Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

My clothes

45 replies

Sarahmay420 · 30/07/2023 14:20

My husband (28) and I (21) went out today and while we were out he started acting strange and not really talking to me. I asked him what was wrong a few times and he said nothing, then eventually told me he’s angry about the way I’m dressed. I was wearing baggy jeans and a full length t-shirt, he didn’t like that my t shirt was tight and not baggy and feels like I’m showing off my body and drawing attention to it. Before we met I used to wear skinny jeans and crop tops but he didn’t like that so I stopped wearing them and started wearing baggy jeans and full length tops and jumpers, however he wants me to wear tops and jumpers that cover my bum also - I only own one top like this. He saw me get ready this morning as we live together and he didn’t say anything to me while we were at home or on the way there. I also wear this outfit all the time to work and he never says anything about it so I was confused and felt like he was trying to argue for no reason. When we got home he was very angry and shouting at me for having a face like I was the victim and giving him attitude and not saying sorry. He’s not speaking to me now until I say sorry but I don’t see why I should apologise, I didn’t do it to upset him I just don’t have any other clothes and can’t afford to buy a new wardrobe right now which he knows. If he would’ve had a conversation with me instead of just shouting at me I would’ve said sorry but he isn’t interested in hearing what I have to say otherwise and thinks he’s right regardless.
This situation might sound bad but 99% of the time our relationship is great and we don’t argue.
AIBU to apologise to get rid of the tension in the house?

OP posts:

Olderandolder · 30/07/2023 15:51

ThatFraggle · 30/07/2023 14:44

I know people jump on it, but age gaps are often because he knew only a younger, inexperienced woman would put up with his BS. How old were you when you started dating?

Crumbs. Good insight. Wish I’d worked that out.

Screamingabdabz · 30/07/2023 15:52

This is NOT what a normal relationship looks like op. Please leave if you can. Find a partner who treats you with respect.

Dombasle · 30/07/2023 15:54

You were dressed modestly.

You know that, I know that, we all know that except for your husband who wants to make you second guess yourself and feel anxious.

You will end up dressing to please him until you are fully covered up with just your eyes peeping out and then he will move on to something else, perhaps how you walk is suggestive.

It isn't about what you're wearing, it's about him making you do as he says.

He is seeing what he can't get away with at the moment but it will get worse until you are just an empty shell of a person who's only purpose in life is to please him.

Pugdogmom · 30/07/2023 15:55

GarlicGrace · 30/07/2023 14:25

99% of the time our relationship is great and we don’t argue.

Is this because you're always trying to anticipate his needs & doing what he wants, by any chance?

Nail/ head. My previous partner was controlling and abusive, and I did stuff to avoid the arguments.
OP run for the hills. I was same age as you, and can tell you from bitter experience that it only gets worse. Don't be like me and waste 13 years of your life ( and 2 kids later), on an abusive controlling man. Get out now!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/07/2023 16:00

Leave now.

This is a horrible controlling man, and not a healthy relationship.

It will get 100 times worse if you ever have children

urbanbuddha · 30/07/2023 16:01

It isn't about what you're wearing, it's about him making you do as he says.

^This.

You need to leave. Don’t tell that you’re leaving. That can make a controlling man worse. But you need to leave.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Coercive control - Women’s Aid

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

neverbeenskiing · 30/07/2023 16:01

Have a read of this, OP

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/coercive-control/

I would be willing to bet that if he tries to control what you wear, he controls other aspects of your life too.

Coercive Control - Refuge

Coercive control is used by abusers in a variety of ways, this can be anything from controlling someone's finances to isolating someone from their friends and family. This kind of behaviour is a form of domestic abuse and we can help you spot the signs...

