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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to feed my own baby

40 replies

penguinmama1 · 29/07/2023 17:03

Probably petty. I'll keep it brief.

Is it unreasonable to want to feed my own baby her bottle? A few family members when we have been visiting (stepmom/aunt/mil/grandmother) have got the strop when they've been holding and cuddling my baby girl and I've asked for her back so I can give her a bottle.

"Can't I give it to her?"
"It's OK you can have her back straight after"
"No I can give it to her its fine"

Is the general gist. I just want to feed my own baby. I know I feed her most every other time, but my stepmom has a problem with her hands and the teat is never properly in the baby's mouth, my aunt tries to do the stupid hack balancing the bottle on her chin...why ffs...Regardless of this
I'm her mom and I want to feed her when I'm with her. Maybe they think they're helping.

I think the resistance to giving her back to me/doing what I say as her mom annoys me far more than them feeding her.

Petty? Aibu?

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/07/2023 21:29

What is pfb ?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/07/2023 21:31

Glitterblue · 29/07/2023 19:22

PFB by any chance? Surely you’re doing the majority of the feeds yourself, how often are people visiting? It’s nice to let grandparents and aunties/uncles feed them now and again. How would you cope if your baby had been in NICU and you didn’t know who’d be doing the next feed when you weren’t there - and you hadn’t even got to do the first few feeds yourself, whether they were tube, bottle or cup feeds, and other people held your baby before you finally got to at 3 weeks? That was our situation and we still loved our parents and brothers to feed our DD when she came home - as a result she has a lovely bond with them all and is very close to them all because they had that involvement in her life right from the start. But we are her parents and of course she’s closer to us than anyone, even though other people gave her her bottle. DH and I have both fed and changed my best friend’s DD since she was a couple of weeks old, she’s now 18 months and loves us looking after her but if we’re out with her parents, it of course hasn’t ended up that she wants us over them - but she will come to us to look at a book while her mum gets a hot cup of tea or go for a walk round a shop with us or whatever while we’re out with her and her parents. I don’t see what harm it can possibly do!

I’ve seen how damaging it can be in families when the grandparents aren’t allowed to do anything for the baby and I just think it’s so unnecessary. It never used to be like this years ago. Even my mum has given my best friend’s daughter her bottle and my brother has helped me look after her. Life is too short to be so precious about things - surely having a good support system is a good thing.

I think feeding is different to grandparents not being allowed to do anything. It's a very primal instinct to want to feed your own baby on the way that safe and comfortable for them just because she's bottle feeding doesn't make that instinct go away

UsingChangeofName · 29/07/2023 21:32

What @Hufflepods and @TwilightSkies said on P1.

caringcarer · 29/07/2023 21:47

OP it's your baby so your choice. Just say you like to feed your baby to bond with her.

Lavender14 · 29/07/2023 21:49

Absolutely your choice, noone has any business getting the strop when you enforce boundaries that fit your parenting. There will probably come a time when you feel happy for someone else to give baby a bottle so you can have childcare but if that's not what you're feeling right now then that's perfectly OK. Relatives are naturally excited but can forget themselves in that excitement. When my in laws were repeatedly asking to take ds out and babysit I just repeatedly said thank you for the offer we'll let you know when we feel ready for that. Because the idea of being away from him made me feel anxious and I just didn't want to be away from him. It didn't matter a jot in the long run but I'm sure they were rolling their eyes at the time. I don't care though- it's up to me and dh what way our child is cared for, noone else. I'd just say thanks for the offer but I love feeding her, you can help by doing x if you want though. If they repeat I'd just say as I said it's fine and I'm happy to feed her- then leave the room to get the bottle to break the chat.

gothshot · 29/07/2023 21:52

I thought I would struggle with this while I was pregnant with DD but now she's here it's actually nice when someone else feeds her as it takes the pressure off. I also think it helps to get her used to other people feeding her when she's being looked after by family members.

tillytoodles1 · 29/07/2023 21:57

Babies are relentless. Someone offering to feed the baby or change their nappy was a break for me. Its not as if the baby will remember the odd time you didn't feed or change them.

