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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just venting

43 replies

DamnitImTired · 30/07/2023 19:48

My BIL (I’ve posted before about him) got paid out a relatively big insurance claim on a health issue. We took the policy out for him when he was employed by us. He never had any provisions of his own, savings or otherwise, so he is very lucky.

He is healthy and well physically now but isn’t a fan of working and hasn’t had a job since his became well again and hasn’t actually applied himself to getting one either.

Just found out today via relatives who he has been hounding for a loan that he has invested and lost his whole payout in a crypto scam.

I am livid and angry and desperately disappointed in him. This is just another chapter in the self inflicted tragedy of his life. Bad decision after bad decision after bad decision. I am actually in tears at his stupidity and so desperate for my husband who now again has a middle aged brother to support. I thought this money that he got would give us a bit of breathing space to not have to worry about him but he just seems to have a way of always fucking it up.

Just a vent.

OP posts:
Original poster
DamnitImTired · 31/07/2023 14:50

What kind of a mental health issue could this be?
I just think he is a complete dickhead and these people walk around amongst us all the time and I’ve unfortunately married his brother. But people keep talking about pscychiatric problems. What could present like this? He has had a similar vein run through his whole life. Whether it be falling in love with some girl on the internet (who I showed him was using stock photos), to believing he can procure a ship full of goods to resell here through a Russian he met online…. Come on.

And he hates me by the way. I think because I’m always the one putting a dampener on his plans. Like showing him all the scam reports.

But he is literally going to be homeless on the streets of South Africa in a few weeks.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 31/07/2023 14:55

he is literally going to be homeless on the streets of South Africa in a few weeks

Let him, or walk away from your marriage. It's not your responsibility if he ends up like this.

You can't keep enabling this idiot. If you do it's literally for the rest of his entire life. Where's the line in the sand?

ThreeLittleDots · 31/07/2023 14:57

Where is your survival instinct

Has he ever had to REALLY use it, knowing that there is nobody to bail him out?

Original poster
DamnitImTired · 31/07/2023 15:08

Has he ever had to REALLY use it, knowing that there is nobody to bail him out?

I’m not sure. His rock bottom and my rock bottom are two different places. I would say right now he is fucked and yet he is still sitting in his house waiting for something. He is not out there trying to make a plan. He is literally sitting on his couch.

ps. He also has a medical condition which resulted in him not working for us any longer (this is another story) for which we paid him out a heap of money. He is well enough now to work (just not for us) but he needs medication daily. His condition is completely manageable and people walk around leading very normal lives with it. Just another concern to add to our list of worries, how does he pay for his medication? Us of course! Because that would be terrible of us not to and it would be part of the minimum I am prepared to do. But for gods sake, why must I worry about his health and how he affords to look after it and he doesn’t????

OP posts:
Allhailkingcharlie · 31/07/2023 15:10

Vent away. I have a sibling who constantly makes the wrong choices in life. I've washed my hands of them now. Even though I am civil, I do not help out emotionally or financially anymore. But I know it's not as easy as that. It's been a slow process for me.

Original poster
DamnitImTired · 31/07/2023 15:13

Vent away. I have a sibling who constantly makes the wrong choices in life. I've washed my hands of them now. Even though I am civil, I do not help out emotionally or financially anymore. But I know it's not as easy as that. It's been a slow process for me.

Thank you. It is such a vent. He missed a family funeral today because I just couldn’t bare to give him a lift. It would not have been a safe space for either of us. I am livid! Ironically no one else was able to give him a lift either and nobody except one person asked us where he was.

OP posts:
Original poster
DamnitImTired · 31/07/2023 15:15

He didn’t ask for a lift. But I didn’t offer either knowing full well he doesn’t have transport.

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 31/07/2023 15:16

What kind of a mental health issue could this be?
No idea tbh. It could be deep depression causing self sabotage.
It could be an over inflated sense of worth.
It could be he doesn't have a grasp of reality.
It could be narcissistic traits.
He could just be a plain dickhead.

But if he won't seek medical help, or work, or anything, then you have two choices.

  1. Have a grown man as your permanent tantrumming toddler who bleeds you dry and wrecks your marriage and both your/DH mental health or
  2. Let him taste the reality. If he gets kicked out of lodgings then let him deal with finding some where new. It might buck his ideas up if he sees you have boundaries. Of course it might not but I wager a month or two without you might make him wake up.