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/coercive-control

poppitypop1 · 30/07/2023 16:02

Yabu for tolerating this ridiculous behaviour. It's one thing to say something doesn't suit you (if true) whilst leaving someone to decide whether they want to wear it anyway. It's quite another dictate (verbally/actions) what someone wears. His behaviour is unacceptable.

user1471556818 · 30/07/2023 16:05

This unacceptable behaviour from him .No-one should be treated like this .please please don't get anymore trapped in a relationship with him

CherryMaDeara · 30/07/2023 16:09

You know this is wrong, so why are you putting up with it?

Apologising may seem the easier option but every time you apologise you make him stronger and yourself weaker.

Leave him, he will never change, and will get even more abusive after marriage and kids when he has you trapped for real.

LakieLady · 30/07/2023 16:10

This is unbelievably controlling, and it will get worse. Soon, it won't be just what you wear, it will be where you go, who you speak to and before you know it he will be dictating how you spend every waking minute of your life.

Get out now, if you can, and speak to Women's Aid if you can't.

continentallentil · 30/07/2023 16:12

Oh OP this is really bad - men like this only get worse.

Don't apologise - push back hard and say you don't want any more comments, ever, on how you dress.

But realistically you will probably have to leave this one, because he is likely an irretrievable dick. Do not, whatever you do, get pregnant.

LookItsMeAgain · 30/07/2023 16:16

Start commenting about the clothes he wears. You only like him wearing X or Y. See if he changes his wardrobe just on a comment. Oh, and run for the hills & don't bring children in to this situation.

painterpete121 · 30/07/2023 16:21

Hi Sarah may I'm a hot blooded male and had a long relationship and always complimented the effort and the way she looks and was very proud to be next to her wether it's somewhere private or public you should be with your partner admiring them and be lucky enough to have found a beautiful person to share your moments and memories with.I don't know if you have been together long but you have to be careful I've worked in a few pubs in London a while back and it's horrible to see like looking through a window and seeing what someone is really like and that word is controlling and trust me it might only be little things or doesn't happen often but it will get worse and wouldn't advise you to stay in a relationship where you are controlled he should be looking at you and have love in his eyes and not anger or disgust in your appearance it's started with your clothing then you will have to keep covered all the time he's not secure in the relationship and that is ingredients for disaster do the right thing and move on now please don't be one of those lovely ladies that I see with no life and frightened

PriamFarrl · 30/07/2023 16:23

How old were you when you got married? 21 is very young. Get out now while you can and before you have children.

WonderingWanda · 30/07/2023 16:26

We're what you like and ditch this one who is already starting to control you. My dh, together since we were teenagers would never dream of telling me what I could and couldn't wear. He would not feel threatened by me looking a particular way or wearing a style of clothing. He doesn't get jealous if I talk to men or go out without him because we have trust and respect for one another.

autienotnaughti · 30/07/2023 16:37

Nobody has the right to tell you what to wear , how to act or how to feel.

This is classic abuse. He berates you for how you look and blames you for making him angry.

The reality is he's an insecure dickhead who feels more like a man if he belittles the person he claims to love.

You need to end this, it will only get worse

BHRK · 30/07/2023 16:39

I pressed yanbu by mistake. Get out while you can, this is extremely controlling behaviour. Doesn’t this scare you?

Canidoitreally · 30/07/2023 16:50

Olderandolder · 30/07/2023 14:27

OMG that comment hits home!

Show quote history

This. 99% of the time things were great with my ex, because 99% of the time I went along with what he wanted. Which, tbf was usually what I wanted too as we agreed on most things.

The 1% of the time I wanted to do something else he was a controlling jerk. It's your body, you don't sound inappropriately dressed.

UsingChangeofName · 30/07/2023 17:22

I'm going to presume that 27% have currently voted YANBU because they didn't get to the end of the OP, and your specific question asking if YABU to apologise to keep the peace, and they have voted YANBU for wearing what you like.

Surely 27% of people can't actually think that, otherwise ?

Not sure if it is worth me repeating what everyone else has said about his controlling behaviour.
Not sure how you have ended up married at 21, but PLEASE do not let that stop you from breaking away from this behaviour before you get even deeper into this man's emotional abuse.

Flip

1 2