To want to cut my dad out of my life?

[TreatYoBookShelf]

Hello everyone…

This is my first post to Mumsnet after being a longtime lurker so please be gentle (it’s also a pretty long post)

I am 32 years old. I have a boyfriend and we own a house together, 80 miles away from my dad.

Growing up my dad had depression and didn’t work, he spent most of his day at the end of the kitchen table, smoking. My mum did everything within the household. Cleaning, cooking etc.

My dads depression became quite severe when I was in my late teens, it escalated when I was in my early 20’s. I just have memories of spending my weekends at uni, going home from uni to hold my mums hand and hear stories about how awful my dad was etc. how depressed he was. He has multiple suicide attempts and my 21st birthday was spent dealing with one of his many overdoses.

My mum passed away 2 years ago (when I was 30) following a stroke, I cared for her along with my sister (24) and dad. Now I am living with a boyfriend who I met just before my mum passed (my second proper boyfriend) We have bought a house together and I can say for the first time in my life I am truly happy.

The problem; my sister is 24 and very immature. She makes up lies for attention and is constantly making out I am the worst person in the world. I have cared for my family for my entire life…always just wanted the best for them. On the other hand my sister is selfish and a pathological liar. As confirmed by teachers, family etc . My dad is now also a hoarder and the entire house is full of junk. He ALSO has late stage heart failure but is in complete denial. My sister does not care about any of this and just wants my dad to leave her to and from her part time job.

The point of this very long post is that tonight I asked my dad if he told my sister to contact me (after months of no contact) just so I could hear from her and find out how she is. He said no as she was furious at me tidying up the hoard that dad was living in, despite it now becoming a heal the hazard, as some of her precious objects had been thrown out (this is not true). She has made this up to make me out to be the bad guy.

Dad also denied having heart failure and refused to take medication or help himself in anyway. He said he just needed more rest and his health issues would rectify themselves…despite the fact his Dr rang me in a panic saying he wouldn’t be here in a few months if he didn’t take some sort of medical intervention.

As morbid as this is…my parents were awful with money so I had to pay for my mums funeral…I will also have to pay for my dads as well as clean out the hoard.

I am so unbelievably fed up. I just want to cut him off. The problem is that I see this as my normal now… what would you do in this situation? I feel exhausted by my worry for them but they are both so selfish.

Thank you if you’ve read this far! X

I'd cut him out. He sounds worse than my father who left when I was a kid then tried to persuade my mother to make me talk to him thirty years later. You don't need him or your sister draining your energy and money.

Not in the least.

I think you havnt to do what is best for your mental and emotional health. Maybe could you take a little break and see how that feels.

Are you sure it was your dads Dr on the phone, because that would have been them breaking patient confidentiality. As long as your dad has capacity the Dr shouldn't really be contacting anyone else. Its just strange for a Dr to do that with your Dad also denying that he has the condition.

Well I would leave them to it. There’s not much you can do if they are in denial. Why are they your responsibility? Maybe put in a report to Social Services to see if they can support him somehow.

Yes I thought he had died when she first rang me! But I am down as his next of kin and she believes he does not have the capacity to make the best decisions for himself. She sounded so desperate on the phone. Worried that if he didn’t take his medication that he would be dead in a few months “but if we can’t make him change his beliefs maybe you can” i.e. that medicine is the root for all evil

You had all that to deal with all those years and he never changed, why does your sister think (or claim to think) it'll be any different now?

Cut him off. Selfish old man and cut her off too. You've done enough xx

you don't need to pay for his funeral. please look into this and at the very least not carry that burden.

The only way his doctor could discuss his health with you would be if she had arranged an assessment via social services to remove his capacity, and even then he would have an appointee to contact you and ask if you would take on the various legal responsibilities etc.
If his funeral needs paying for, sell his house. And get someone in to assess his possessions if you think there's a chance anything might be valuable.
Otherwise, (or even if!!) You are at liberty to decline and do nothing. You are not obliged to do anything.
none of it is your fault, none of it is your responsibility.

Do you think your sister could have a similar mental health issues as your dad? Has she been diagnosed with anything because if she hasn't then she needs to be. Otherwise, she'll repeat a similar pattern to your dad & you'll be picking up after her.

I am struggling to see how your dad has added anything positive to your life - ever. I feel sorry for your mother. It sounds like you have got a decent life going. I can't see that you owe your dad anything or your sister either. It's not your responsibility to make him follow medical advice. I'd be inclined to leave the pair of them to their own devices. Your sister sounds like a frighteningly dangerous person to have around. You don't have to pay for the funeral or clean out the hoard.

I personally would not cut your dad off. He has mental health issues and medical issues that mean he may not be here in a few months. After a lifetime of caring for your family, now would not feel like the right time to walk away to me. Instead, I would cut contact to the minimum in order to protect myself, and be very pleased that I hadn't heard from my sister in ages because she was angry with me.

