Small child in flat and downstairs neighbours.

[labradoodledoodle]

Seriously, AIBU or do I overthink this way too much?

Me, my partner and our 2,5 year DS live in a first floor flat. Not long after I moved in, so this is 5 years ago now, the lady who lives downstairs caught me one day outside to tell me that we should walk around more quietly because it’s disturbing her and called me specifically “ a heavy walker”. As I just moved in and it was the first time I saw her I just said OK. Later I told that to just ignore her because she’s been bothering him for ages about every little noise and keep complaining to the HA. Once she even came upstairs because my partner was “chopping tomatoes too loud” according to her.

So all these 5 years she’s been complaining to HA and they of course have a duty to inform us, just a informal chat, no warnings or anything. And we never had loud parties, music, just normal everyday sounds.
I kinda understand her as well to the extent because the house we live in is frankly shit and made out of cardboard. We can hear everything upstairs, the baby crying, talking..

Ok so back to my original thing - now when we have DS most of the days I find it almost stressing to keep the noise down. I constantly have to tell him not to jump, run, throw heavy things on floor. You know, active kids stuff. I mean… if I lived downstairs I also wouldn’t want to listen to kid running or jumping excited all day but can I let kid be a kid? I try to be understanding to other people around me, that’s like common sense to me I guess.
AIBU for trying to be “nice” and don’t let my kid annoy someone under us?

What sort of flooring do you have? If a hard floor, then I would suggest insulating the floor more with either rugs or carpets.

Houses are for living, and toddlers run round. If the neighbour doesn't like the noise of living a normal life then they should move into a bungalow!

To me, if someone's going to complain about veg getting chopped too loudly, I wouldn't care about their opinion ever, ever again.

I wouldn't throw loud parties as revenge or anything, but wouldn't try to curtail normal family noises at all. I'd keep my own little diary of the neighbour's whinging as well - "04/08/23 - Ms Jones complained that toddler made too much noise running from bedroom to lounge".

Carpeting instead of hard floors is the only accommodation you need to make. All the other things are reasonable normal family life, the HA should not even be telling you if she's complaining about these. If she doesn't like the normal levels of noise then she needs to move.

Tell the HA that you’re happy to have the woman’s harassment documented, and please continue, but there’s no need to have further chats about it, you find them unproductive and stressful. They need to stop their tenant harassing you.
I’ve been the downstairs neighbour in a non soundproofed old building, it was utter hell. So I moved.

We have a carpet only in the living room and on top of that is one of those foam puzzle carpets for kids. But still if he decide to jump a few times up and down feels like the whole floor is shaking , even for us.
One of those times when my DP was talking to the housing he told them very clear that they can come and install carpets or whatever insulation they want, because he’s not gonna spend a penny because like I said it’s been going on for years and he’s sick of her. Their answer was “ we will look into it” which means it ain’t gonna happen.

I think you are starting to sound pretty unreasonable now. I personally don't agree that running, jumping and throwing heavy things around is a normal part of living when you are in a flat with downstairs neighbours. As you know your floors are making a lot of noise and are not covered, you should be making a bit more of an effort. And if you are fed up with five years of complaints, imagine how they must be feeling.

I’ve got a couple upstairs who have their grandkids every weekend. They run, jump and bang around all day. I don’t care

op, you may not get an accurate response bcos of the way you posted your AIBU

Im sorry you are going through this, it sounds stressful and you sound like you really have tried but I think you need to be careful with telling your toddler to be quiet all the time, it can have a detrimental effect to the way he develops. Having someone constantly telling him he needs to be quiet and potentially thinking there is a problem with him or that is how he needs to behave etc.

I wouldn’t do this at the expense of this neighbour m. He is a child and you are being considerate but your toddler can only be so quiet

Some sort of noise should be expected .However I think if someone comes upstairs to complain about chopping veg it sounds quite mad! HA surely have a duty to provide some sort of carpet if the floor needs it? Also why do they keep telling you about it? Surely they should work a solution out themselves ?

If you're both housing association can't they swap you?

Why is he running and jumping in a flat ?

You need to set boundaries as this isn't actually ok

She sounds utterly ridiculous and I’d probably disregard the complaints of someone who thought that stating someone was chopping tomatoes too loudly was a valid complaint.
Hearing your neighbours is part and parcel of flat living. Absolutely ensure your son isn’t hooning about, bouncing off the walls, but don’t feel you need to curb normal household sounds.

I’d be reasonable (put carpets down, not have running about after say 8ish) but other than that I’d just let the kids go about their day as normal and I wouldn’t be chasing around after them telling them off all day. Normal noise (walking, a bit of running and jumping etc for kids) is absolutely to be expected and she shouldn’t have bought a a downstairs flat if she couldn’t cope with it. If she complains tell her that you’re behaving reasonably and doing nothing wrong, you don’t intend change your habits and so it’s for her to decide what to do next.

So how do I explain to 2 year old that

“No, don’t jump excited when the Numberblocks come on TV”

“No, don’t throw ball down the corridor at the middle of the day and run after it laughing”

“No, don’t run and scream happy when Daddy comes home from work and you’re excited to see him”

Basically walk slowly in a straight line and don’t make any noise?
What kind of life is that?

I have 4 kids and they don't run or jump in the house. An excited bounce every now and then but they get told not to do it all the time. They can jump, run and yell outside.

I think they should be having a word with her. Not you.

Since your child is a toddler I take it the noise is mainly during the day. Possibly early evening ish time. Children playing and you living your normal life. Comes under normal living noises. Especially during them times .

Have a look on your council website sometimes there is information about noise complaints. I will try find my one and show you what I mean

Found them . Thus is lying council though I should imagine its similar. But just Google your council abd noise complaints. And hopefully it will give you some information.

I’ve had various neighbours upstairs over the years. Some are very heavy walkers and others I don’t hear at all. I would hear them chopping fruit for their smoothies but it is over in 5 mins so no problem. Heavy, thudding footsteps and jumping, door slamming and people not taking their shoes off really irritates. I would put your energy into asking the HA for sound proofing, even if just in one room, maybe the sitting room where the kids play.

You need to insulate your floors with carpet. Or huge thick rugs. I really is the only way

If you “constantly” have to tell him not to run, jump or throw heavy things then it’s not occasional examples like a TV show coming on or dad coming home. If it’s constant then I’m not surprised the neighbour is upset. You said it yourself - you can hear everything above you.

I’ve been the neighbour and it’s miserable having no control over it and it not being your children.

That's nice. Presumably "outside" for OP's two year old is twelve foot off the ground, in mid air.

I lived like this for years and it was torture. I was constantly anxious about my young kids making noise incase next door banged on the wall or came round. In the end I just gave up trying to please them and let my kids be kids. They weren't allowed to make a lot of noise before 8am and they were in bed for 7pm. They weren't noisy kids anyway and I never let them be crazy or anything! I could also hear the neighbours all the time too because the walls were so thin, I could literally hear them sneeze! They hosted dinner parties until 12am but I never said anything?! The next time the neighbours came round because 'the banging was unbearable' (my toddlers were just playing with their toys) I just told them "I am living in my home and my children are playing as children should be, if it's bothering you by all means continue complaining to the council or find somewhere else to live with no neighbours" they did complain a few more times (once because they could hear my hairdryer!) but the council said it was regular household noise and they wouldn't get involved. The neighbours soon stopped. You cannot live in fear or anxiousness in your own home, your quality of life will be shit.

I've lived with very loud children in upstairs flat and it is awful. but I never complained to them. If you have days at home with him I'd be trying to get out as much as possible so he can expend energy in a park/playground/softplay. And surely other days he's at childcare if you work.