Blueberr · 29/07/2023 22:05

Yanbu it’s natural to be really protective of your baby and wanting to be the one who feeds him or her. It is a primal thing. I was very protective of dc1 and when we got home from hospital wouldn’t let anyone else bottle feed except dad, at first.

By dc2 I was just grateful for an extra pair of hands and would let all visitors help with feeding …didn’t make a blind bit of difference to our bonding but I was less precious by that stage..but it’s okay to be precious with your baby because they are the most precious little people.

I find the Health Visitor story about the baby getting confused about who mum is total nonsense and additional pressure for mums.
@Unexpectedlysinglemum i was in the same boat with dc1 but just because it happened to us doesn’t mean op should be okay with others feeding her baby, just because some people are forced to deal with that. I do agree it’s nice to let family help but it’s up to the op.

Confusion101 · 29/07/2023 22:07

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/07/2023 21:29

What is pfb ?

Precious First Born

ModestMoon · 29/07/2023 22:07

You're completely reasonable to do it yourself, I would have been the same. I think within a family it's fine for them to ask, but of course wrong for them to strop over it. For some people who feeds is not a big deal and your family members might genuinely think they are helping you out. Perhaps you should stop beating around the bush and just say "thank you for the offer, actually when I'm with her I prefer to feed her myself". If a family member said that to me I would completely understand and be grateful for the clarification. Otherwise they might just ask every time not really realising that you don't want them to, ever. This is important to you so you remember it and notice it.

cyncope · 29/07/2023 22:10

UsingChangeofName · 29/07/2023 17:59

Well, up to you, but in my mind, that is one of the advantages of bottle feeding over breast feeding, that it isn't always down to you.

Doesn't make you 'unreasonable' but you are making a different choice from me, and most other people I've ever come across that bottle feed their babies.

It's only an advantage for the mum if she doesn't want to do all the feeds.
It's no advantage for the baby.

Of course you want to feed your own baby yourself @penguinmama1. Your baby wants you to feed her too.
Stick to your guns.

Mariposista · 29/07/2023 22:26

Glitterblue · 29/07/2023 19:22

PFB by any chance? Surely you’re doing the majority of the feeds yourself, how often are people visiting? It’s nice to let grandparents and aunties/uncles feed them now and again. How would you cope if your baby had been in NICU and you didn’t know who’d be doing the next feed when you weren’t there - and you hadn’t even got to do the first few feeds yourself, whether they were tube, bottle or cup feeds, and other people held your baby before you finally got to at 3 weeks? That was our situation and we still loved our parents and brothers to feed our DD when she came home - as a result she has a lovely bond with them all and is very close to them all because they had that involvement in her life right from the start. But we are her parents and of course she’s closer to us than anyone, even though other people gave her her bottle. DH and I have both fed and changed my best friend’s DD since she was a couple of weeks old, she’s now 18 months and loves us looking after her but if we’re out with her parents, it of course hasn’t ended up that she wants us over them - but she will come to us to look at a book while her mum gets a hot cup of tea or go for a walk round a shop with us or whatever while we’re out with her and her parents. I don’t see what harm it can possibly do!

I’ve seen how damaging it can be in families when the grandparents aren’t allowed to do anything for the baby and I just think it’s so unnecessary. It never used to be like this years ago. Even my mum has given my best friend’s daughter her bottle and my brother has helped me look after her. Life is too short to be so precious about things - surely having a good support system is a good thing.

Finally a bit of common sense and a bit less me me me

whattodo22222 · 29/07/2023 22:33

Not unreasonable. I breastfeed so nobody else fed my baby until about 6 months. My point is they wouldn't even be able to ask if you were breastfeeding and it's totally up to you if you want them to. It's an important bonding experience.

nimski · 29/07/2023 23:22

YABU - take the break!

Maray1967 · 21/11/2023 19:32

I remember my stepmum feeding DS2 the evening we came home from hospital, but I think mostly I did it. I was probably extremely possessive with DS1 after the length of time it took us to have him. I probably scared everyone off asking if they could feed him.

If anyone had tried to take him from my arms I would have gone ballistic.

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