How to tell your partner you want not sex

[weneedhelpandlove]

What's a understanding and respectful way to bring up to my DH that I'd like to have more sex. It feels like the passion has gone. It's effecting me mentally as I'm feeling like I'm not pretty enough or worth enough. I understand he's always tired but I feel lonely and disconnected. I've tried to talk to him about it but he gets upset and I don't want to argue over something so sensitive! Please help

Just don't bring it up at bedtime or evening time. Bring it up when you couldn't be actually doing it (say, breakfast time or when you're out for a walk) so it's off the cards for that actual moment. That's the way to keep the conversation calm.

I've been in your position

That's such a good idea. Thank you so much! How did it work in your situation? Did things get better?

Yeah things have got better and worse and better in phases (I've been with my dh since we were early 20s!) We're in a better phase now, I'm always more in the mood when I'm pregnant.

We definitely have had some dry patches - I remember one year when we only did the deed less than 12 times in the whole year which I told him was something I read online that counted as a sexless marriage (!)

For us the things that work are... 1. Be patient as things will eventually get better (they always do for us in the end anyway), 2. Schedule in time for it, 3. (What works for my dh especially) I suggest it earlier in the day to do later that evening and then he sort of gets prepared in his head...! While he's making dinner or doing the washing up...! No idea what actually goes on in his head but if I say that at lunchtime then at bedtime he does the initiating so we are all good.

But this is very much what works for us as a couple, I appreciate we are probably a bit odd

I’d second a neutral time and place.

Also to make sure you listen as well as talk - it’s easy to talk to much because of nerves. Let silences fall, people often say the most telling things once they’ve had time to think quietly.

He may not open up all that much the first time, don’t let it go on for ever - just say ‘shall we both think a bit more and talk next weekend, we could go for a walk on Sunday’.

Be gently clear that he can’t just dodge this. It’s a marriage threatener.

Working with a couples therapist can really help, but it will be easier for him to accept there’s a problem before you bring it up. And you may well be able to solve it yourselves.

Getting to the nitty gritty, I think you often have to schedule sex in a LTR with kids. Spontaneity is for teenagers. So work towards talking about when the best time might be. When I’m really tired and stressed I feel about sex a bit like I feel about the gym - I know I’ll feel better if I do it regularly, but I need a routine or I won’t.

What happens when you try to initiate sex?
After DS our sex life tailed off a bit, but I think DH was cautious, I had stitching, breastfeeding came with a few health complications etc.
When we spoke about it he just said I haven't wanted to push anything I know you're exhausted and I'm happy to have sex as little or as much as you want.
Once we were out of the baby phase things settled down a bit and he's as likely to initiate as I am now.
Sometimes if you get out of the habit, confidence can be lost too.

I had this with my ex for 20 years.

Twice it was nearly two years between occasions.

I left him. Wish I had done that 20 years ago.