Find some middle ground hoarding ,depression and heart failure are all illnesses and at this stage realistically I don’t think anything will change
your sister could possibly have some undiagnosed issues but also probably learnt behaviour from her childhood as this was seen as the norm
nothing will change until it gets to crisis point where there will be intervention from social services or something medical
it must be exhausting and you can more or less predict how it’s going to pan out
I’d keep interaction with your sister to a minimum

An aside re: funeral costs. If your dad, when his time comes, has any money in his estate, that can be used. If he doesn't, then he can have a state funded funeral. As another poster says, you don't have to pay for that yourself.

These are the last few months of your father's life. Loosing a parent with whom you've had a difficult relationship can mean you struggle with some very complex emotions so you do need to protect yourself.

You don't need to pay for his funeral, in fact your absolutely should not do so.

You don't have to sort out his hoard unless your parents owned their home and you are inheriting it. Even then there are companies who will do it for you. If he's a tenant then his estate will pay and if not its the landlords problem.

Personally I'd go for a limited contact approach rather than nc but that's me. You should do whatever feels right for you.

It sounds like he won’t be here for very long any more. Maybe say anything you want to say to him now. Just for your own peace of mind. Then leave them to it.

Re your foul sister, definitely cut her off.

Thank you everyone for your replies so far. I wrote this thread in a bit of a temper last night, I am still very annoyed this morning but agree with posters here who have suggested limited contact and not nc. I definitely think a huge part of the problem is my sister, who is definitely dangerous and I’m always worried about what she will make up next.

I think that you've got to view him has having mental health issues and pass him over to adult SS. Your sister could have hereditary MH issues going on, or trauma response issues. You were late teens, so an adult? She was hitting puberty and lived with the abuse as a child. She probably had to come up with something outrageous to get attention from your parents. It's all too severe for you to unpick and deal with. Every person has the right to choose their medical treatment, or reject it. Try to come to peace with his choice and without being harsh, you aren't losing a Dad. Although his death will bring a lot up, for you. Make the referral and go LC.

Yes I have tried to be very patient with them both as I understand she hasn’t had the best environment to grow up in however she was really spoilt! I know this doesn’t take away from dads mental health but she is still very spoilt. He does everything for her and she got everything she always wanted, was allowed to get away with all sorts of awful behaviour, whereas I was treated a lot more harshly.

I guess low contact is the best option but it’s the guilt that eats me alive but they make me very unhappy.

Guilt is normal but it's not a good indicator that you have done wrong or should be doing something different. It took me a long time (ie 30 years) to accept that saving "fixing" my father and brother was not in my gift. Nowadays I can feel sad about them but not guilty which is actually a great relief.

You are 30, you have a life to build. Concentrate on that.

So was she sent away while he went through the suicide attempts when she was 12/13? What you see as being left off with behaviour was neglect, unless he wasn't as Ill as you say. No child witnessing suicide attempts and having a mother who martyrs themselves isn't spoilt. It sounds as though she had money thrown at her, rather than parenting? If he is now capable of running her life, then leave them to it, he isn't as vulnerable as you think. It can't be both. Perhaps start to reason it out, which will bring uncomfortable thoughts up, especially about your Mum. It will help you disengage.

If he's only got a few months left I'd maybe just go low contact not cut him off.

But remember - you don't have to pay for his funeral if you don't want to. He can have a public health funeral if you can cope with that.

Cut your sister off. She's a lying arsehole.

I can relate to this a lot. I went low contact for most of my young adult life. Was so relieved to start finding myself and building my resilience. Having DC led me to increase contact. Mistake! Parents in later years now and needing me and I’m stuck ‘in it’ now and wish I’d stayed low contact - emotionally it’s really hard. I’m better equipped now to deal with the emotional impact but it’s really getting me down.

There is a myth that ‘blood is thicker than water’ and certainly we do feel a sense of ‘duty’ with family - and then the guilt if we feel we are not doing our duty. But;

Your parents decided to have you and then didn’t meet your needs. This may be very understandable if they have a traumatic history, but that still doesn’t make it ok. They were still accountable and responsible. You owed them nothing.

You can’t be responsible for other peoples decisions. If your dad won’t look after himself then that’s his choice. It’s not your responsibility.

Some relationships are toxic to us. You have to look after yourself first and foremost.

It would be completely understandable to go no contact. No one would blame you. You’d have to work on your own guilt and you might get judged. But that doesn’t meant it would be wrong. You don’t owe your dad anything. Toxic relationships damage our mental and physical health and you have the right to avoid them.

If you go low contact then look after yourself really well, especially before and after contact. Plan nice things with people who love you and care about you, or an activity you love. Look after your body as best you can so you can tolerate the toxicity better and it has the least impact.

If you decide to do ‘your duty’ (which I don’t know much about but suspect it’s a concept dreamt up by those with more power to get those with less power to do unpalatable things!) and take on any caring tasks - practical or emotional- then make sure you are boundaried about it. Get some counselling in place. Look after yourself even better. Don’t let it burn you out. Decide how much time you are willing to give and stick to it.

But you absolutely don’t have to be in contact. And once you are ‘in it’ and relied on - it will be much harder to extricate yourself. Learn from my mistake!!

Oh and I doubt very much I’ll stay in contact with my DSis once both parents are gone as she is toxic. I would definitely go very low to no contact with her in your shoes.