don’t want to be over bearing? Not staying for your wedding is a bit odd though!

MereDintofPandiculation · 30/07/2023 20:35

You don’t need to read MN for long to realise that MILs are perceived very differently from DMs, having to watch their step, never offer advice, be circumspect with presents etc. She’s probably treading on eggshells, would love a closer relationship, but doesn’t want to presume.

Sealover123 · 30/07/2023 20:36

My first thought was that your MIL is trying not to be overbearing and trying to be thoughtful, but the wedding thing is a bit odd...

When you say cultural, are you and DH from different races or countries or something like that?

mnahmnah · 30/07/2023 20:42

Read enough threads in here and you will understand how many people would LOVE their MIL to be like this. She is being very considerate not to crowd you, interfere or be a bother. I’m sure she will love her grandchild and want to spend time with you all. But immediately post-birth is a time for you and DH to bond with baby. You won’t want lots of people around.

LadyDaisy42 · 30/07/2023 20:43

Let's be honest, in laws are always in a no win situation. They can either be seen as too involved and overbearing or too distant and not interested. We're conditioned as a society to tell parents of adult sons that they've to keep their distance and not look too clingy but parents of adult daughters generally get to hang around like a bad smell. Your in laws may just be people who like to keep to themselves, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that and their response shouldn't be compared to that of your own family, everyone is a different personality. I'm certain it doesn't mean they are any less excited about a grandchild arriving.

IhaveanewTVnow · 30/07/2023 20:44

She must be a MN!

Sceptre86 · 30/07/2023 20:45

How would we know if it's cultural since you haven't mentioned the cultures involved? You're having a baby and will have your dh present, how much help do you actually need? If your family want to be on hand to support you then that's fab but maybe your mil just doesn't want to be overbearing. I personally wouldn't have wanted to be surrounded by lots of people when I had my first (that's exactly what did happen), wasn't great for me trying to establish breastfeeding.

If you want a closer relationship with your mil, then speak to her, reach out to her and explain. Many mil's get pushed out in favour of the maternal grandparents maybe she's anticipated that and doesn't want to step.on your toes. I'd reach out to her and explain that you want her to be as involved a grandparent as she wants.

saraclara · 30/07/2023 20:50

She's terrified if you. After a few years on mumsnet I'd be terrified if I was a MIL to a DIL, too. They can't do right for doing wrong, so best not to intrude at all.

I give thanks for having daughters and sons in law every time I visit this site.

StillPerplexed · 30/07/2023 20:52

MereDintofPandiculation · 30/07/2023 20:35

Absolutely cosign the above. It's not that she doesn't like you, she's trying to be considerate. Just have an open conversation about what level of interaction/support you're comfortable with. As it stands, you're both second guessing each other and getting it wrong.

Ginola2345 · 30/07/2023 20:54

Letitgonowgr · 30/07/2023 20:26

Your family being present and remaining after the baby is born is more abnormal to me! Maybe they don’t want to be over bearing? Not staying for your wedding is a bit odd though!

THIS EXACTLY!!

BiscuitsandPuffin · 30/07/2023 20:58

YANBU there's a middle ground between being distant/aloof and overbearing/enmeshed. Weird that other posters can't see that. YANBU to want a healthy relationship with your MIL.

The thing is, by her being so distant she's still being controlling just as much as if she was overbearing, she still isn't really respecting you or having a healthy relationship with you. She's just avoiding any kind of interaction where she might have an emotion.

As you say, it might be a cultural thing; as you can see from this thread, apparently Brits think this behaviour is not only fine, but desirable.

