Aibu or a grumpy whiney cow

[Sparklybutold]

It's my DD 3rd birthday this weekend. So booked a few things. It's been a particularly stressful few months with several life changing diagnoses, money stressors, house issues, my husband now on occupation burn out from work... Invited grandparents (dads side) to DD celebration today at soft play. They came but largely sat, gave me the order for there food and grandad talked about DH job (bearing in mind he's off for job stress). Neither grandparents interacted with DD. Myself and DS played and celebrated. We are trying to secure finance owing to an upcoming balloon payment on car - this has been stressful as we have been refused and continue looking. At the same time both DH parents discuss the upheaval of having a complete refurb on there own home combined with DH dad trying to talk up the virtues of cryptocurrency as DH dad has invested. I just kept my mouth shut and I was so close to exploding. He is absolutely incapable of reading the room - DH off for stress (so stf about fucking work) and they know we have been stressed about money (yet talk about the house refurb and now trying to talk up the fucking virtues of crypto currency!). I honestly feel like I'm holding on by a thread as it is - but have I lost perspective? So aibu or am I whiney cow?

Not a whiney cow, and I would've been annoyed too. But some people are just annoying, aren't they? I'm guessing your FIL doesn't find kids' birthday parties very exciting. It's a shame, but don't let their behaviour spoil the birthday for you - sometimes you just can't control other people's behaviour and have to let it gooooo!

MIL coming round tomorrow and I'm going to say something. I have spent a life time not saying anything and at the age of 40 I've had enough. I have a mobility issue which causes pain and yet they both sat there and neither helped.. But then I'm thinking should they? I I'm estranged from my family (so this hurts in itself) so I have zero idea of what's normal other than knowing I woidlnt treat my own kids/grandkids like this.

You're not a cow and I'm pleased for you that you're going to say something to your mother-in-law. Getting older is brilliant, you realise you no longer have to be the sweet, quiet people pleaser. Any day is a good day for a New Year's resolution, so resolve to spend far less time with these people.

To be honest, I think you're being a bit grumpy. Given the circumstances you're in, it's completely understandable but that doesn't mean you're not being grumpy.

Were they aware you wanted them to help with your DD? If you were in pain, why didn't your DH take over? (or being looking after her full stop rather than it being on you?) Why were you expecting them to do it?

I can't imagine anything worse as an adult than having to go to softplay for a birthday party so maybe give them a pass on that one. I also suspect they didn't know what to say given your circumstances which is why they talked about their own 'problems'.

@Aquamarine1029 I have long since settled to not go out with DH dad but made an exception because it was for DD birthday and DD does enjoy there company. They know about my diagnoses. Frankly I should have made it clear I sort out my lot and mum and dad sort out themselves.

Yes - I should have communicated my needs to DH more. He is the type of person who needs clear direct instructions as he misses the in between in social interactions. Plus when he's around his mum and dad he's tense and he himself is at a very vulnerable point right now.

I don't know why I keep expecting a different outcome for there behaviour which is like interaction with a scaffold board at times. And then I consistently get pissed at it/them. I'm just tired, mentally and physically.... Mummy mummy mummy all day, the natural hun of life which DH can just cut off, but if I did that too, life would just stop. I'm just tired and emotional...

I have this feeling like I'm just going to break... It feels like I'll become the joker, throw tea at everyone, or spaghetti, go over the top with the fucking servitude of it all. And what for? We can't afford our bills anyway... I'm chasing the bills, trying to balance, trying to sort... On top off the health issues, I have no help with this... DH has spoken with me today, he knows I'm feeling angry, frustrated, but he simply doesn't not have the capacity to do half of the admin stuff, im sorting out his GP appointments, ensuring he’s complaint with being off work (sending relevant updates and docs to his manager because he's unwell). This of course has been long coming, I've seen it but was completely helpless... I have no one to turn too, no family of my own to say, this is happening right now, and I just want someone to just take some of the weight...

I did at first glance feel you may be unreasonable but I suspect it's a case of having nothing else to give and yet people keep wanting things from you even if it's just to listen while they bore on about something

I'm sorry I suspect what you would like most is a day to yourself where nobody expects anything from you at all

I send sympathy

Tbh I do think you are being grumpy. It's totally understandable, you're stressed and fatigued, but I'm not sure they really did anything wrong (other than being a bit tedious). I think it's pretty standard for adults to just sit around at a soft play party, especially when they're older. I'm not sure if your DS is younger than your DD but at 3+ I wouldn't really have expected there to be any adult supervision needed. And if he's younger so there was, it's your DH that should have helped you really.

YES!!! I also work in a job where I provide intense support to 7 high needs adults.

I also came to a bit of epiphany as I was sitting said spaghetti that I felt I was at risk of chucking at someone and realised my daughter turns 3 tomorrow. My mum died just before my own 3rd birthday. I have surpassed the point where my life as a little girl changed forever. There's a lot of heartbreak, trauma and just intense sadness, so to have DH dad act like a complete insensitive twat make me want to pull my eyes out.

I also forgot the added bonus of there company earlier. They share out Netflix account and Netflix has caught up and want to charge an extra £5, the way the conversation was going I sensed he wanted us to offer to pay an extra £5... I literally cannot make this up

I think you are being pretty grumpy and unreasonable yes. It sounds like normal conversation, I have never attended a soft play, but if I did, it wouldn't occur to me that I was supposed to get involved.

I get soft play with friends kids - by all means sit round and chat whatever... But this is there grandkid... I don't expect you doing trapeze or anything, just interact with said gtandchild and focus a little on them? Make a fuss? You know - on reflection, yes they should be a little more demosntarive than sitting there like letter boxes.

DS older and had the insight to help. DH was talking to his dad about current work stress. DH dad was offering his ‘wisdom’...

Kids birthdays are stressful enough without having ‘oldies’ at a soft play party.

I think they are just at that age where they don’t truly ‘get’ the stress that younger families are going through as they’ve probably never been in that position themselves.

My in-laws we’re much the same at birthday parties with FIL boring the pants off everyone with his rambling conversation that no one was interested in.
We just ignored him and eventually they’d go home !

Can I be clear this was just DD, DS, DH, myself and grandparents?

just one set as my mums dead and my dad gives zero fucks.

I think you are just stressed and low about things in your own family life (money, husband not working) and it has caused you to get angry about your FIL's boring but non malicious chat. I wouldn't invite my parents to a soft play because they wouldn't be crawling through the playframe - they would sit at the table talking about adult topics, including work.

I wouldn't pick a fight about it or "say something". It isn't their fault you have spent 40 years biting your tongue, and they don't deserve a telling off.

Please don’t confront your in laws, I don’t think they have done anything wrong here and your putting blame on them when they’ve annoyed you but your issues are your own personal issues with your finances and your husbands mental health issues. You sound burnt out OP, take care of yourself.

It is a lesson when you have so much on your mind, it is central to you, but others keep on about their trivia.
But that's the world- insensitive and self absorbed- especially elderly relatives, I've found!