Then target your support so he can self help. If he seeks out a gp by himself and gets a diagnosis but can't afford the meds, then that's different to handing over cash and saying go to a doctor.

There is a saying. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Original poster
DamnitImTired · 31/07/2023 15:19

There is a saying. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Thank you for a your message. I’m going ti use some of your words to my husband to make myself sound less like a raging lunatic and more like someone with a sensible plan!

OP posts:
stayathomer · 31/07/2023 15:26

No help op but I just think you and dh ante very honourable. Like you say, easy to say go nc etc but sometimes hammering someone further into the ground doesn’t make them see sense and want to help themselves. We had a relative that surprised us- after years of craziness, unemployment and no goals in life, she suddenly went back to college aged 44, excelled and now has a brilliant job and is helping her dm out with bills, paying back debts etc. it was literally the biggest shock ever and I try not to say the proud of you thing too much in case she thinks we judged her (which yes, we did as we’ve all had to pay for stuff over the years) but I do tell her she’s kickass and amazing because she is.

Original poster
DamnitImTired · 31/07/2023 15:31

stayathomer · 31/07/2023 15:26

No help op but I just think you and dh ante very honourable. Like you say, easy to say go nc etc but sometimes hammering someone further into the ground doesn’t make them see sense and want to help themselves. We had a relative that surprised us- after years of craziness, unemployment and no goals in life, she suddenly went back to college aged 44, excelled and now has a brilliant job and is helping her dm out with bills, paying back debts etc. it was literally the biggest shock ever and I try not to say the proud of you thing too much in case she thinks we judged her (which yes, we did as we’ve all had to pay for stuff over the years) but I do tell her she’s kickass and amazing because she is.

That’s wonderful and both my dh and I have tried every approach from being kind and supportive and inclusive to NC.

Im just a bitch now. There has just been too much for me.

OP posts:
70Cats · 31/07/2023 16:35

Hunger will be good for him, help him lose weight. No transport will be good for his health. No food, no transport, no roof over his head. It will be the making of him. Why is your husband so afraid of the shame? It’s not his shame. Just tell peoples it’s how his brother wants to live. It’s his human right to be a complete dick head.

stayathomer · 31/07/2023 20:38

DamnitImTired
You seem like the least bitch of a bitch (iykwim!) ever. Hope things get easier for you all. As people would say on mn, you sound lovely 🌺

Original poster
DamnitImTired · 01/08/2023 06:42

Thank you for kind words. You’ve actually made me cry this morning. I’ve been feeling like a terrible person for having such bad thoughts about someone I’m supposed to care about.

Exacerbated by the fact that it looks like his 22yo daughter has blocked me and my husband from messaging her. It’s her birthday today and I’ve sent her a message and will pop a card into her post box later. I’ve left her out of this story on purpose but yesterday when I spoke to him I threatened to phone her and let her know what was going on with him to protect her from lending money to her dad. She has just started her first job and I’m besides myself that she is going to give him money out of love and ignorance. Looks like he has made sure I don’t let her know. Her loyalty for him would override common sense and he needs a villain in his life and it’s us, ironically the only people who have the means to help him.

OP posts:
TrundleWheel76 · 01/08/2023 07:38

Allhailkingcharlie · 31/07/2023 15:10

Vent away. I have a sibling who constantly makes the wrong choices in life. I've washed my hands of them now. Even though I am civil, I do not help out emotionally or financially anymore. But I know it's not as easy as that. It's been a slow process for me.

I'm the same. I've changed my attitude towards my sibling recently after a string of aggressive, nasty text and WhatsApp messages. Now I'm just civil.

My sibling has no qualifications, a criminal record, failed relationships and a terrible, nasty bad temper with a hair trigger.

Not my problem anymore.

TrundleWheel76 · 01/08/2023 07:42

OP
You sound lovely and really caring about your family.

There is nothing you can do to help your BIL. Everything you do to try and help will be wrong. You need to take a step back from this awful situation.

My situation is similar, my sibling also has a child who I love. It's the main reason I haven't cut all ties.

Dombasle · 01/08/2023 07:55

I would provide a meal for him once a day and nothing more.

Allhailkingcharlie · 01/08/2023 12:53

I've also noticed that since I've not helped financially, as I've had to, they don't really contact me that much.

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