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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH lying about orgasm

18 replies

Whit3ChocolateDigestive · 29/07/2023 22:39

AIBU to think DH is lying about orgasm?

DH and I are supposed to be TTC, for background we have been “trying” unsuccessfully for years, i had extremely irregular periods but have recently lost a lot of weight to qualify for IVF but the past few months I’ve been regular, also DH had a semen analysis and got told no issues there. We decided we would start properly trying for a few months to see what happened before going for fertility treatment, and he asked about when we should do it, he knows I’ve been logging my cycle in an app so I told him when it said and we said we would properly try.

The next bit is TMI but I’m going to say it anyway.

We said we’d DTD every other day. First day was fine, second time I thought was fine but the next morning he told me he didn’t actually orgasm. We tried the third time today and I think he lied to me that he orgasmed again, because after he carried on and said he was going to try to orgasm again (he never does this, twice in a row without stopping) but it all got a bit uncomfortable and he stopped and I was manually finishing him off when he went to try and orgasm inside me but didn’t get there in time.

I asked him if he actually came the first time and he said he did, but there was nothing there when I went to the toilet after.

I really don’t think he came and I feel embarrassed and a bit hurt that he lied. If he didn’t I wouldn’t have said anything critical to him or anything, I can understand it can happen and I can imagine there’s a bit of pressure because we have said we’re TTC. I also can’t definitely prove it and I don’t want to make things worse on him if it is the pressure by going on about it, but I also don’t want him to lie again.

I would rather know if he didn’t come because if he lied the whole time and we had no chance at all of being pregnant this month, I don’t want to have my hopes up that it might have worked if there’s no chance, I feel stupid because I was like laying there after and… it’s just so embarrassing. I don’t want him to lie to me.

AIBU? And if not how should I handle this?

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 29/07/2023 22:41

I think you need to chill out!

NeverThatSerious · 29/07/2023 22:43

Honestly I think this can probably be put down to performance anxiety given the huge amount of pressure that seems to be present in this situation. I get it, I struggled to get pregnant, and it’s easy to turn sex into this overly scheduled, baby-making-only exercise but it definitely has knock on effects!

StartSWagaintomorrow · 29/07/2023 22:46

Do you start with doing oral on him?

Original poster
Whit3ChocolateDigestive · 29/07/2023 22:47

I don’t think I’m not chilled out about it, or I wouldn’t be if he was just honest. He has led a lot of this, like wanting to track my ovulation date, I was doing it discretely before so as not to cause any pressure but he asked and wanted to know. I appreciate it might not come across that way by posting. I’ve never lied to him about if I had an orgasm or not.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 29/07/2023 22:48

But men can orgasm without ejaculating …

SBHon · 29/07/2023 22:49

Is it all the pressure? Get one of those insemination syringe kits for your fertile days so he doesn’t have to finish inside you.

I would rather know if he didn’t come because if he lied the whole time and we had no chance at all of being pregnant this month, I don’t want to have my hopes up
Say this to him. Be honest.

cloudypink · 29/07/2023 22:53

You're not being unreasonable. I would feel hurt about this too.

Masterofhappydays · 29/07/2023 22:57

You’re not being unreasonable and you don’t need to chill out.

Men are able to orgasm without ejaculation so there’s a possibility he didn’t lie.

Or he may be suffering performance anxiety.

I can see why you’re upset if he did lie.

Good luck with the baby making :)

Berlinlover · 29/07/2023 23:03

I would have just asked him.

ittakes2 · 29/07/2023 23:03

I think you need to learn to track your cycle and concentrate on the days you are fertile...which is only at a certain time during the month. There are weeks where you are not fertile.

Mayhem3 · 29/07/2023 23:28

Get rid of the doing it every other day thing and just do it when you both feel in the mood.

I’d feel a lot of pressure if I had to have sex with my DP every other day and it wouldn’t be as enjoyable if it was so rigidly planned.

Tell him it’s ok if he didn’t come but you want him to enjoy himself and to let you know what you can do to help me.

I think just saying it’s ok and taking the pressure off will help.

CheeseFiend40 · 29/07/2023 23:36

He may have been lying, only he can tell you that. He might feel under a lot of pressure and had performance issues, but didn’t want to disappoint you, who knows. I would suggest just calmly discussing it with him, in a supportive way. You’re in this together.

I just wanted to share the experience me and my husband had trying to conceive our second child. Our first wasn’t planned, I knew it was around ovulation time when it happened, but had no idea exactly when in my cycle I was fertile. With our second we tried for about 9 months with no luck. I bought a clear blue fertility testing kit, first month was tracking my hormone levels to get the fertile days, second month we got pregnant.

My husband was also having huge performance anxiety during this time, so we decided to try him ejaculating into a cup and then using a sterilised carpool syringe as a makeshift insemination device. We then were able to do that twice a day over the 2/3 days I was fertile and really go for it. Not the most “romantic” method, but it worked like a charm!

Cheetah7 · 30/07/2023 00:01

I’ve haven been through Tcc for years which eventually led on to ivf …. so much pressure and date watching. Put do muc emphasis on have you come have I come to …. We put too much pressure on both of us not healthy or fun!! We had eventually had dc1 via ivf …. Then 2years later 2nd child came unexpectedly and naturally ! All I can say that is I clearly recall the night dc 2 was conceived… we we’re both totally relaxed and ( up for it) I had a very good time ( despite have ing an 18 month old) . I just let go and certainly it wasn’t just about baby making 😎looking back I realised that it’s too hard to relax when youre thinking about optimal dates times to do it. It’s a cliche but go with the flow..: if you feel horny do it and let yourself go !

mqapo · 30/07/2023 06:41

StartSWagaintomorrow · 29/07/2023 22:46

Do you start with doing oral on him?

What on Earth has that got to do with anything?

RuthTopp · 30/07/2023 06:50

We are not ttc , but I can relate to your post . My dh has a few medical issues , and I realised he was not always coming and had faked it a few times .
it then turned to ed and we haven't had sex for months.
As you are trying to conceive , perhaps suggest to him you don't want either of you to feel pressured into doing it and will not plan it with military regularity .
having said that , Good luck.

JudgeRudy · 28/09/2023 00:27

What's your usual sex life like? I was young when we planned our second child (first unplanned) but I really don't recall making any plans as such. We just carried on as usual which was sex most nights.
If you are now having sex specifically to conceive perhaps you need to approach it differently. Rather than a loving shared intimate moment make it functional. You don't need to he 100% up for it, just in the mood enough. Maybe doggy style would help depersonalise it and he could have permission to literally just 'take you'....and impregnate as the urge arises. Loving/bonding sex could be something separate that you initiate. This could so easily become a thing. Let him know you feel weird/pressured too so it's not all about him.

Neverseenthatmuchjunkinthetrunkbefore · 28/09/2023 03:07

Like Cheetah7, I can pinpoint exactly the night my son was conceived. It was a very good night indeed. One of the best ever. It was also during my fertile time as ttc. I wonder how important ‘sexy’ sex is in the whole process? Hopefully, most people ttc will be enjoying themselves at least, but possibly spicing it up for both of you might make a difference.

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