AIBU to think that loneliness is inescapable for most people

[Ridingaroundonbuses]

That whatever your circumstances in terms of being married etc. that loneliness is just part of life?

I agree. Though of course there are degrees.

Why do you think this op?

Do you mean as an occasional feeling, or as a general state of being most of the time?

No, I don't think it is. What makes you think that/feel that way?

Hi,

I have posted before about my situation but would be grateful for any new advice.

I am male and tried posting on Reddit but thought I may get better responses here.

My situation:

Early 40s, struggle with anxiety (have done since teenager), good friends (albeit don’t see them much as they have families/partner), great family, decent job, own home, generally seem to be well liked.

But, I am lost and have periods of sadness/emptiness.

I am close to parents and spend time at their home despite having my own place. I like my place but when I stay there (4 nights a week), it feels like a holiday and I am then going home, usually for the weekend. I stay up late, eat rubbish, become slobbish…..

I have very, very little experience romantically.

Basically, I think I am comfortable (in some ways) and scared to change/grow. It feels like a mountain. And it seems everyone my age has achieved (family etc) although realistically I know this is not true and many have problems etc.

Not sure what I am looking for. Some advice/encouragement, I guess.

Thanks!

Sorry posted here by mistake….

Just put yourself out there. Get on some dating websites. It'll be daunting at first but there is somebody else out there in the same boat who you'd click with in all probability. They're probably saying the same thing right now.

I’ve never felt lonely in my life. Quite the opposite in fact; I just want to be left alone!

Spent my childhood in parent mode and now have ND children and working FT so have always been needed by people. Would love to not be needed, just for a while, to be able to live my life based on my wants and needs rather than other people’s.

Similarly I’ve said plenty of times that I am never bored, ever. If I have nothing to do, I am relaxed, not bored!

So to answer your question, no, I think it’s a matter of perspective. I am never lonely (or bored!). If I ever end up living alone and pleasing myself (which I can’t see happening) I would appreciate the freedom.

I'm alone nearly all the time. It's not a choice - I'm gregarious by nature - but a result of circumstances. But I am very rarely lonely. Sometimes, yes: as you say, it's part of being human! I have a lot of what some call inner resources, am interested in all sorts of things, and enjoy my own company.

I'm a single Mum, not working and am alone a lot of the time. People often ask if I'm lonely or bored but I'm really not. I'm the sort that doesn't answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone or a delivery. I don't answer the phone a lot of the time. I love being on my own. I have friends that I see a few times a month and that's plenty for me. I also have a dog who I walk every day and meet up with a group of other dog walkers sometimes. I can be very sociable when I'm in the mood but it's not often, lol. I love researching things and learning and am currently enrolled to start a new course, in person, not online. Maybe you feel unfulfilled, lacking direction or goals - that can make you feel empty, maybe?

I'm extremely lonely... I'm a disabled widowed parent to a child with Autism who despises leaving the house and likes nothing more than playing Minecraft upstairs on her own... Day in, day out, I'm on my own as I have zero friends - unsurprisingly. The only family I have left is my mum but she gets sick of speaking to me every single day so I get an adult conversation 3/4 times a week and that is literally IT. Except for Mumsnet.

I cry myself to sleep every night. I'm only 38 and I feel like an isolated elderly widow

I don't agree because I really value having my own space and don't feel lonely in it

Someone told me it's a basic human need to see ourselves reflected by others.
I got her point, and disagree with it.
I think loneliness may be that feeling we aren't sure we exist, or who we are, without others to reflect us.
I've learned to reflect myself.

It’s interesting how often you get this type of generalising question thread on here. ‘Everyone’s lonely, aren’t they?’ or ‘Life is shit for most people, isn’t it?’ or ‘Ideal partners don’t exist, right?’. People seem unable or unwilling to say ‘I’m lonely’, ‘I’m unhappy’ or ‘I’m not happy in my relationship’, they want it confirmed that everyone feels the same.

mmmm...well I am married with 2 wonderful DC. I very rarely feel lonely really.

I do sometimes feel alone, as in I realise I'm the only me in the whole world and nobody really knows me like I do. And sometimes that feels overwhelming and maybe, briefly lonely. But largely sometimes it can be a positive, humbling feeling.

Since I love my own company (I have many flaws, but I still like being around myself!!), I don't think loneliness as such, really features in my life most of the time.

That's normal, I think, @BurntWindowcleaner. The quick answer to "Am I the most repugnant, awful or miserable person in the world?" is "Nah, loads of people feel like that!" It's reassuring.

@AlfietheSchnauzer - I rarely say this but I feel like I want to give you a hug! Are there any support groups in your area for parents of ASD kids? My own DC is diagnosed ASD and I found a lot of support talking to other parents.
@GarlicGrace - you are absolutely right. I do a lot of self reflection, don't need others to do that. I don't often ask for help or opinions anyway as I know myself and my situation best. It's not being conceited, it's being real.

Depends upon your personality type and your individual circumstances, in my opinion.

I was very lonely in my marriage, despite having a busy life, children, husband, endless visitors and so on. Desperately lonely.

Once I was divorced and the children left home, no. I have discovered I like the freedom of being able to live life my way, choose who I make friends with and so on.
I'm also quite happy with my own company as well as that of friends and over time, have come to realise that I do not need or want a long-term partner in my life. I haven't felt lonely for years now....

You have to learn to like your own company. Covid, and having a lot of people hurt me over the years, helped me enjoy it.

I think it might make me a better friend too, as I'm less intense about friendships now I'm not so obsessed with the idea of them.

No I don't think it is. I never felt lonely till I had children. People say you can never be lonely if you have children but I've found it very lonely/ isolating

Surely most people will feel it at some stage? Unpopular as a child, moving to a new city for uni or work, mat leave with first baby, off on long term sick, friends move away while you were too busy to notice, common or garden retirement and old age.

Takes a brave person to say they never feel lonely because isn't there a "yet" hanging silently above them?

Agree you can train your perspective and everyone should but loneliness is an evolved survival trait at the end of the day so if you're in a vulnerable position chances are you're going to get the feeling.

But nothing is forever, good or bad.

@ForestGoblin For me OP was implying that it's to some extent a permanent part of everyone's life.

I've had a lot of loneliness in my life but God willing I'm over most of it now. I suppose I'll probably get it at some point in the future too, though, perhaps after a bereavement for instance.

I suppose some people do grapple with it in an ongoing way, even if just the fear of it rather than the actual feeling.

Yep I did used to. It can be a trait of some mental illnesses, that someone isn't content in their own company at all etc.