SausageinaBun · 30/07/2023 20:59

My inlaws try very hard not to be demanding. I know that their own parents acted like it was a competition and got angry if they thought the other set of parents were getting more family time than they were. So that is why they try to be reasonable. I guess that could be cultural - but not in the sense of wider culture, just within the family culture.

mynameiscalypso · 30/07/2023 21:04

The wedding thing is a bit odd (although my DPs left early because they didn't necessarily want to hang around with a bunch of our drunk friends singing along to 90s pop songs) but my parents are otherwise not dissimilar. When my DS was born, they had a 20 min rule on their visits. I said they could stay as long as they wanted but they strictly policed themselves. Even when we went into lockdown, the rule applied to FaceTime conversations despite none of us having anything else to do with our time at all. They've got a bit more relaxed now DS is older but generally won't stay for more than an hour whenever they come over unless it's for a reason (like a birthday lunch or something). It's odd but I've given up trying to argue with them and don't think it's a reflection of whether they like/love me at all!

carrotcakebae · 30/07/2023 21:05

Sounds like the perfect MIL to me . Not in your business and knows her boundaries

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 30/07/2023 21:09

The thing is, by her being so distant she's still being controlling just as much as if she was overbearing, she still isn't really respecting you or having a healthy relationship with you.

Eh? How can it possibly be “controlling” to keep a respectful distance? What’s to stop the OP and her husband actively inviting his family to be more involved - you know, actually communicating?

Sometimes I think I wouldn’t be a MIL for all the tea in China.

Hankunamatata · 30/07/2023 21:12

Mil really can't win.

saraclara · 30/07/2023 21:16

The thing is, by her being so distant she's still being controlling just as much as if she was overbearing, she still isn't really respecting you or having a healthy relationship with you.

Good grief. The mental gymnastics that some people will do to find a way for a MIL to be wrong.

Smittenkitchen · 30/07/2023 21:22

I think this is a bit more than just a MIL who'd love to have a close relationship with the couple just trying not to overstep. They "popped in and out again" of the bloody wedding! OP to me it sounds like they're just a bit odd, I don't think it's much to do with you.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 30/07/2023 22:26

Who knows what “popped in” means? OP also states that her family “insisted” on hosting her in-laws, but the in-laws refused… maybe they find the whole family a bit overbearing and stepped back a bit.

Saoirse82 · 30/07/2023 22:41

YABU.

You only need to see the threads on here to know that it's impossible to get it right if you're an IL.

I love my in laws and we have a great relationship. MIL isn't perfect, sometimes she drives me nuts but overall we're great friends. I could never treat her like some of the ILs are treated on here! Even though I'm closer to my own mum I treat them the same and the door is always open to both.

I'm grateful I have DDs. I worry for my sister with two sons after I see these threads.

saraclara · 30/07/2023 23:17

She told DH that she only wants to come to the hospital for 10mins to see us and the baby and not want to be a burden to us.

So she's explained her reasoning. Instead of being hurt, why did your DH not say "but you won't be a burden at all...we'd love to have you visit for longer" and reassure get that they're not over stepping?

GG1986 · 30/07/2023 23:23

Are they English?

JudgeRudy · 30/07/2023 23:51

I don't understand why you find her behaviour 'fake'. It seems pretty consistent so I'd guess they/she are more introverted than you/your parents. It's interesting that you say they refused your parents offer at your wedding. Why refused rather than declined. Surely they'd only need to refuse if your parents/you insisted or ordered rather than offered.
You also seem to be judging your husbands behavior too. He's not expressed anything yet you are convinced he's hurt. I'm sure he's very much aware of the differences but hurt?
Or is he being fake too

DillyDallyingAllDay · 31/07/2023 00:27

This sounds like cultural differences to me If your family is a different culture to your partners.
Is it possibility that MIL has said 10 minutes to be polite- she wants your partner to say 'oh don't be silly, you're welcome to stay as long as you want'? Maybe she wants to visit properly when your family aren't around so as not to impose? Or if it's her first grandchild she doesn't know what's appropriate and is putting it out there that she wants to see the baby but will only be quick so as not to overstep etc. the politeness is likely coming from a place of 'give them space to bond with baby etc' which seems a commonplace request but is certainly not the norm in a lot of more eastern cultures.

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